Everything is OK...

I've been really lax updating my blog for the last few days, however everything is absolutely fine at the moment - I've just been really busy! 

I wanted to pop down what's been happening, however sadly it won't be in any great detail as I've spent today with my Mother in Wiltshire, celebrating her Birthday which was last week, however she was on holiday with the rest of my family - after driving to her, picking her up, driving some more and walking around all day (S health told me I'd reached my daily steps and time active target!) before having afternoon tea and driving her and then myself back.... *and breathe*.... I'm rather tired! 

Thursday was a big day for me as I had my 'booking in' appointment. Shows how much I know as I thought I'd be having a scan, but no... It was just a lot of form filling in and a blood test where the midwife took 5 vials of blood. She was lovely and put numbing cream on both arms... and my Boyfriend came with me for support - she said she had written to the Consultant about my fear of childbirth and needles and the Consultant said once I'd had a scan, I could make an appointment to talk to her about a possible elective caesarean. 

I'm still adamant I will terminate if they aren't comfortable allowing me to have one - for that, I am 100% sure. In regards to keeping / terminating if that's not an issue, I'm 90% sure I want to continue as I've had the most amazing support from my 2 youngest sisters and my Boyfriend has been just utterly amazing. I am still in awe at any woman who chooses to go through this without such support as I feel I'm hanging on by a thin thread as it is... 

In regards to eating, I've not been great the last few days. I've switched back to porridge and raspberries in the morning as it's getting colder and is easy and convenient - I've also been still eating salads at work (I had a salmon donburi on Friday lunch time with wholegrain and lentil rice), however yesterday my Boyfriend and I made a 'healthy' stew, which was healthy as it was in the latest BBC Good Food magazine in their 'make it healthier' section - However, the fact we ate a LOT of it, probably negates the fact it was healthy....

Saturday was spent at the hairdressers and moving more things from my house into my Boyfriends house - I've got until the 22nd November to actually officially clear my house, but the more I do now, the less I have to do later on and it takes the pressure off slightly - My house doesn't really look like my house now and that's really sad as I've been here for 5 years and it's rather unsettling.

At 9 weeks and 2 days pregnant my symptoms still seem to be very minor with no feeling sick, not that much tiredness (just a bit harder to get up in the mornings) and my hormones are still not where they were a few weeks ago, when I felt really bad - I've got no idea what's going on inside me, however I'll phone the appointment line tomorrow and see if they've received everything. My midwife wrote 'NEEDLEPHOBIC AND ANXIETY' across the top of my yellow maternity notes so I imagine that will catch the eye of everyone who reads it!

My BMI is currently 31.5 so that's way too high. It's not morbidly obese, but it's 1.5 into 'obese' and that's just not great... I'd like to be sensible about losing weight but not crazy and my midwife said it was fine to exercise and eat healthily - the best goal is to not dramatically lose weight but not to gain any, either... 

Right... to bed now - I will update tomorrow with pictures, more details and the most important thing - document what I've been eating which will be a LOT healthier than it has been for the past few days.

Awesome weekend

It's been a really good few days and I'm hoping next week continues in the same vein.

I'm now sat in a North London flat, with 2 black cats as I'm cat sitting for one of my sisters. My entire family (sisters, parents, niece, sisters boyfriends / Husband) are all on holiday in the Scilly Isles so I'm looking after my sisters 2 cats until they come back on Sunday.

It's been a good few days. My hormones and all symptoms seem to have just, well.. stopped. I am feeling much more like 'me' again, I don't have any slight cramping, my chest isn't as sore and I don't feel sick in the slightest. On one hand, it's great, on the other, I have no idea what's going on inside me, however I guess I only have to wait until next Thursday and then I'll find out.

Friday was a good day at work as there was only one work colleague in the office with me - I got a lot of work done and existed on a 'yogurty oat pot' with orange juice for breakfast and a salmon donburi with multi grain rice for lunch. After getting home, I really, really fancied a curry, so ordered a really nice Chicken korma with pilau rice and a saga-loo - It was absolutely delicious and I really enjoyed it.  I had a really lazy Friday night in front of the TV and by 10:00pm, I was in the bath, before snuggling up in my bed and sleeping for quite a long time. 

