I've been looking forward to this all day

Sleeping in until 8:30am is usually unheard of for me

However I definitely needed it and felt a lot better for sleeping for a long time (although I still woke up to go to the toilet during the night!). Today has been incredibly productive, both in work and in my personal life which always makes me feel happy as I like feeling like I've achieved something.

Breakfast was another Soreen malt loaf breakfast bar and at 11:00am I had a banana - Rock and Roll! I didn't know what I wanted for lunch, however when I drove to Tescos, I had a big craving for scrambled eggs on toast, so that's what I went for - with a little ketchup on the top, it was lovely! I then managed to phone up the Bank and sort out another savings account (so I can start saving money as I won't be entitled to maternity pay from my company) and then phoned up the storage company and confirmed a storage Unit from 1st November onwards... The boxes I ordered from eBay turned up shortly after that, so I was happily packing things up, in preparation for moving in with my Boyfriend.

Work wasn't too bad either, considering I was working from home - I had quite a few phone conferences, however they all went fine and I managed to crack on with a few things which was good. 

Then came the meeting I'd been looking forward to for the last 3 weeks - seeing my counsellor. I didn't mention 3 weeks ago, however I turned up to my regular appointment and she wasn't there - it totally and utterly threw me and I was very upset, whilst the logical explanation was that she got the dates I was on holiday mixed up, I couldn't help thinking that maybe she didn't like the fact I said I wasn't happy being pregnant and had decided not to see me any more, or, God forbid.. something had happened to her. 

Nope, it was just the fact she had got the dates mixed up, but I was really upset as wanted to talk to her about the Midwifes appointment and how I was feeling. As I then went on holiday, I hadn't seen her for 3 weeks and it was really good to talk about everything - About how I feel, how scared I am, how worried I am about losing control of my body, putting on weight, things changing - It's just terrifying really. 

Having someone who doesn't judge you, who listens and doesn't tell you how you should feel is really good - especially at the moment. She seemed to understand I was scared and petrified about the thought of a vaginal birth and said that she could understand why I didn't feel I could go through with it. She also said that maybe it would get worse, before it gets better, but it will get better at some point. I'd certainly like to think so - It's not going to be 9 months of feeling like this, surely?

She also said that it's a shock... I started off this year dreading my wisdom teeth removal.. got over that.. had a great job I enjoyed, then I started getting bullied at work... then I changed jobs... and now, 9 months later, I find myself just under 2 months pregnant. Life never stays still, does it? If I took today on its own, I'd be like 'Yeaaah, this is fine, I can do this for 7 months' as I've not been feeling too sick or tired, however I'm just waiting for my mood to flip and feel like crap again.... 

One thing that did make me happy today was my dinner - A baked sweet potato with lots of beans and coleslaw - EPIC DINNER! I don't know why, but I've been looking forward to this all day and it was absolutely perfect, I managed to eat quite a lot of it and not feel sick at all :-) 

Tomorrow night I'm seeing my drama friend which should be nice as I've not seen her for a while actually. Not sure what we'll do in regards for dinner, but I'm sure it will be something nice :-)

Routine in pregnancy

So back at work with only slight jet lag

I didn't sleep overly well last night to be honest. I got very tearful when I said goodbye to my boyfriend yesterday and ended up getting quite upset and tearful and felt quite alone. I did try to phone one of my sisters, but sadly she didn't pick up the phone so ended up trying to go to sleep and not worry about things. I did manage to sleep, however kept waking up every 1-2 hours and then I was fixated on actually 'getting some sleep' before I needed to go to work and then started worrying about the fact I wasn't sleeping!

When I got up at 6:20, I was pretty knackered, however felt better after having a shower and felt pretty good about the fact my work trousers didn't feel tighter. I don't know why, but it's one thing I was dreading - not being able to wear them or at the very least, them feeling a lot tighter. 

Breakfast was a small malt loaf breakfast bar - Soreen seem to have a new product out and it's actually really nice. I ate that with a small cup of tea and that filled me up perfectly. I had a snack at 11:00 which was a small bag of Sainsburys jumbo cranberries and raisins and then for lunch, I had a salad. Unfortunately I wasn't able to finish the salad as within 10 minutes, my stomach started rumbling and I felt I needed to go to the toilet - I don't know what my stomach thought was wrong with the salad but let's just say it didn't stay in my tummy for very long!

I also started feeling more and more sick throughout the day, I kept thinking to myself 'Don't throw up, you're not going to suffer from Morning Sickness, don't be silly'. I managed to get the train home and then drive back to my house before feeling really sick - as soon as I got in the house I ran upstairs to the toilet and tried to throw up, only for nothing to come up! I actually felt a lot better after that and oddly, I've felt OK the entire night.

Even though I'd spent 10 days straight with my Boyfriend, he came round tonight as well and we just spent the evening watching random TV which included more 'Grand Designs' and a documentary about the KKK (It's really sad that people still have such racist views), Dinner tonight was really nice BBQ turkey breast with rosemary roast potatoes and steamed broccoli and cauliflower. It was really, really nice and I felt really happy eating the veg. Tomorrow I'm already lusting after a baked sweet potato with beans and coleslaw so if I get to crave 'healthy' things, I guess that's a plus?

