Depression in pregnancy

Unfortunately my happy mood did not last overly long

Which is very frustrating as I'm usually a really happy person (in my opinion, anyway!) - The last few days have been quite low and whilst I've tried to combat them with healthy eating (Malt loaf for breakfast or on one occasion, greek yoghurt with berries and granola from the work canteen which was lovely), mostly salads for lunch etc (Oh, and a very nice fish finger sandwich on Thursday night after watching the Apprentice on Wednesday!) It doesn't seem to have made much of a difference.

Yesterday I was working North of London which meant I had a 3+ hour commute to the office and then a 3+ hour commute back home, on top of a normal days work. Thankfully I was slightly sensible and stayed with my sister on Wednesday night which meant that 3+ hours was actually just over 1.5 hours, otherwise my 6:30am start would have been 5:00am which is just crazy!

Needless to say, last night I was absolutely knackered and coming back on the final train, where there wasn't any seats, I just sat on the floor near a door and stared at the floor for an hour :-) Hardly lady like, but hell, it was better than standing! I was feeling very dehydrated as I stupidly didn't take any water in my handbag so as my boyfriend was picking me up from the train station, I asked him to bring a drink with him (I didn't have time to buy one else I would have missed my final train and would have been back even later). That's certainly something I'm going to try and avoid doing in future and I believe Evian do really mini bottles of water so I was thinking of putting one in my handbag for emergencies.

I can't actually believe it's been 5 days since I last blogged, at the moment, a lot of 'normal' things for me seem to need quite a lot of effort which isn't good. Monday was a particularly bad day in terms of how I was feeling and when my Boyfriend texted me after work, I basically told him that I couldn't cope and I felt like either throwing myself in front of a train or terminating the pregnancy. If you knew me, you'd wonder what was going on - I'm usually a really active, happy, positive person, however since being pregnant, everything has changed and I just feel very down a lot of the time.

My Boyfriend was amazing as usual and said whatever I wanted to do was absolutely fine - however after telling him I was genuinely thinking of killing myself, I realised I needed to do something about it so not only spoke to my counsellor on Tuesday, but also booked a Drs appointment for today. 

My Counsellor asked if I had ever read up on Tokophobia which I said I hadn't - she didn't say any more about it, however a quick Google was all that was needed and it was literally like someone had been inside my head and written down what I was thinking and feeling. I really don't care if I'm 'labelled' with it or not, as currently I would just like to be happy and positive about being pregnant, you know, like most people! :-) Rather than having these massive fears / worries and now suicidal thoughts. 

When I went to the Drs today, I was very honest about how I felt and she was really nice and listened to me - I didn't feel fobbed off at all which is even more evidence that the treatment I had when I was a child was actually more rare than I thought - the last few times I've seen any medical professional, they have all been really, really lovely. She suggested I think about anti depressants and after crying at her for 15 minutes, she wrote me a prescription - I've got 28 tablets of Sertraline sitting on my coffee table right now.

She did say it was low risk, and obviously pointed out that the risks to the baby would be less than if I terminated or killed myself - OK, point taken, however reading up on the affects in pregnancy, it seems to be the case that the first 12 weeks are the most vital (which I knew anyway, which is why I made the choice not to drink any alcohol at all) and therefore suggests that potential birth defects can happen.... I'm really confused at the moment and as such, haven't started taking them. I really want to feel better, happier and normal, but on the other hand, if I took a tablet and it caused a birth defect - I don't know if I could live with that guilt.

At the moment, I'm wondering if I can 'hang on' until my scan which is a week today (my letter came through on Tuesday and my blood test results were all fine from last week) If the scan shows that everything is fine, then I'll basically be 10+6, so 11 weeks essentially. That means there's only one more week to go in the first trimester and therefore every day I can 'hang on' is another day closer to the end of the first 12 weeks that are so vital. I don't think I'll be able to cope with feeling like this for 30 more weeks, in fact, I know I won't - however trying to get through the first 12 and therefore lowering the risk of anything affecting 'the thing' seems like the most sensible thing to do.....