Saturday morning I changed my sheets, did some chores, did a spot of food shopping and then drove to the station to pick up my friend from Wales. She's the friend who had a gastric band a few years ago and is now 6.5 months pregnant (different to my gastric band friend), I met her when I used to work as a Consultant on a project in South Wales and we became really good friends as she's as mental as I am :-) 

It was absolutely lovely seeing her and we just talked and talked and talked all weekend - We went back home first of all so I could get my washing out of the machine and hang it up, then we headed into London and went to the Sea Life centre. I grabbed some sushi from Wasabi before I got there for breakfast / lunch and we waited about 45 minutes in a queue before we bought the tickets and went in. Despite it being a very busy Saturday afternoon and waiting in a line for a while, it was actually pretty good and a lot better and more clean than I remember it being when I went about 12 years ago with an ex boyfriend. 

We spent a good couple of hours wandering around, looking at all the fish and before I knew it, I had the notifications by 'S health' on my phone that I'd walked 10,000 steps and had been active for 90 minutes. Despite my friend being 6.5 months pregnant, she didn't really look pregnant, she actually just looked a bit overweight. I obviously didn't say that to her, but she did say she thought she didn't really have a bump but as she had loose skin from the 7 stone she had lost from the gastric band, she had 'kinda grown back into her body' but obviously this is a temporary thing as opposed to her just eating too much.

After Sea Life, my friend said she really wanted to go to 'Chocky Wocky Do Dah' as she used to watch the show and really wanted to go to the shop. I have heard of the show but don't really know much about it, however as she was my guest and I really had no problem going anywhere, we headed off to the place. It was rather full and the chocolate was rather expensive, however they certainly sell some interesting cakes! We put our name down for a table upstairs in the coffee shop and were told it would be about a 25 minute wait, so wandered around the shop, seeing it there was anything nice we could buy - I found a lovely chocolate yellow bath duck, which I bought for my boyfriend as a Christmas present :-)

When we were called upstairs, we had a really nice table by the window and I ordered a 'Chocky Wocky Sundae' and she ordered a '6 cake slice'. My sundae was amazing, however way too much chocolate and my friend only ate 1/3rd of her cake. One of the nice things about buying the cake is, they offer you boxes for free so you can take it home with you so my friend actually finished the cake for tea!

No more cake or food for us! After that, we headed back to the tube station and started our journey home, getting back at about 7pm. I did suggest we spend the rest of the evening watching crazy TV, however we actually just talked and talked and talked and it was so nice - My friend is also scared (it's her first baby) and when it kicks her, she says 'it's weird and freaky', she also says she doesn't feel she wants to be tied to the baby constantly and wants her Husband to co-parent and look after the baby too - Is this really so weird? When we were on the sofa, she shouted 'Oh F**k!' and her stomach just moved! She said 'He's kicking me' (she knows it's a boy) and sure enough, her stomach was just moving.... It was so odd...

Today we both drove over to my Boyfriends house and had breakfast (I had 2 slices of honey on seeded toast) before I drove her back to the train station so she could head back to Wales. My boyfriend and I then drove to Argos to get a canvas wardrobe so my Boyfriend could move all his clothes from his big spare room into his bedroom in preparation for me to move in. We actually did really well and have now cleared out a whole bedroom! We celebrated by driving 2 hours to North London and having sushi for dinner before cuddling on my sisters Sofa, watching 'Have I got news for you' before my Boyfriend said goodbye and headed back home.

I know I've eaten out a *lot* in the last few days and as I'm now living at my sisters house for the next 3 nights (I'm heading back for one night on Wednesday as I've got my midwifes appointment on Thursday morning) I don't really have much food to eat at the moment (although I have found some new Soreen bars to try for Breakfast!). I'm going to try and get a good nights sleep tonight and find a local supermarket so I can at least make something healthy tomorrow night and not exist on more restaurant / takeaway food.

I'm not going to lie - I'm still in two minds about continuing the pregnancy. I think I've made up my mind and then I will read or hear something and then swing the other way, however at the moment, I just need to try and wait until Thursday when at least I will know what's currently happening within me, so I can discuss all options with the midwife and really try and work out what is best for my Boyfriend and myself.

Less than 4 days to go!

Hormones are evil

Today hasn't gone exactly as planned.

Unfortunately my boyfriend snored quite a lot last night so I didn't get much sleep.  We had to be up early as we had an island tour booked, so got up and booked a taxi for 7.45am. No time for breakfast or tea, just enough time to shower! After getting to the location,  things started going down hill when the guide said the tour had been cancelled and that he had tried to contact me for the last 3 days...

Oddly,  I hadn't got any emails or phone calls but hey, there we go. The guide said we could rearrange for tomorrow which was fine, but we had to then go back to the hotel... more taxi expense! 'No problem', said the guide and showed us to the nearest bus stop...