In regards to how I'm feeling about the pregnancy - I'm feeling OK today. I think going back to work and back to my 'routine' helped a lot and took my mind off things. It's just another day that I can remind myself that pregnancy is a slow process.. it's not as if tomorrow I'll wake up and have a baby. However I am still struggling with my thoughts and they're still not 'happy'. I have been posting on an online forum where the ladies have been really, really supportive and non-judgemental. I do think that online forums can be pretty horrible places sometimes, however when you write an honest post and get some really thoughtful and helpful responses, it makes a massive difference - Especially when they reply with 'I feel the same way' or 'You're not a freak'.

Tomorrow I get to see my counsellor - the first time in 3 weeks and I've never been looking forward to seeing her so much in my life! Partly because I want to talk to her about what's been happening with me in the last 3 weeks and partly because on Thursday I have my filling - my first ever filling and not only that.... it means an injection in my mouth :-( I feel OK about it at the moment as I trust my Dentist and have been seeing her for years, however I think in the next 48 hours I'll start feeling more and more nervous about it..... However, it's 'only' an injection... I'll be OK... deep breath and all that! 

Going on holiday in your first trimester

I am like a yo-yo at the moment

The last two days haven't been too bad - I had a pretty good Monday at work and ate really healthy and today I was at an I.T. conference which I wasn't planning on going to, however my Boss had registered and then told me he was travelling and suggested I go. As I'm new, I could hardly say 'No thanks', however I have to be honest... it was pretty boring.

So... I'm still pregnant, my period still hasn't arrived (I don't know why, but when I go to the toilet, I keep thinking I'll see it soon) and my emotions are everywhere. I'm swinging between 'I can't do this, I just can't cope' to 'There's billions of women who have done it, as long as I get an elective caesarean I'll be OK, I just need to take one day at a time'. One thing that has been worrying me is that I'm off to Mexico on Thursday - I'll be 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant and I'm petrified that something is going to go wrong when I'm abroad. It's not Europe, so you can't exactly just get on a plane and hey presto, in 2 hours you'll be back home. What happens if the pregnancy is ectopic and my tube ruptures? What happens if I start bleeding? What happens if I eat something bad and fall ill?

Technically there's nothing stopping me - apart from fear. We've planned this trip for about 9 months - 5 days in Mexico City and then 4 days in Cancun. We've got loads of tours booked and I was really looking forward to chilling out and spending time with my Boyfriend, now all I have is fear, 'what happens if something goes wrong?' - which I can't get my head around as, well... I don't think I'm 100% decided about what I want to do.

THEN.... I was supposed to be going to my counselling appointment tonight. I've been going to see a counsellor over my needle-phobia for nearly a year and tonight she wasn't there, It really, really threw me. I thought that the buzzer wasn't working as she didn't answer so I buzzed another buzzer and some nice person let me in, however when I walked up the stairs and knocked on her door - she wasn't there. I was actually really thrown by it - first time in a year she wasn't there.. and she hadn't contacted me saying she couldn't see me.... I phoned my boyfriend in absolute floods of tears. I don't feel strong enough to get through the next 7.5 months without her....

HOWEVER - It's not all doom and gloom, at least, not in terms of healthy eating. Yesterday I had a really nice Greek yoghurt with some honey and a small amount of granola for breakfast (It was rather sweet, however as there was a lot of honey). Then for lunch, I just went to the Company canteen as was raining outside and I couldn't be bothered to go anywhere else. I think I chose quite well - lots of chicken, lots of chickpeas, some butter and kidney beans, some hummus and a boiled egg... I didn't fill the pot, but what I did eat (as I finished it), was very nice. I had a banana for a snack mid afternoon which was a good idea as I started feeling slightly queezy - I'm really hoping this isn't morning sickness :-S

And then dinner... The reason I didn't blog last night was because I was staying with two of my sisters in London. I went there straight after work and had a really lovely time catching up over a cup of tea. One of my sisters lives with her boyfriend in their flat, and the other sister moved in with them about a year ago after she split with her boyfriend and wanted to save some money to buy a flat. 

As I was so emotional, I blurted out I was pregnant and they were just so lovely about it. Said they would support whatever decision I made, said there was no right / wrong way to feel and not feeling 'happy' and 'excited' about things doesn't make me an evil person.... They said they were looking forward to trying new things at Christmas like making non-alcoholic mulled wine and it wasn't an issue not eating soft cheese - I am so grateful to have such lovely and supportive sisters... It made me cry even more!

For dinner we went to a lovely Greek restaurant and I decided not to have a starter, but instead have a 'salmon stew' with a side order of spinach. Honestly, it was absolutely lovely, there was loads and loads of salmon and the spinach was amazing. I was really glad I didn't have a starter as I was utterly stuffed by the end of it. After a nice walk back to my sisters flat and more chatting, I slept on the futon in the living room (which was surprisingly comfy) and managed to get a decent nights sleep.

Breakfast this morning was ready made porridge with soy milk (my sister made it for me as she doesn't have normal milk in the house), with lunch being 3 small triangle sandwiches and a handful of crisps (the conference catering wasn't bad, but I didn't really feel like much) - I think I had a cheese and cucumber sandwich, a pastrami one and a chicken one. You know when you get 2 slices of bread and cut it into 4 triangles? Well, that's the size of each one.

Then the whole day went wrong... I left early to get a train back home to see my counsellor and she wasn't there, then I got very upset.... My Boyfriend was amazing as usual, suggested he go and get food to cook for us and I ended up crying at him whilst we had a really nice baked sweet potato, small can of beans with a couple of tablespoons of coleslaw - It was delicious.

