Everything is OK...

I've been really lax updating my blog for the last few days, however everything is absolutely fine at the moment - I've just been really busy! 

I wanted to pop down what's been happening, however sadly it won't be in any great detail as I've spent today with my Mother in Wiltshire, celebrating her Birthday which was last week, however she was on holiday with the rest of my family - after driving to her, picking her up, driving some more and walking around all day (S health told me I'd reached my daily steps and time active target!) before having afternoon tea and driving her and then myself back.... *and breathe*.... I'm rather tired! 

Thursday was a big day for me as I had my 'booking in' appointment. Shows how much I know as I thought I'd be having a scan, but no... It was just a lot of form filling in and a blood test where the midwife took 5 vials of blood. She was lovely and put numbing cream on both arms... and my Boyfriend came with me for support - she said she had written to the Consultant about my fear of childbirth and needles and the Consultant said once I'd had a scan, I could make an appointment to talk to her about a possible elective caesarean. 

I'm still adamant I will terminate if they aren't comfortable allowing me to have one - for that, I am 100% sure. In regards to keeping / terminating if that's not an issue, I'm 90% sure I want to continue as I've had the most amazing support from my 2 youngest sisters and my Boyfriend has been just utterly amazing. I am still in awe at any woman who chooses to go through this without such support as I feel I'm hanging on by a thin thread as it is... 

In regards to eating, I've not been great the last few days. I've switched back to porridge and raspberries in the morning as it's getting colder and is easy and convenient - I've also been still eating salads at work (I had a salmon donburi on Friday lunch time with wholegrain and lentil rice), however yesterday my Boyfriend and I made a 'healthy' stew, which was healthy as it was in the latest BBC Good Food magazine in their 'make it healthier' section - However, the fact we ate a LOT of it, probably negates the fact it was healthy....

Saturday was spent at the hairdressers and moving more things from my house into my Boyfriends house - I've got until the 22nd November to actually officially clear my house, but the more I do now, the less I have to do later on and it takes the pressure off slightly - My house doesn't really look like my house now and that's really sad as I've been here for 5 years and it's rather unsettling.

At 9 weeks and 2 days pregnant my symptoms still seem to be very minor with no feeling sick, not that much tiredness (just a bit harder to get up in the mornings) and my hormones are still not where they were a few weeks ago, when I felt really bad - I've got no idea what's going on inside me, however I'll phone the appointment line tomorrow and see if they've received everything. My midwife wrote 'NEEDLEPHOBIC AND ANXIETY' across the top of my yellow maternity notes so I imagine that will catch the eye of everyone who reads it!

My BMI is currently 31.5 so that's way too high. It's not morbidly obese, but it's 1.5 into 'obese' and that's just not great... I'd like to be sensible about losing weight but not crazy and my midwife said it was fine to exercise and eat healthily - the best goal is to not dramatically lose weight but not to gain any, either... 

Right... to bed now - I will update tomorrow with pictures, more details and the most important thing - document what I've been eating which will be a LOT healthier than it has been for the past few days.

Pregnant and wanting an ELCS from the start

It's been 2 days since I found out I'm pregnant.

Even saying it is weird. After doing 2 tests and them coming back negative, I just thought that my period was late due to stress. When I took the 3rd test on Tuesday and saw 2 blue lines I burst into tears and shaking, called my Boyfriend at work. He was due to come home anyway for a conference call, so I drove round to his house at lunch time (as I was also working at home) burst into more tears, apologised for 'ruining his life' and 'trapping him' and was just totally freaking out.

I've not slept much in the last 2 days as I just keep going over things in my head - I've been getting very minor periody like cramps, but so far, that's it. According to the calculator, I'm 4w+5 which apparently is '4 weeks and 5 days' - Christ, already getting in with the lingo. The main worry was / is financial as I thought it would take MONTHS to get pregnant. After all, I've had Pelvic Inflammatory Disease twice, a very severe uterus infection... so to get 'first time lucky' is just a totally crazy thing to happen. As it stands, I won't be entitled to my company maternity pay, so that's not great, however since I found out, My boyfriend and I have decided I'll move in with him in the next 2 months and he'll continue to pay the rent / bills and I'll put all of the rent / bill money that I would have paid on my house, into a 'maternity pot'....