Going on a local bus was an experience - massive sound system, TV showing psychedelic swirls and patterns, flashing lights and a picture of Jesus imprinted on the ceiling of the bus! Thankfully we made it back to the hotel and decided to take advantage of our free say by getting some breakfast and doing some laundry... (1 weeks worth of dirty holiday clothes and in hot countries,  I shower and change clothes a LOT)...

We ate breakfast in the hotel and I ordered a spinach, mushroom and tomato omelette - it looked amazing, however came with refried beans and corn chips! I are the omelette which was delicious,  however my boyfriend ate the rest of my breakfast as I wasn't keen on eating more corn chips for breakfast.

Laundry was easy to do and after all my clothes were done,  we decided to go into the swimming pool and chill. Usually this wouldn't be a big thing for me, however as I'm not exactly very 'body confident', wearing a swimming costume in front of strangers is quite anxiety provoking for me.

However - I really wanted to try it, so covered up with jeans and a top on top of my swimming costume,  headed to the pool and at the last minute,  stripped off and got in. I have to say, it was lovely.. really relaxing and perfect after walking back from the bus stop and orting out washing and getting all hot.

After a few hours, we decided to head to the 'El ray' Mayan ruins. I eanted to go as reviews saud that there were loads of Iguanas around and I wasn't disappointed! We spent a good hour walking around the ruins and marvelling at the laid back Iguanas, sunning themselves on rocks.

Heading back to the hotel for a late lunch,  lunch was a lovely chicken salad and mineral water - yummy! Before we chilled further by the pool. My boyfriend continued to swim, whereas I decided to read my book 'What to expect when you're expecting '... what a mistake. It's so, well. .. 'twee'... Talking about your 'exciting 9 month journey' and stretch marks being 'the red badge of Motherhood' *vomit*...

As I'm not happy about what's happening to me, reading this pile of tripe did not help my mood - I felt like even more of a freak.. like I'm supposed to be 'super happy and excited' when all I want to do is cry. After getting back to our hotel room I burst into tears on my boyfriend again and said I just don't know what to do... I'm so unhappy at the moment and worried / anxious / feel like a freak as I'm not happy about being pregnant.

My boyfriend was amazing and just cuddled me, reiterating the fact he'll support whatever decision I choose - But I have no idea what that is at present. At the moment I think eating healthy is helping me mentally - At least it's not making me feel any more crap :-) Tonight I think we'll just eat in the hotel, cuddle and watch more random things on iplayer - I hope the island trip goes well tomorrow! :-)

Hormones suck :-/

Your child eats what you eat

5,4,3,2,1 - Let's fly!

Today hasn't been too bad at all. Despite the second day of the conference being rather boring and most, if not all of us delegates declared it as a 'steaming pile of dog turd', I'm feeling quite positive as my counsellor replied to my email, apologising and saying she thought I was on holiday this week, not next week. It's really hammered home to me how much I depend on talking to her at the moment, especially at the moment, with everything going on in my head. 

As usual, my Boyfriend was amazing and just let me cry last night when I was upset, however it's nice to be able to say what I feel, without the worry of being judged or run the risk of saying something that affects my relationship. 

I'm getting more 'OK' about being pregnant as it's now been 8 days since I found out. I'm also thinking that this is my pregnancy, not anyone elses - therefore if I don't want it to be all sunshine and flowers and 'happy' stuff, then I don't have to feel like that. As long as I do the best I can and also don't force myself to do things I'm not happy about doing (like a vaginal birth), then sod anyone else judging me. One thing that I did see today was this advert which basically seems to be saying that you could harm your baby if you've got a poor diet.

It made me really anxious and in some ways quite trapped - after all, what if I fancy a burger in a couple of days? What if I fancy drinking a can of diet coke every so often? I can appreciate if you only ate junk food then there may be vitamin and mineral deficiencies, but every so often? Hrmmm... 

However, as I am really paranoid and anxious about what I'm eating at the moment so seeing adverts like that aren't really helping. 

Today I had a slice of malt loaf for breakfast and as I was still at the conference, I had 3 mini sandwiches and some crisps for lunch. We had 2 coffee breaks and whilst I steered clear of the coffee / tea, I did munch on a biscuit on each break. Thankfully I was able to leave by 4:00pm, so I got back just after 5 and set to work on packing my suitcase and sorting things out for my holiday to Mexico tomorrow. I also started on dinner as tonight my Boyfriend has come round, ready to watch The Great British Bake Off! Tonight we had a marinated BBQ chicken breast with rosemary roasted potatoes and a LOT of veg. It looks a lot of food, but I think I tend to eat my main meal in the evening as it gives me 'something to look forward to' throughout the day.