Tomorrow is the second day of the conference and I should actually get a bit of a lie in which I'm looking forward to - I'm also looking forward to the fact that tomorrow is my last day at 'work' for a while, although I can't say I'm excited about going to Mexico at the moment. More - apprehensive. I think when I'm back and nothing has gone wrong I'll be really chuffed and can look forward to moving in with my boyfriend and hopefully sorting out my head.

So in a nutshell.... My healthy eating is going really well, which I think at the moment is very important for two reasons - one for my own mental health and of course, the other is for 'the thing' inside me at the moment. If I look back at what I was blogging a few months ago, I'd have never thought this would have happened.. however that's life and I know I'm very lucky to have so many supportive people in my life. 

Eating healthily when you're mentally struggling

I'm still trying to get my head around the last few days

So, I'm still pregnant and I'm still upset / worried / anxious, however not as much as yesterday.

Friday was pretty good - I actually managed to get some sleep on Thursday night. I was working in the office in London so I grabbed some malt loaf from my kitchen and for breakfast had a small cup of tea and malt loaf. I don't know if people cut caffeine out completely, however I've cut down to 2 cups a day, which I don't think is too bad - especially as I don't drink coffee and am not drinking any Cherry Pepsi Max at all at the moment.

Work was pretty OK, the stuff I've been asked to do isn't hard, however as I'm currently sat on a bank of desks on my own (there aren't enough desks to go round so some of us have to hot desk) I was feeling a bit lonely when other members of the team were talking to each other and I was sat on my own - They didn't mean it maliciously at all (as they offered me coffee / tea whenever they were making any) but I think at the moment I'm just craving human contact. As such, for lunch I decided that rather than go to the work canteen, I'd get some fresh air and retraced the journey that my colleague had shown me last week and went to the Japanese kitchen. I wasn't feeling too adventurous, so just opted for the same as last time - Salmon donburi with brown rice and puy lentils with a side order of chilli squid.

It tasted absolutely lovely, however it was too much food so I didn't manage to eat it all which isn't usually a problem, however my company don't have 'normal' bins, so you are forced to divide everything up into food waste / paper / packaging recycling... which meant I had to tip the uneaten food into one and the packaging into another!

After work, I headed straight back on the train, got into my car and drove to meet my Gastric Bypass Friend which was lovely as I hadn't seen her for a couple of weeks. We were going to go to Wagamamas, however it was actually really busy, so in the end we went to Strada instead. As I'd read that you're supposed to get loads of iron in your diet when you're pregnant, I decided I'd eat a steak - It was lovely :-) No pudding or anything else in the restaurant, however afterwards we went to a bar to get a drink and I got a pineapple mocktail. Yum! 

Then things went slightly downhill as I was driving back home as all the 'bad' thoughts started entering my head.... How was I going to cope with sleepless nights? How could I cope with losing my friends as none of them have children? (and that's what seems to happen) how can I deal with actually being a 'Mother'.. is my relationship going to survive? I felt totally desperate and ended up phoning my boyfriend and telling him I was thinking of having a termination. He was lovely, we just talked and he said that it was entirely my decision.... I love the fact he doesn't try and pressure me into anything...

This morning I felt a bit better, but still 'sad'. and then I felt guilty for feeling sad and worried as surely everyone's happy when they find out they're pregnant? Especially if they've been trying for it to happen? My boyfriend picked me up at 09:00 and we went to Marks and Spencers to get some breakfast and to buy some clothes to Mexico as we're off on Thursday! In the Cafe I felt really, really teary and deliberately didn't walk through the baby section as we were walking there.... I ordered a 'smoked salmon and egg bloomer' and decided on some orange juice as I'd already had a cup of tea in the morning.. It was really nice, however it felt weird that the bread wasn't toasted.

After M&S, we headed down to Wiltshire to see my Dad - something I was feeling a bit anxious about after 'text-gate', however it actually went really well, far better than I expected. We went to a farm shop and then across the road to a pub which was lovely. For lunch I had a cheese ploughman's, however only ate one slice of the bread and half of the cheese as it was literally a massive chunk as big as my hand!Too much cheese and bread for me :-(

After lunch, we headed back home and my Dad drove us in his 4x4 to a place I used to go as a child and as it was a lovely day, it was really nice to just remember all the happy times that I used to have with my sisters, Granny and Aunt. All in all, it was a lovely day and spending 4 hours with my Father is the longest I've spent with him for ages.... He didn't say anything horrible, I didn't either... it was just nice.

My boyfriend and I are now at home (my house tonight) watching 'Last Night of the proms' and he's sat on the sofa whilst I'm blogging :-) For dinner we had more steak (I think that's enough red meat for a while) with spinach, home made cajun sweet potato chips and steamed carrots. It was absolutely lovely, but I struggled to eat the steak so gave 1/3rd of it to my boyfriend :-)

At the moment I'm feeling OK - I still have time to decide what to do and visiting the midwife on Thursday really helped. I also think my head is finally getting used to the idea, however the worries, anxieties and unhappiness haven't subsided, I'm trying to take one day at a time, but it's just very hard as that's not usually me.

On Monday night I'm seeing two of my sisters and I'm really looking forward to that - they're always very supportive and I know they'll help me to figure things out.

Pregnant and wanting an ELCS from the start

It's been 2 days since I found out I'm pregnant.