I don't know - however what I do know is that I won't give up so easily - I'm still so lucky to have amazingly supportive friends and family and my wonderful boyfriend and on the very occasional moments where I don't feel very low, I know I don't want to terminate so I need to find a way of trying to get through this.

As it's Friday, the weekend is fast approaching and I'm hoping to get out, get some fresh air and make a healthy fish stew. I'm still moving things into my Boyfriends house, but thankfully things seem to be getting there so when we finally move the big furniture items, all my clothes etc will already be in my room :-)

Unexpected kindness from strangers

I'm glad today is nearly over!

Unfortunately I didn't sleep very well last night - My sisters flat is very near a main road and the traffic noise outside was really bad. I managed to nod off a few times, but seemed to wake every 1-2 hours which meant I was rather tired in the morning... As I'm cat sitting in my sisters flat I didn't have the usual 1.5 hour commute into London but a 30 minute tube ride instead. However, as it's a much busier tube line it wasn't an overly relaxing commute to work!

Despite bringing some Malt Loaf with me, I managed to totally forget it so I bought a yoghurt in the company canteen and ate that whilst putting together some last minute statistics my Boss asked me to do at very short notice. We've just moved desks at work due to a number of business areas changing so the first hour or was spent sorting things out and trying to find out when our desks would have power as we were relying on our laptop batteries holding up!

My mood has been pretty stable for the last few days, however today it took a bit of a turn for the worst. I post on an online forum (I imagine some people could hazard a guess as to which one) and have been posting regarding being pregnant and being totally honest about how I feel - the fact that I'm not 100% sure what I want to do, how I feel scared, unsure and how, on Thursday I'm going to have mixed feelings over my scan / what the midwife says. Now obviously, on an online forum, you accept that others have different opinions to you, however one person asked if it was really the right forum for me as I wasn't like the others and other people are so happy / anxious about their pregnancy progressing and I'm not.

I don't think the poster meant anything bad per se, however it made me feel really upset - I have been very grateful to strangers for offering support (and have tried to post on other threads to support people in return) and to suggest that it might not be the right place to post for support as I have different thoughts and feelings to the other women made me feel like a freak and I was trying to hold back tears as I was at work today.

Lunch was a salad from the canteen and I was trying to 'get over the feelings', when a random poster on the same thread sent me a private message saying she hoped I was OK, that she totally understood how I felt and how she thought it was good I was really thinking whether Motherhood was for me. A total random person who didn't need to make effort to do anything and she made time to send me a really lovely message. It really helped and made me feel less like a freak - I just want to be happy and excited but I can't be at the moment.

I keep thinking 'Yeah, I can do this MY way' but then I worry if I'm being naive and no matter what I say / want, I'll turn into a martyr who puts her children first, before anything, never wants to go out and buries her head in the sand as her relationship and career goes down the drain.... I know I'm asking a rhetorical question, but surely it's possible to have a life and children? surely? 

As the afternoon progressed, so did my headache and a dull ache seemed to develop in the middle of my brain. 5pm arrived and I headed out of the door and straight to the nearest Boots so I could buy some earplugs and hopefully sleep better tonight. I also bought dinner in the Tescos Express next door so I could buy fish fingers and beans - Hardly the most glamorous of dinners, however I was really craving both beans and fish fingers and it turned out really well :-) 

My Boyfriend texted me and told me he was getting my cold, which isn't good - I hope he feels better soon (thankfully I'm not coughing as much and my sore throat has gone, but it took long enough!). I don't mind cat sitting in my sisters flat, but I am feeling a bit lonely at the moment and I still have a lot of worry and anxiety in the back of my head in regards to being pregnant and what to do.... 

One day at a time, working from home tomorrow so I can hopefully have a great nights sleep! Things always feel less dire when you're not tired or feeling knackered. 

Awesome weekend

It's been a really good few days and I'm hoping next week continues in the same vein.

I'm now sat in a North London flat, with 2 black cats as I'm cat sitting for one of my sisters. My entire family (sisters, parents, niece, sisters boyfriends / Husband) are all on holiday in the Scilly Isles so I'm looking after my sisters 2 cats until they come back on Sunday.