It was rather nice, however as I was steaming the veg, the broccoli was rather 'al dente' as I totally forgot that the veg at the top of the steamer doesn't cook as quickly! Ah well, no harm done :-)

I'm flying to Mexico tomorrow and whilst I'm going to try and relax, I want to still write some blog post as I think it's helpful for me to think about how my mood is doing and also, what I'm eating. 

Stay tuned for a lot of weird Mexican food in the next 10 days! :-)

Going on holiday in your first trimester

I am like a yo-yo at the moment

The last two days haven't been too bad - I had a pretty good Monday at work and ate really healthy and today I was at an I.T. conference which I wasn't planning on going to, however my Boss had registered and then told me he was travelling and suggested I go. As I'm new, I could hardly say 'No thanks', however I have to be honest... it was pretty boring.

So... I'm still pregnant, my period still hasn't arrived (I don't know why, but when I go to the toilet, I keep thinking I'll see it soon) and my emotions are everywhere. I'm swinging between 'I can't do this, I just can't cope' to 'There's billions of women who have done it, as long as I get an elective caesarean I'll be OK, I just need to take one day at a time'. One thing that has been worrying me is that I'm off to Mexico on Thursday - I'll be 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant and I'm petrified that something is going to go wrong when I'm abroad. It's not Europe, so you can't exactly just get on a plane and hey presto, in 2 hours you'll be back home. What happens if the pregnancy is ectopic and my tube ruptures? What happens if I start bleeding? What happens if I eat something bad and fall ill?

Technically there's nothing stopping me - apart from fear. We've planned this trip for about 9 months - 5 days in Mexico City and then 4 days in Cancun. We've got loads of tours booked and I was really looking forward to chilling out and spending time with my Boyfriend, now all I have is fear, 'what happens if something goes wrong?' - which I can't get my head around as, well... I don't think I'm 100% decided about what I want to do.

THEN.... I was supposed to be going to my counselling appointment tonight. I've been going to see a counsellor over my needle-phobia for nearly a year and tonight she wasn't there, It really, really threw me. I thought that the buzzer wasn't working as she didn't answer so I buzzed another buzzer and some nice person let me in, however when I walked up the stairs and knocked on her door - she wasn't there. I was actually really thrown by it - first time in a year she wasn't there.. and she hadn't contacted me saying she couldn't see me.... I phoned my boyfriend in absolute floods of tears. I don't feel strong enough to get through the next 7.5 months without her....

HOWEVER - It's not all doom and gloom, at least, not in terms of healthy eating. Yesterday I had a really nice Greek yoghurt with some honey and a small amount of granola for breakfast (It was rather sweet, however as there was a lot of honey). Then for lunch, I just went to the Company canteen as was raining outside and I couldn't be bothered to go anywhere else. I think I chose quite well - lots of chicken, lots of chickpeas, some butter and kidney beans, some hummus and a boiled egg... I didn't fill the pot, but what I did eat (as I finished it), was very nice. I had a banana for a snack mid afternoon which was a good idea as I started feeling slightly queezy - I'm really hoping this isn't morning sickness :-S

And then dinner... The reason I didn't blog last night was because I was staying with two of my sisters in London. I went there straight after work and had a really lovely time catching up over a cup of tea. One of my sisters lives with her boyfriend in their flat, and the other sister moved in with them about a year ago after she split with her boyfriend and wanted to save some money to buy a flat. 

As I was so emotional, I blurted out I was pregnant and they were just so lovely about it. Said they would support whatever decision I made, said there was no right / wrong way to feel and not feeling 'happy' and 'excited' about things doesn't make me an evil person.... They said they were looking forward to trying new things at Christmas like making non-alcoholic mulled wine and it wasn't an issue not eating soft cheese - I am so grateful to have such lovely and supportive sisters... It made me cry even more!

For dinner we went to a lovely Greek restaurant and I decided not to have a starter, but instead have a 'salmon stew' with a side order of spinach. Honestly, it was absolutely lovely, there was loads and loads of salmon and the spinach was amazing. I was really glad I didn't have a starter as I was utterly stuffed by the end of it. After a nice walk back to my sisters flat and more chatting, I slept on the futon in the living room (which was surprisingly comfy) and managed to get a decent nights sleep.