Even saying it is weird. After doing 2 tests and them coming back negative, I just thought that my period was late due to stress. When I took the 3rd test on Tuesday and saw 2 blue lines I burst into tears and shaking, called my Boyfriend at work. He was due to come home anyway for a conference call, so I drove round to his house at lunch time (as I was also working at home) burst into more tears, apologised for 'ruining his life' and 'trapping him' and was just totally freaking out.

I've not slept much in the last 2 days as I just keep going over things in my head - I've been getting very minor periody like cramps, but so far, that's it. According to the calculator, I'm 4w+5 which apparently is '4 weeks and 5 days' - Christ, already getting in with the lingo. The main worry was / is financial as I thought it would take MONTHS to get pregnant. After all, I've had Pelvic Inflammatory Disease twice, a very severe uterus infection... so to get 'first time lucky' is just a totally crazy thing to happen. As it stands, I won't be entitled to my company maternity pay, so that's not great, however since I found out, My boyfriend and I have decided I'll move in with him in the next 2 months and he'll continue to pay the rent / bills and I'll put all of the rent / bill money that I would have paid on my house, into a 'maternity pot'....

I know it's normal to be anxious, but due to being needlephobic / terrified of medical professionals and after witnessing my sisters horrendous, horrendous birth 2 years ago (First baby... 3rd degree tear... double prolapse... so much blood she fainted...) I just know I can't / won't go through that, so whilst at the Drs, discussing the fact I had a bald patch on my head, I burst into tears about being pregnant and said that I wanted an elective caesarean... and if I wasn't able to have one, I'd terminate.

I feel like the worst person in the world even saying that, but it's honestly how I feel - The potential of having to go through something like my sister (who has diagnosed PTSD and can't talk about her birth without crying 2 years on) is just not an option.. It's just not - I'd go through the next 8 months being petrified, upset and not enjoying any of it. 

The Dr was lovely and actually spoke to another Dr who said I should book an appointment with the midwife to discuss things. When I went to the Drs reception, they said they had an appointment for today! So in less than 4 hours after seeing the Dr and only being 4 weeks pregnant, I got a midwife appointment...  I went this afternoon (after saying to my work colleagues I had an emergency dentists appointment) and promptly burst into tears at the midwife - I said the same thing... I am petrified of medical professionals, terrified of needles and not being in control of my own body and just couldn't fathom going through with a vaginal birth.

She was so, so lovely. She phoned up a Consultant who said that usually, they don't consider it until 14 weeks pregnant, but as I would consider a termination, they advised the midwife to write a letter to the Head Consultant, outlining my feelings to try and get things done earlier. She also said she'd book me in as early as possible for a 'dating scan' and to take bloods and we could talk more then. She said that whilst she couldn't promise anything as it wasn't her place, there was a woman who had similar anxieties to me and whilst she had to be referred to a Consultant, she was granted an elective section.

We then talked about the blood test (apparently they take FOUR viles of blood) and she said I could have numbing cream beforehand and she'd hide the needles and I wouldn't have to look. She also said 'Let's look at your veins' and put the weird elastic strap on my arm and told me to pump my fist a few times.... She said she could see lots of veins, so I should be fine. This has made me feel so much better. She listened, she could see I was so upset and worried and she respected my wishes...  I asked if I could make sure I saw her again, and she said yes, so now I know there's a lovely, lovely midwife to see - this makes me so happy as I can 'plan' to see her and planning makes me less worried about stuff.

She told me to get a 'planning pack' from the reception - which they gave me and a urine sample pot... apparently you have to give a sample when you next see the midwife? I get to fill everything out which I am sure will be fun... 

So my midwife appointment (Dear God that sounds so weird) is on 8th October when I'll be 8 weeks. 4 weeks of, well.. not very much to happen. But that's OK, as I believe I could potentially get an elective section and be able to plan things, not worry as much and can maybe even enjoy the next 8 months.

So... Food!

Well, Since I found out, I've not really been hungry at all, but I'm trying to eat as much as possible. Yesterday at work I had some green yoghurt with granola for breakfast and it was delicious. I also had a banana and for lunch, we had a work lunch at 'Revolutions' (Yeah, it is a vodka bar but it also serves food at lunch time!) everyone else had a burger, but I had a 'green salad with lemon and garlic chicken' with mineral water. I've cut my caffeine right back to two cups of tea a day and am mostly off the Cherry Pepsi Max unless I really want one. 

Last night, my boyfriend and I did 'healthy fish and chips' again, which was lovely and today I've had some malt loaf, a handful of strawberries and a wholemeal pitta bread with grilled chicken and tomatoes for lunch. Tonight I'm having fish fingers and roasted sweet potato wedges.

Obviously with this news, I'm not going to necessarily achieve my goal of fitting into size 14 trousers by Christmas, but I can still achieve my goal of eating healthy. I'm going to try and ensure I don't go too crazy, but I want to nourish my body and not cram junk food in my gob.

I still don't feel 'happy', but then it's only been 2 days since I found out - that's no time at all. However the fact that I've had a very positive experience at my local medical practice today where everyone seemed to respect my wishes and help me, has made me feel a lot less worried.

Home made Fajitas

Bank Holiday Weekend Excitement!!!!

2 weeks down already in my new job and I'm loving it. Fridays seem to be so relaxed and as there are very few people in the office, it's really chilled and just... nice, really. My Team seem lovely (Not 'my' team.. just the people I work with, all of whom seem to be older and more experienced than me!) they're very inclusive and seem to just want to do a good job which is a massive breath of fresh air. 