I know it's normal to be anxious, but due to being needlephobic / terrified of medical professionals and after witnessing my sisters horrendous, horrendous birth 2 years ago (First baby... 3rd degree tear... double prolapse... so much blood she fainted...) I just know I can't / won't go through that, so whilst at the Drs, discussing the fact I had a bald patch on my head, I burst into tears about being pregnant and said that I wanted an elective caesarean... and if I wasn't able to have one, I'd terminate.

I feel like the worst person in the world even saying that, but it's honestly how I feel - The potential of having to go through something like my sister (who has diagnosed PTSD and can't talk about her birth without crying 2 years on) is just not an option.. It's just not - I'd go through the next 8 months being petrified, upset and not enjoying any of it. 

The Dr was lovely and actually spoke to another Dr who said I should book an appointment with the midwife to discuss things. When I went to the Drs reception, they said they had an appointment for today! So in less than 4 hours after seeing the Dr and only being 4 weeks pregnant, I got a midwife appointment...  I went this afternoon (after saying to my work colleagues I had an emergency dentists appointment) and promptly burst into tears at the midwife - I said the same thing... I am petrified of medical professionals, terrified of needles and not being in control of my own body and just couldn't fathom going through with a vaginal birth.

She was so, so lovely. She phoned up a Consultant who said that usually, they don't consider it until 14 weeks pregnant, but as I would consider a termination, they advised the midwife to write a letter to the Head Consultant, outlining my feelings to try and get things done earlier. She also said she'd book me in as early as possible for a 'dating scan' and to take bloods and we could talk more then. She said that whilst she couldn't promise anything as it wasn't her place, there was a woman who had similar anxieties to me and whilst she had to be referred to a Consultant, she was granted an elective section.

We then talked about the blood test (apparently they take FOUR viles of blood) and she said I could have numbing cream beforehand and she'd hide the needles and I wouldn't have to look. She also said 'Let's look at your veins' and put the weird elastic strap on my arm and told me to pump my fist a few times.... She said she could see lots of veins, so I should be fine. This has made me feel so much better. She listened, she could see I was so upset and worried and she respected my wishes...  I asked if I could make sure I saw her again, and she said yes, so now I know there's a lovely, lovely midwife to see - this makes me so happy as I can 'plan' to see her and planning makes me less worried about stuff.

She told me to get a 'planning pack' from the reception - which they gave me and a urine sample pot... apparently you have to give a sample when you next see the midwife? I get to fill everything out which I am sure will be fun... 

So my midwife appointment (Dear God that sounds so weird) is on 8th October when I'll be 8 weeks. 4 weeks of, well.. not very much to happen. But that's OK, as I believe I could potentially get an elective section and be able to plan things, not worry as much and can maybe even enjoy the next 8 months.

So... Food!

Well, Since I found out, I've not really been hungry at all, but I'm trying to eat as much as possible. Yesterday at work I had some green yoghurt with granola for breakfast and it was delicious. I also had a banana and for lunch, we had a work lunch at 'Revolutions' (Yeah, it is a vodka bar but it also serves food at lunch time!) everyone else had a burger, but I had a 'green salad with lemon and garlic chicken' with mineral water. I've cut my caffeine right back to two cups of tea a day and am mostly off the Cherry Pepsi Max unless I really want one. 

Last night, my boyfriend and I did 'healthy fish and chips' again, which was lovely and today I've had some malt loaf, a handful of strawberries and a wholemeal pitta bread with grilled chicken and tomatoes for lunch. Tonight I'm having fish fingers and roasted sweet potato wedges.

Obviously with this news, I'm not going to necessarily achieve my goal of fitting into size 14 trousers by Christmas, but I can still achieve my goal of eating healthy. I'm going to try and ensure I don't go too crazy, but I want to nourish my body and not cram junk food in my gob.

I still don't feel 'happy', but then it's only been 2 days since I found out - that's no time at all. However the fact that I've had a very positive experience at my local medical practice today where everyone seemed to respect my wishes and help me, has made me feel a lot less worried.