Breakfast this morning was ready made porridge with soy milk (my sister made it for me as she doesn't have normal milk in the house), with lunch being 3 small triangle sandwiches and a handful of crisps (the conference catering wasn't bad, but I didn't really feel like much) - I think I had a cheese and cucumber sandwich, a pastrami one and a chicken one. You know when you get 2 slices of bread and cut it into 4 triangles? Well, that's the size of each one.

Then the whole day went wrong... I left early to get a train back home to see my counsellor and she wasn't there, then I got very upset.... My Boyfriend was amazing as usual, suggested he go and get food to cook for us and I ended up crying at him whilst we had a really nice baked sweet potato, small can of beans with a couple of tablespoons of coleslaw - It was delicious.

Tomorrow is the second day of the conference and I should actually get a bit of a lie in which I'm looking forward to - I'm also looking forward to the fact that tomorrow is my last day at 'work' for a while, although I can't say I'm excited about going to Mexico at the moment. More - apprehensive. I think when I'm back and nothing has gone wrong I'll be really chuffed and can look forward to moving in with my boyfriend and hopefully sorting out my head.

So in a nutshell.... My healthy eating is going really well, which I think at the moment is very important for two reasons - one for my own mental health and of course, the other is for 'the thing' inside me at the moment. If I look back at what I was blogging a few months ago, I'd have never thought this would have happened.. however that's life and I know I'm very lucky to have so many supportive people in my life. 

Coming to terms with things?

Today has been a lot easier than the last few days

It's been different but quite nice 'living' at my Boyfriends house for the last couple of days. I stayed over his house last night and as he's lovely... He gave up his bed for me (I find it really hard sleeping with anyone in the same bed) However, as his bed is very different to mine - He suggested we just 'take' my memory foam mattress topper and all of the bed linen, and just roll it into a sausage and take it to his and stick it on top of his mattress on his bed..... So we did! It looked like we were carrying a body out of my house and into his :-)

We cuddled and talked until midnight - The fact I'm still petrified... I don't want my life to change beyond all recognition... The idea of sleep deprivation terrifies me. Apparently people think having a baby is 'Hell' and then all parents say 'It's so much worse than your worse Hell imagined'.. And that's it.. I just don't think I'd cope with lack of sleep very well, then I'd get annoyed, upset, not bond with the baby... I was also saying to my Boyfriend that if it wasn't to happen (e.g. I miscarried) I think I'd feel an awful sense of just, well, relief - that my life won't change, that I won't have to go through pain and 9 months of pregnancy.... and then more pain to get the baby out.. and then sleepless nights. However that makes me feel so guilty, like I'm such an evil person for saying that.

But, if someone had 2 termination pills in front of me right now - and gave them to me without any judgement, I just don't know if I'd be able to take them. I honestly don't - there's something stopping me, but I don't know what that is. I said to him that I just can't see any positives about having kids, none at all, just 18+ years of crap. How can I have changed my mind so much in such a short space of time? I wanted this, and now it's actually happening, I'm just focussing on all of the negatives. 

Thankfully my Boyfriend just listened - said he would support me in whatever decision I made, that he thought I worried too much and that I'd be a fantastic Mother, however it was up to me and he wouldn't want to influence me either way....

After saying goodnight to my Boyfriend, I actually slept really well. It was kind of like being in my bed, but in a different setting and I managed to sleep from 12:00 midnight to 5:00am and then after going to the loo, slept until 7:30am... That's the best night sleep I've had in a week. After more cuddles in bed (seriously, this isn't usually like me, I'm like the Ice Queen and I've turned really clingy) we decided to head down to Winchester Farmers Market to get some meat for our stew, make the stew and then go Alpaca trekking! Despite getting to the Farmers Market by 10:30, it was already quite busy and after a quick orange juice in Costa (I already had 1 cup of tea in bed this morning and I'm trying to cut down to 2 cups of tea a day), we grabbed some Mexico Guidebooks in Waterstones and then wandered around the Market.

As well as getting some Buffalo meat for the stew, we also got a fishcake each and some 'bubble and squeak' which was effectively brunch as it was getting to 11:30 and I hadn't eaten breakfast. The fishcake was lovely (not too spicy or smoky) and the bubble and squeak wasn't bad, although by the end of eating it, I was rather full. I *also* went into Phase 8 and actually found a really nice dress which I tried on. Unfortunately, despite the fact I'm currently wearing a size 14 Phase 8 top as I type this, the size 16 dress was too tight across my chest, so I bought the size 18. I'm not planning on wearing it as a dress, but I thought with black jeans or trousers for work, I could wear it more like a tunic... Also, the material expands, so in a few months..... Yeah well, let's just wait and see what happens....