It's been a good few days. My hormones and all symptoms seem to have just, well.. stopped. I am feeling much more like 'me' again, I don't have any slight cramping, my chest isn't as sore and I don't feel sick in the slightest. On one hand, it's great, on the other, I have no idea what's going on inside me, however I guess I only have to wait until next Thursday and then I'll find out.

Friday was a good day at work as there was only one work colleague in the office with me - I got a lot of work done and existed on a 'yogurty oat pot' with orange juice for breakfast and a salmon donburi with multi grain rice for lunch. After getting home, I really, really fancied a curry, so ordered a really nice Chicken korma with pilau rice and a saga-loo - It was absolutely delicious and I really enjoyed it.  I had a really lazy Friday night in front of the TV and by 10:00pm, I was in the bath, before snuggling up in my bed and sleeping for quite a long time. 

Saturday morning I changed my sheets, did some chores, did a spot of food shopping and then drove to the station to pick up my friend from Wales. She's the friend who had a gastric band a few years ago and is now 6.5 months pregnant (different to my gastric band friend), I met her when I used to work as a Consultant on a project in South Wales and we became really good friends as she's as mental as I am :-) 

It was absolutely lovely seeing her and we just talked and talked and talked all weekend - We went back home first of all so I could get my washing out of the machine and hang it up, then we headed into London and went to the Sea Life centre. I grabbed some sushi from Wasabi before I got there for breakfast / lunch and we waited about 45 minutes in a queue before we bought the tickets and went in. Despite it being a very busy Saturday afternoon and waiting in a line for a while, it was actually pretty good and a lot better and more clean than I remember it being when I went about 12 years ago with an ex boyfriend. 

We spent a good couple of hours wandering around, looking at all the fish and before I knew it, I had the notifications by 'S health' on my phone that I'd walked 10,000 steps and had been active for 90 minutes. Despite my friend being 6.5 months pregnant, she didn't really look pregnant, she actually just looked a bit overweight. I obviously didn't say that to her, but she did say she thought she didn't really have a bump but as she had loose skin from the 7 stone she had lost from the gastric band, she had 'kinda grown back into her body' but obviously this is a temporary thing as opposed to her just eating too much.

After Sea Life, my friend said she really wanted to go to 'Chocky Wocky Do Dah' as she used to watch the show and really wanted to go to the shop. I have heard of the show but don't really know much about it, however as she was my guest and I really had no problem going anywhere, we headed off to the place. It was rather full and the chocolate was rather expensive, however they certainly sell some interesting cakes! We put our name down for a table upstairs in the coffee shop and were told it would be about a 25 minute wait, so wandered around the shop, seeing it there was anything nice we could buy - I found a lovely chocolate yellow bath duck, which I bought for my boyfriend as a Christmas present :-)

When we were called upstairs, we had a really nice table by the window and I ordered a 'Chocky Wocky Sundae' and she ordered a '6 cake slice'. My sundae was amazing, however way too much chocolate and my friend only ate 1/3rd of her cake. One of the nice things about buying the cake is, they offer you boxes for free so you can take it home with you so my friend actually finished the cake for tea!

No more cake or food for us! After that, we headed back to the tube station and started our journey home, getting back at about 7pm. I did suggest we spend the rest of the evening watching crazy TV, however we actually just talked and talked and talked and it was so nice - My friend is also scared (it's her first baby) and when it kicks her, she says 'it's weird and freaky', she also says she doesn't feel she wants to be tied to the baby constantly and wants her Husband to co-parent and look after the baby too - Is this really so weird? When we were on the sofa, she shouted 'Oh F**k!' and her stomach just moved! She said 'He's kicking me' (she knows it's a boy) and sure enough, her stomach was just moving.... It was so odd...

Today we both drove over to my Boyfriends house and had breakfast (I had 2 slices of honey on seeded toast) before I drove her back to the train station so she could head back to Wales. My boyfriend and I then drove to Argos to get a canvas wardrobe so my Boyfriend could move all his clothes from his big spare room into his bedroom in preparation for me to move in. We actually did really well and have now cleared out a whole bedroom! We celebrated by driving 2 hours to North London and having sushi for dinner before cuddling on my sisters Sofa, watching 'Have I got news for you' before my Boyfriend said goodbye and headed back home.