Today started off well as I checked my bank balance and I've been paid my final salary from my old job and also 2 weeks from my new job. This is great as I was very broke last week... I spent way too much when I was gallivanting around the countryside on my month off. Breakfast today was slightly different - as I mentioned before, the bananas I bought yesterday are too green to eat yet, so I had some malt loaf and some prunes. It didn't look overly pleasant, however did taste a lot nicer than it looked. 

Work went pretty well - I've been getting on with quite a few things now and there's definitely enough to keep me busy, which I appreciate. I was actually quite shocked when I looked at the time and realised it was near lunch time. For lunch, I went with one of my team to the canteen and found out that he also does wedding photography (I used to do it... I don't any more) so we spent a good 30 minutes 'nerding out' about cameras... lenses etc. It was really nice to find common ground with him and the photos he's taken of his wife and kids are just absolutely lovely. I had another salad for lunch which was really quite filling - I think I chose pretty healthy.. chicken.. one boiled egg, only a small finger slice of cheese and a lot of chickpeas etc.. I'm not going to lie - I was quite jealous of my colleagues fish, curly fries and beans... but hey :-)

I left ever so slightly early today - 4:50pm.. and the difference 10 minutes made to my journey was amazing. I got back over 30 minutes earlier and am now in my jeans and T shirt, already chilling. Tonight's food will be home made Fajitas. I was going to buy one of those Fajitas kits, however I'm not keen on the salsa as it comes in a packet and isn't overly great, so I thought I'd make use of the peppers I already had in the fridge and the fact I have some Fajita spice I bought ages ago and never used. Added to the fact I already had some grated cheese in the fridge and really, I only had to buy some wraps (which can be used for other things, tomorrow), some chicken and some salsa and we're onto a winner!

I've not done it yet, however I will get cracking after I finish this blog. I've got quite a busy weekend planned - Tomorrow I've got my major hair appointment (where I get it chemically straightened) and then I'm seeing my gastric bypass friend. Sunday I'm off to London and Monday I think I'll try and find a really nice place to do a long walk which doesn't sound very busy, but knowing me, I'll find God knows how many things to fit in. My boyfriend is at a 3 day LAN gaming event in Milton Keynes so I won't be seeing him until Tuesday. I have to say, it's weird... we've been together a while but I don't think we've ever been as close or I've been so happy and content - I'm so excited about buying a house with him next year, getting Persian cats and of course, (potentially) having a family.

.. Which technically could happen this month, but I have to wait and see if Aunt Flo will pay me a visit...  :-)

A size 14 is for life, not just for Christmas

I know, I know.. it's only August and I said the 'C word'

However it's my goal to wear a pair of size 14 jeans (And that's a size 14 I buy in the shops at the time... not a size 14 that's in my wardrobe that I've stretched when being a size 16...) on Christmas day and despite my 3-4 weeks of unhealthy eating, I'm completely 'back on the wagon' and raring to go with a lot of motivation.... However different shops have a different take on what a size 14 is - So to be perfectly clear.. I'm aiming for a size 14 in Next.. All of my jeans and trousers are from Next and I like the fit. 

Christmas is only my first goal, but I think it's a good one as I don't think I can remember a Christmas where I was 1. A size 14... or 2. Happy with how I looked... Most Christmases, round about the beginning of December, I'm already eating loads of mince pies, drinking lots of mulled wine like it's going out of fashion and copious amounts of cheese - this is all very well and good, but it means that by Christmas day, I've already put on a lot of weight, if not gone up a dress size.... I really don't want this year to be the same.

So, with basically 4 months to go... (that's a THIRD of a year!) I should definitely be able to hit my goal if I stay motivated.. Anyone else feel like a challenge? 

Thing is, it needs to be a life change to be sustainable, right? so I'm trying to tackle the small things first.

Objectives for the next 4 months

1. Eat healthy but not obsess - If I want a bar of chocolate, I'll eat one, but on the whole, choose healthy options. 

2. Continue to blog even if I don't eat healthy - My main aim of this blog was to be honest, warts and all.. I'm not a saint and whilst I do have a lot of willpower, sometimes I will choose something unhealthy. I guess that's normal as I don't think it would be much of a fun life if I constantly deprived myself of chocolate / pizza / wine... Everything in moderation, right? Plus, I should be able to eat unhealthily sometimes.. and STILL lose weight.

3. I'm going to weigh myself once a month, starting with the 30th September - I don't want to weigh myself at the moment as I think I'm heavier than I was when I last weighed myself and don't want to get demotivated. I think by the end of September, I'll have lost that weight and hopefully more and it will help me track my progress for the next few months 

4. Find new and interesting healthy foods and recipes - I think this one is important and it's something I can do in my routine. I think it would be good to find new and healthy things to eat (like the different marinated chicken escalopes I recently found at Marks and Spencers) as eating the same things day in and day out gets really boring, really fast.

Today was certainly a day for new things as I ate yet another different chicken escalope - 'Piri piri' chcken with steamed vegetables and rosemary roasted potatoes. I'll be honest, I didn't think it was as nice as the chicken I ate with my boyfriend last night (coconut and lime leaf), however considering I don't really like spicy things, it wasn't spicy at all and was absolutely fine. Whilst I did buy bananas today when I went food shopping, they're actually too green to eat, so tomorrow's breakfast is malt loaf and prunes... A bit random perhaps, but I like prunes and also like the fact that since eating healthy... everything is just so... *ahem* regular... :-)

As I've said before. I'm nothing special.. I'm very normal (slightly insane, but hey) but I'm determined to become more healthy and the fact I've got 1/3rd of a year to really get into it and wake up on Christmas day actually feeling like I've achieved part of my overall goal would be great.... It's not rocket science and I'll just be taking one day at a time....