We got back to my Boyfriends house and started on the stew - 8 hours on 'low' in the slow cooker - GO! And then we went to do some 'Alpaca Trekking' which we'd both been looking forward to. We wandered around fields with Alpacas on leads a few months ago when we visited the Hensting Alpacas and had an absolutely amazing time. I found the deal on Groupon and for £25, you could stroke, learn about and walk around with the Alpacas. The people running it were lovely and you could tell they loved their Alpacas a lot and cared for them  loads as well - so it wasn't just about 'the money', but educating people. When I saw a very similar deal on Groupon again for a different Alpaca farm, I thought 'Why not?' so today we went and visited the Penny Bridge Alpacas.

The whole set up was slightly different and they had a lot more Alpacas than at Hensting - however their alpacas didn't seem as well trained (one of them kicked and grazed my Boyfriends leg) and they didn't seem very happy walking around on leads. It was lovely to see them wandering around the fields and they look absolutely cute and cuddly, however they had all been sheared a couple of months ago, so they weren't as fluffy as they had been in the Hensting place. If you've never been Alpaca trekking and fancied doing something different, I'd certainly recommend it - Despite it not being as fun as last time, it was still nice to get out of the house and by the end of the 2 hours, I realised I'd done 8,500 steps, just by going to the Farmers Market and walking around with the Alpacas, so not bad exercise, either ;-)

I also felt more - calm today, a lot more accepting about what was happening and a lot less worried. I even managed to look at baby bottles in Boots when my boyfriend was looking at sunglasses, which is a massive thing for me as I didn't cry and was actually 'interested' in the things.... Don't get me wrong, I'm still petrified and if someone offered to put the clock back 6 weeks without any repercussions, I'd do it in an instant.... However that's not how life works, so yeah.. I guess you can only moved forward.

By the time the Alpaca fun was over, it was 4pm and I was starving after only eating a fishcake and a small amount of bubble and squeak. The slow cooked stew wouldn't be ready for another few hours so I suggested to my Boyfriend we grab something light and we settled for 'beans on toast' - classy. We stopped off at a local shop to get some bread and whilst in the queue, I noticed a new chocolate bar out from Galaxy - 'Duet'... My boyfriend grabbed one of each and when we got home, we tried them. I was quite impressed with my willpower as I only had 2 squares of each one. Oddly, I don't have a massive craving for chocolate at the moment, so 4 squares in total was more than enough.  I also only had one slice of bread with a small can of beans and now feel totally fine. I can easily wait another 2 hours for dinner :-)

The slow cooked stew consists of a 'slow cooked stew mix', with potatoes, carrots, swede, tomato purée and buffalo meat - No added salt or sugar, so shouldn't be too bad for me. I'm quite looking forward to it as it's smells lovely! 

Tomorrow night I'm at my sisters house in London - I'm really looking forward to seeing my younger sisters (the youngest one is staying with the second youngest one and her boyfriend as she's saving to buy her own place in London). I think we're going to an Italian restaurant after work and I'm keen to continue my healthy eating so will hopefully be able to forgo a started and just find something really yummy for my main.

It would be nice to think that this sense of 'calm' continues - the last few days have been so unhappy and sad for me - swinging between 'If a woman of half my age can do this, so can I', to 'Dear God, Dear God, what have I done? I can't do this and need to terminate'.... However all that matters, right here, right now is that I am trying to nourish my body with healthy food so that I can reach the best decision for myself and my boyfriend, whatever that may be.

Eating healthily when you're mentally struggling

I'm still trying to get my head around the last few days

So, I'm still pregnant and I'm still upset / worried / anxious, however not as much as yesterday.

Friday was pretty good - I actually managed to get some sleep on Thursday night. I was working in the office in London so I grabbed some malt loaf from my kitchen and for breakfast had a small cup of tea and malt loaf. I don't know if people cut caffeine out completely, however I've cut down to 2 cups a day, which I don't think is too bad - especially as I don't drink coffee and am not drinking any Cherry Pepsi Max at all at the moment.