I know I've eaten out a *lot* in the last few days and as I'm now living at my sisters house for the next 3 nights (I'm heading back for one night on Wednesday as I've got my midwifes appointment on Thursday morning) I don't really have much food to eat at the moment (although I have found some new Soreen bars to try for Breakfast!). I'm going to try and get a good nights sleep tonight and find a local supermarket so I can at least make something healthy tomorrow night and not exist on more restaurant / takeaway food.

I'm not going to lie - I'm still in two minds about continuing the pregnancy. I think I've made up my mind and then I will read or hear something and then swing the other way, however at the moment, I just need to try and wait until Thursday when at least I will know what's currently happening within me, so I can discuss all options with the midwife and really try and work out what is best for my Boyfriend and myself.

Less than 4 days to go!

Routine in pregnancy

So back at work with only slight jet lag

I didn't sleep overly well last night to be honest. I got very tearful when I said goodbye to my boyfriend yesterday and ended up getting quite upset and tearful and felt quite alone. I did try to phone one of my sisters, but sadly she didn't pick up the phone so ended up trying to go to sleep and not worry about things. I did manage to sleep, however kept waking up every 1-2 hours and then I was fixated on actually 'getting some sleep' before I needed to go to work and then started worrying about the fact I wasn't sleeping!

When I got up at 6:20, I was pretty knackered, however felt better after having a shower and felt pretty good about the fact my work trousers didn't feel tighter. I don't know why, but it's one thing I was dreading - not being able to wear them or at the very least, them feeling a lot tighter. 

Breakfast was a small malt loaf breakfast bar - Soreen seem to have a new product out and it's actually really nice. I ate that with a small cup of tea and that filled me up perfectly. I had a snack at 11:00 which was a small bag of Sainsburys jumbo cranberries and raisins and then for lunch, I had a salad. Unfortunately I wasn't able to finish the salad as within 10 minutes, my stomach started rumbling and I felt I needed to go to the toilet - I don't know what my stomach thought was wrong with the salad but let's just say it didn't stay in my tummy for very long!

I also started feeling more and more sick throughout the day, I kept thinking to myself 'Don't throw up, you're not going to suffer from Morning Sickness, don't be silly'. I managed to get the train home and then drive back to my house before feeling really sick - as soon as I got in the house I ran upstairs to the toilet and tried to throw up, only for nothing to come up! I actually felt a lot better after that and oddly, I've felt OK the entire night.

Even though I'd spent 10 days straight with my Boyfriend, he came round tonight as well and we just spent the evening watching random TV which included more 'Grand Designs' and a documentary about the KKK (It's really sad that people still have such racist views), Dinner tonight was really nice BBQ turkey breast with rosemary roast potatoes and steamed broccoli and cauliflower. It was really, really nice and I felt really happy eating the veg. Tomorrow I'm already lusting after a baked sweet potato with beans and coleslaw so if I get to crave 'healthy' things, I guess that's a plus?

In regards to how I'm feeling about the pregnancy - I'm feeling OK today. I think going back to work and back to my 'routine' helped a lot and took my mind off things. It's just another day that I can remind myself that pregnancy is a slow process.. it's not as if tomorrow I'll wake up and have a baby. However I am still struggling with my thoughts and they're still not 'happy'. I have been posting on an online forum where the ladies have been really, really supportive and non-judgemental. I do think that online forums can be pretty horrible places sometimes, however when you write an honest post and get some really thoughtful and helpful responses, it makes a massive difference - Especially when they reply with 'I feel the same way' or 'You're not a freak'.

Tomorrow I get to see my counsellor - the first time in 3 weeks and I've never been looking forward to seeing her so much in my life! Partly because I want to talk to her about what's been happening with me in the last 3 weeks and partly because on Thursday I have my filling - my first ever filling and not only that.... it means an injection in my mouth :-( I feel OK about it at the moment as I trust my Dentist and have been seeing her for years, however I think in the next 48 hours I'll start feeling more and more nervous about it..... However, it's 'only' an injection... I'll be OK... deep breath and all that!