Healthy eating is helping me be busy, but happy!

I can't believe it's already Thursday

Looking back 3 months ago and I was dreading getting up each day when I knew I had to go into the office. I've not been in my new job for 2 weeks and I'm really excited about undertaking new things, learning stuff and basically working with nice people. Yesterday was a great day - Went into the office which was easy as the tube strike had been called off. 

One thing I did realise is that I've been charged something crazy like £16 a day to travel just in Zone 1 as I'm getting off the train and going through a barrier with my oyster card and then leaving after my journey.. it seems to think I'm 'touching out' of the station and then 'touching out' of the tube station but not touching in anywhere... I honestly didn't think I was that bad with certain technology, but maybe I am? Either way, it's cost me a fortune these last 2 weeks so I'm going to try a different route tomorrow and see if Oyster can work out what I'm doing!

Breakfast yesterday was a slice of malt loaf and a banana - I'd say it was the same as today, except I've run out of bananas! Lunch was a ready made Japanese 'Teryaki chicken' rice salad as my ex-management coach came to my office to say hello. He'd never heard of the company before but was looking for a dowdy building in the City... I think he was rather impressed when he saw a gleaming, glass skyscraper ;-) It was really lovely to see him and we caught up on what each other has been doing. He even gave me some more suggestions about how to further my career and what to do in my new company which is lovely, considering usually my ex-company had to pay him £££ an hour for this kind of support. 

My mid-afternoon snack was a packet of Sainsburys mango which I have always loved. I've tried a lot of different types of mango but this one is just brilliant - I swear they must lave it with cocaine or something as it's really sweet, but very easy to eat. I've been buying the 35g packets so I don't overeat as the 100g packets would be gone in one sitting, easily! 

After getting home last night I started cooking for myself and my boyfriend and it was another Marks and Spencers chicken dish - this time it was M& S lime leaf and coconut chicken escalopes which I served with rosemary roasted baby potatoes, steamed brocoli and carrots. It was absolutely gorgeous and I'd certainly try that chicken again - it wouldn't be out of place served with rice, to be honest.. although there's sauce, I don't think there's enough to make it a proper 'curry', but the flavours are lovely. 

My boyfriend had kindly picked up my antique bookcase that we tried to get in the car at the weekend but it was too big to fit in his Audi by 2cm... 2cm!! so annoying! So he borrowed his work van and very kindly picked it up for me. It's a rather large glass bookcase, but for £30, it's brilliant and will be perfect for storing DVD's out of the way so they don't get covered in dust. After we dropped the work van off and picked up his car, we decided to head to the pub for a quick drink. After my 1.5 weeks of healthy eating, I was keen not to get drunk and then get the munchies, but really fancied a nice glass of red wine - so thought 'Sod it'... I had the glass of wine... and I DIDN'T get any munchies whatsoever... My willpower is quite high at the moment.

Today I'm working from home and lunch will be a lovely baked sweet potato with beans. I need to go food shopping at some point today, however the company seems to have a lot of phone meetings over lunch time (very different culture to my old company) so might have to make it 'late night' shopping, instead! 

I'm really looking forward to the Bank Holiday weekend and also to finishing my 2nd week in my new job - Who knows what interesting (and healthy!) food, I can find in the canteen tomorrow? :-)

Easy healthy eating - Routine is everything

Still motivated.. still eating healthy

As it's Tuesday today, I was working from home and once again, slept really well. It's funny.. but healthy eating seems to affect my life in so many positive ways after only a few days - I sleep better, I feel better, even my 'movements' *ahem* are really regular and fine.... And of course, I'm losing weight (although I will be honest and say I haven't stepped onto the scales for 6 weeks, so don't know exactly what I weigh at the moment). However things are all great...

One thing that struck me is - When I was on garden leave, I was pretty much routine-less... I could go to bed when I wanted, get up when the mood took me - I was always out seeing friends, seeing family. it was great, however there was very little to no routine.. This meant that despite my good intentions, after the first week of my month long garden leave... I was really struggling to eat healthily and when it came to my holiday in Brighton, I decided 'Sod it, I'll eat what I want and restart when I start my new job' which I did - For the last 1.5 weeks, I've been doing so well and it's so easy - Why?

I think it's routine - It's just so easy as you don't need to think about it. Get up, have a shower, go to work.. eat breakfast.. work.. lunch.. work.. home.. dinner... sleep - Then repeat. It's kinda like a lovely computer program, where you do the same thing every day. Of course, you could see friends, rather than just go home.. but I love having structure, I love routine - It might not work for everyone, but it totally works for me. I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner at relatively the same time, I eat the same things for breakfast more often than not.. it's great. If it gets boring, then I'll make a change (Note I'm not eating porridge for breakfast at the moment!).

Breakfast for me today was a banana and some malt loaf, whilst lunch was something different - as I was working from home, I took advantage of the fact I had a working oven, so had a paprika turkey breast in a pita bread with a raw pepper and some hummus - it was absolutely delicious and very filling. After more work, I went to my counselling appointment as normal and today was quite intense - for some reason we spoke about the fact I hate being late for things, I find it really stressful - I feel it's as if you're saying to the person who you keep waiting 'My time is more important than yours' and I find it really rude...... However I worry way too much.. like, not just a little bit, but if I'm 2-3 minutes late, it's a real thing for me.