Work was pretty OK, the stuff I've been asked to do isn't hard, however as I'm currently sat on a bank of desks on my own (there aren't enough desks to go round so some of us have to hot desk) I was feeling a bit lonely when other members of the team were talking to each other and I was sat on my own - They didn't mean it maliciously at all (as they offered me coffee / tea whenever they were making any) but I think at the moment I'm just craving human contact. As such, for lunch I decided that rather than go to the work canteen, I'd get some fresh air and retraced the journey that my colleague had shown me last week and went to the Japanese kitchen. I wasn't feeling too adventurous, so just opted for the same as last time - Salmon donburi with brown rice and puy lentils with a side order of chilli squid.

It tasted absolutely lovely, however it was too much food so I didn't manage to eat it all which isn't usually a problem, however my company don't have 'normal' bins, so you are forced to divide everything up into food waste / paper / packaging recycling... which meant I had to tip the uneaten food into one and the packaging into another!

After work, I headed straight back on the train, got into my car and drove to meet my Gastric Bypass Friend which was lovely as I hadn't seen her for a couple of weeks. We were going to go to Wagamamas, however it was actually really busy, so in the end we went to Strada instead. As I'd read that you're supposed to get loads of iron in your diet when you're pregnant, I decided I'd eat a steak - It was lovely :-) No pudding or anything else in the restaurant, however afterwards we went to a bar to get a drink and I got a pineapple mocktail. Yum! 

Then things went slightly downhill as I was driving back home as all the 'bad' thoughts started entering my head.... How was I going to cope with sleepless nights? How could I cope with losing my friends as none of them have children? (and that's what seems to happen) how can I deal with actually being a 'Mother'.. is my relationship going to survive? I felt totally desperate and ended up phoning my boyfriend and telling him I was thinking of having a termination. He was lovely, we just talked and he said that it was entirely my decision.... I love the fact he doesn't try and pressure me into anything...

This morning I felt a bit better, but still 'sad'. and then I felt guilty for feeling sad and worried as surely everyone's happy when they find out they're pregnant? Especially if they've been trying for it to happen? My boyfriend picked me up at 09:00 and we went to Marks and Spencers to get some breakfast and to buy some clothes to Mexico as we're off on Thursday! In the Cafe I felt really, really teary and deliberately didn't walk through the baby section as we were walking there.... I ordered a 'smoked salmon and egg bloomer' and decided on some orange juice as I'd already had a cup of tea in the morning.. It was really nice, however it felt weird that the bread wasn't toasted.

After M&S, we headed down to Wiltshire to see my Dad - something I was feeling a bit anxious about after 'text-gate', however it actually went really well, far better than I expected. We went to a farm shop and then across the road to a pub which was lovely. For lunch I had a cheese ploughman's, however only ate one slice of the bread and half of the cheese as it was literally a massive chunk as big as my hand!Too much cheese and bread for me :-(

After lunch, we headed back home and my Dad drove us in his 4x4 to a place I used to go as a child and as it was a lovely day, it was really nice to just remember all the happy times that I used to have with my sisters, Granny and Aunt. All in all, it was a lovely day and spending 4 hours with my Father is the longest I've spent with him for ages.... He didn't say anything horrible, I didn't either... it was just nice.

My boyfriend and I are now at home (my house tonight) watching 'Last Night of the proms' and he's sat on the sofa whilst I'm blogging :-) For dinner we had more steak (I think that's enough red meat for a while) with spinach, home made cajun sweet potato chips and steamed carrots. It was absolutely lovely, but I struggled to eat the steak so gave 1/3rd of it to my boyfriend :-)

At the moment I'm feeling OK - I still have time to decide what to do and visiting the midwife on Thursday really helped. I also think my head is finally getting used to the idea, however the worries, anxieties and unhappiness haven't subsided, I'm trying to take one day at a time, but it's just very hard as that's not usually me.

On Monday night I'm seeing two of my sisters and I'm really looking forward to that - they're always very supportive and I know they'll help me to figure things out.

Pregnant and wanting an ELCS from the start

It's been 2 days since I found out I'm pregnant.

Even saying it is weird. After doing 2 tests and them coming back negative, I just thought that my period was late due to stress. When I took the 3rd test on Tuesday and saw 2 blue lines I burst into tears and shaking, called my Boyfriend at work. He was due to come home anyway for a conference call, so I drove round to his house at lunch time (as I was also working at home) burst into more tears, apologised for 'ruining his life' and 'trapping him' and was just totally freaking out.