Another thing for me at the moment is the fact that my boyfriend and I are still not using any protection when we're 'having fun'... it's blowing my mind at the moment as I do want children with him and obviously that's how a baby is going to be made, but it's almost as if it's too scary to do - I'm 33, so hardly 'young', but I still think I am not a grown up, that I couldn't possibly be ready to be a Mother.. that if a test comes back positive, I'm going to totally freak out - however I imagine most women might think like that? Argh. Scary stuff....

Dinner was lovely - I made some minced beef wraps with salad and a sprinkling of mozzarella. I'm trying not to eat too much red meat, but I don't want to completely rule it out of my diet - everything in moderation, right? and now I'm sat on my sofa... watching Louis Theroux interview American Doctors regarding critical illness... it's not exactly a happy program, but interesting. It also hammers home the fact that I should be grateful for my health and I shouldn't take things for granted....That every day I eat healthy is basically an 'investment' into my wellbeing and the more weight I lose, the more healthy I will be (within reason.. I don't want to be underweight!).

Roll on Wednesday :-)

I'm not going to quit trying to be healthy

I've been away for a little while...

This last week has been pretty crazy. I finished my month of garden leave and yesterday was the first day of my new job - I now work in London... in 'the City' and going from a 10 minute commute to a 1.5 hour commute on trains and tubes is.. interesting. The last week of my garden leave, I ate and ate and ate... I just went a bit crazy, I guess...

Now I'm back in a routine, I don't want to stop trying to be healthy and need to accept responsibility for putting rubbish in my mouth. The scales probably show a horrific figure, but I'll step on them in my own time - at the moment, I'm going to take each day as it comes and as I'm not seeing friends / family each day, nor staying at home doing whatever I want, it will be easier to plan things.

So.. what did I eat yesterday? Well, as I can't really have porridge for breakfast any more, I grabbed a banana and a mini malt loaf as I could fit both in my handbag. That was kinda it until 5pm! Due to all the inductions and stuff, I just didn't get a chance for lunch and felt really, really faint. I did manage to grab a couple of cups of tea and a bottle of water, but I had a really bad headache when I left work. 

My Boyfriend has been just.. fantastic. As well as getting me a lovely good luck card, he dropped me off and picked me up from the station and cooked for me last night. What did I have? It was lovely - Pan fried cod with rainbow chard (it seems like it's spinach in disguise!), samphire and cabbage. No real carbs and quite light - I loved it, 

Looking back at my last month, I've eaten a lot of stuff.... I don't regret it per se, but now I'm sat here, on my sofa.. I'd love to be in baggy size 16 jeans instead of rather snug ones. But hey, that's life and how can I change that? By changing my eating today.. and tomorrow.. and the next day. I've got just under 1 month until I fly to Mexico and I'd like to eat healthy right up until I leave. I don't know how I'll feel when I'm in Mexico, but I won't think about that now.. I'll just focus on each day as it comes :-)

Today I'm working from home, I think this is one of the great things about this new job - I should be able to work from home 2 days a week (fingers crossed), so I *should* be able to have a good work / life balance and hopefully wear those size 14 jeans for Christmas like I want to.... :-)

Healthy eating and all the other goss

I love my life, it's great... It's just so crazy at times.

Since getting back from Brighton, I've been really busy. Entirely my own fault and I wouldn't change anything for the world, however I'm looking forward to completely chilling today and enjoying a romantic meal with my Boyfriend tonight. 

As this is going to be quite a long post (as I've got so much to fill in) I'm going to put things in different sections, so people don't have to be bored if they don't want to hear about my Drama Friend or my sisters Moron Husband and as my main reason for this Blog is my healthy eating.. that's what I'll focus on, first.

The last few days of food

Since I started my garden leave, I don't think I've coped overly well without having a routine. Doing things I don't usually do with friends and family have meant that I've eaten out more than I've ever eaten out in my life and despite choosing healthy options a lot of the time (I'm always opting for the chicken ramen at Wagamamas and found a lovely salad at Giraffe), I enjoyed my 'holiday' in Brighton and whilst I am happy that I exceeded my daily steps allowance every single day I was there (sometimes more than double!), I didn't make completely healthy choices and as such, am currently terrified at the thought of stepping on the scales - I don't think I've lost weight, but I don't know how much I've put on... 

After getting back from Brighton, I spent one day with my sister, watching her cry about her Husband (more on that, later) and we decided to do a small spot of shopping and went to lunch, which was Wagamamas - so I could easily make a healthy choice there. I then saw another friend in the evening and we had venison sausages (healthier than normal sausages) sweet potato chips and half a tin of beans - again... that was OK, but I don't feel it's what my body needs at the moment - it's quite carb heavy and I've definitely felt more lethargic recently.

Yesterday I drove to the dentists and for the first time in my life, I apparently have to have a filling. I had my bottom wisdom teeth out in January as the Dentist found a 'light grey' patch on my X-ray which suggested a cavity was forming, but she couldn't fill it, as my wisdom teeth were impacted - Like.. totally sideways. Now they've been removed, she can fill my tooth - However, it will involve an injection. I believe I've written about this before - I have a severe needlephobia, so whilst she offered to do the filling there and then, I couldn't do it... I'm now really worried and stressed as I know that very soon, I'm going to have to have an injection...