I've not slept much in the last 2 days as I just keep going over things in my head - I've been getting very minor periody like cramps, but so far, that's it. According to the calculator, I'm 4w+5 which apparently is '4 weeks and 5 days' - Christ, already getting in with the lingo. The main worry was / is financial as I thought it would take MONTHS to get pregnant. After all, I've had Pelvic Inflammatory Disease twice, a very severe uterus infection... so to get 'first time lucky' is just a totally crazy thing to happen. As it stands, I won't be entitled to my company maternity pay, so that's not great, however since I found out, My boyfriend and I have decided I'll move in with him in the next 2 months and he'll continue to pay the rent / bills and I'll put all of the rent / bill money that I would have paid on my house, into a 'maternity pot'....

I know it's normal to be anxious, but due to being needlephobic / terrified of medical professionals and after witnessing my sisters horrendous, horrendous birth 2 years ago (First baby... 3rd degree tear... double prolapse... so much blood she fainted...) I just know I can't / won't go through that, so whilst at the Drs, discussing the fact I had a bald patch on my head, I burst into tears about being pregnant and said that I wanted an elective caesarean... and if I wasn't able to have one, I'd terminate.

I feel like the worst person in the world even saying that, but it's honestly how I feel - The potential of having to go through something like my sister (who has diagnosed PTSD and can't talk about her birth without crying 2 years on) is just not an option.. It's just not - I'd go through the next 8 months being petrified, upset and not enjoying any of it. 

The Dr was lovely and actually spoke to another Dr who said I should book an appointment with the midwife to discuss things. When I went to the Drs reception, they said they had an appointment for today! So in less than 4 hours after seeing the Dr and only being 4 weeks pregnant, I got a midwife appointment...  I went this afternoon (after saying to my work colleagues I had an emergency dentists appointment) and promptly burst into tears at the midwife - I said the same thing... I am petrified of medical professionals, terrified of needles and not being in control of my own body and just couldn't fathom going through with a vaginal birth.

She was so, so lovely. She phoned up a Consultant who said that usually, they don't consider it until 14 weeks pregnant, but as I would consider a termination, they advised the midwife to write a letter to the Head Consultant, outlining my feelings to try and get things done earlier. She also said she'd book me in as early as possible for a 'dating scan' and to take bloods and we could talk more then. She said that whilst she couldn't promise anything as it wasn't her place, there was a woman who had similar anxieties to me and whilst she had to be referred to a Consultant, she was granted an elective section.

We then talked about the blood test (apparently they take FOUR viles of blood) and she said I could have numbing cream beforehand and she'd hide the needles and I wouldn't have to look. She also said 'Let's look at your veins' and put the weird elastic strap on my arm and told me to pump my fist a few times.... She said she could see lots of veins, so I should be fine. This has made me feel so much better. She listened, she could see I was so upset and worried and she respected my wishes...  I asked if I could make sure I saw her again, and she said yes, so now I know there's a lovely, lovely midwife to see - this makes me so happy as I can 'plan' to see her and planning makes me less worried about stuff.

She told me to get a 'planning pack' from the reception - which they gave me and a urine sample pot... apparently you have to give a sample when you next see the midwife? I get to fill everything out which I am sure will be fun... 

So my midwife appointment (Dear God that sounds so weird) is on 8th October when I'll be 8 weeks. 4 weeks of, well.. not very much to happen. But that's OK, as I believe I could potentially get an elective section and be able to plan things, not worry as much and can maybe even enjoy the next 8 months.

So... Food!

Well, Since I found out, I've not really been hungry at all, but I'm trying to eat as much as possible. Yesterday at work I had some green yoghurt with granola for breakfast and it was delicious. I also had a banana and for lunch, we had a work lunch at 'Revolutions' (Yeah, it is a vodka bar but it also serves food at lunch time!) everyone else had a burger, but I had a 'green salad with lemon and garlic chicken' with mineral water. I've cut my caffeine right back to two cups of tea a day and am mostly off the Cherry Pepsi Max unless I really want one. 

Last night, my boyfriend and I did 'healthy fish and chips' again, which was lovely and today I've had some malt loaf, a handful of strawberries and a wholemeal pitta bread with grilled chicken and tomatoes for lunch. Tonight I'm having fish fingers and roasted sweet potato wedges.

Obviously with this news, I'm not going to necessarily achieve my goal of fitting into size 14 trousers by Christmas, but I can still achieve my goal of eating healthy. I'm going to try and ensure I don't go too crazy, but I want to nourish my body and not cram junk food in my gob.

I still don't feel 'happy', but then it's only been 2 days since I found out - that's no time at all. However the fact that I've had a very positive experience at my local medical practice today where everyone seemed to respect my wishes and help me, has made me feel a lot less worried.

I'm pregnant

In total shock.