As I was at the dentist early yesterday, I didn't have any breakfast and then drove to see my Mother. We had a lovely day going to two different National Trust properties - Dyrham Park and Lacock Abbey and for lunch, we stopped at a local pub, where she had a cheese Ploughmans and I had sausages, mashed potato and peas - I thought that was slightly more healthy than massive wedges of cheese and as we didn't get there until 2:30 (when technically the pub stopped serving food) there were limited options available...

I drove back from seeing my Mother and drove straight into town to see my lovely ex work friend.. and went to Pizza Express... It's just food, more food and more food at the moment - or at least that's how it seems. This morning, I've had a cup of tea and poached eggs on toast and just don't feel like eating anything else for the rest of the day at the moment. I've only got 1 more week of garden leave before starting my new job on Monday 17th August... Whilst I've really enjoyed time off - resetting my head and spending loads of time with people, I'm actually looking forward to getting back into a routine so healthy eating is much, much easier. I think I totally underestimated how not having a routine would throw me... 

My drama Friend

I had a lovely time with my drama friend last Friday and as per usual, she has had more drama with men (which I believe is all of her making).. More drama has ensued since last Friday! Apparently.. my friend has come to a 'realisation' - That Pete, is totally wasting his new girlfriends time as he doesn't feel the 'butterflies' with his new relationship. I did suggest to her that she was totally over invested in Petes' relationship and if she was a true 'friend', then surely she'd support his decision? However she said that based on her conversations with Pete, she has decided that he's only dating his new girlfriend for someone to date, not because he sees a future and as she's been on the receiving end of this behaviour from guys before, she's really angry.

Despite pointing out to drama friend that she doesn't know how Pete feels and at the end of the day, she's not met his new girlfriend and that's the thing... it's NEW! It's hardly like they really know each other, so why not back off and let Pete date this lady? Sadly drama friend doesn't seem to be able to let this go.. so at the moment she is currently trying to find Pete's new girlfriend on Facebook, so she can send her the screenshotted messages between her and Pete and 'show her' that Pete's not that bothered. Honestly? If I got messages from a woman who claimed to be friends with a man I had just started dating, I'd probably walk away from the guy as it suggested he had crazy friends... but then, I'm friends with her, so I guess I can't say anything.

One good thing (or at least, I hope it is) Drama friend has continued counselling and despite her first session being just the normal 'setting the scene', this week has apparently been more productive and she's started opening up more about how men have hurt her in her life (her parents splitting up and her Dad being a bit of an arse) so fingers crossed she will actually realise that her behaviour isn't normal or healthy and stop being ever so slightly crazy...

My Idiot Brother in law

I hate him so, so much. Honestly he's such a total and utter moron and sadly my sister is married to him. I saw my sister on Wednesday and after she'd been in my house for 5 minutes, she broke down into tears and told me that she's really unhappy.

Unfortunately, her Husband is being worse than useless at the moment. He doesn't do any of the cleaning or washing and whilst he does cook and loads the dishwasher (big deal...) he spends little to no time with his daughter and is an incredibly selfish man in regards to his 'time off'. He went back to the Drs a few weeks ago with depression and said that he was unhappy because he didn't feel he had any time to himself.... Er hello? They've got a 2 year old daughter!!!! My sister feels under immense pressure, feels unhappy.. yet doesn't moan about it.

I appreciate that may sound harsh - However despite being 'depressed', her Husband goes out to the pub... he still has 'band practice' and when he agrees to go to a childrens birthday party, a couple of hours before they're due to leave, he starts to whine 'Oh.. I've got a headache...' so my sister goes with their daughter and comes home a few hours later to find that her Husband has been watching TV and not doing any chores around the house - when challenged she gets the response 'For Gods sake, I can't get any time to myself... stop nagging'.

She does 100% of the bedtimes.. she does 100% of the mornings with their daughter...Apparently her Husband doesn't want to have sex with her and doesn't appreciate anything. It's very hard to appreciate his point of view when you've got one of your sisters crying on your sofa, saying she can't hold everything together. I guess one good thing is, the house and mortgage are only in her name (as she paid 100% of the deposit as he's a feckless Twat with money) so if / when she does kick him out... she can legally change the locks and actually - I think she'll find it easier, not harder... However I guess that's her decision.

What can you do when someone you love is unhappy apart from be there for them? It's hard though...  One thing she did admit - If she did meet someone who was lovely and showed her attention, she'd certainly consider leaving her Husband.. How can you go back from that?

This weekend...

This weekend I've got very little planned for tomorrow and Sunday I'm seeing some of my old Uni friends who I don't see very often at all. We tend to live 50 miles from each other in a line... with me being in the middle. Despite me being in the middle, I seem to always be driving to one of their houses... So friend in the South will drive to me.. and I'll drive us to London friend.. Or London friend will drive to me, and I'll drive us both to friend in the South. I believe it's been nearly a year since they both drove to me! I am quite quiet when it comes to saying something, however I've got a little pissed off about the fact that it's not really equal, so actually said 'I think it's actually my turn to host both of you, so I'm suggesting you come to me now...'

They both agreed, however one friend said 'So where we are going on Sunday?' (I believe, in the vain hope that I'll suggest we go to hers...) I very quickly said 'You're both coming to see ME!' They're nice people.... I just think I've been a bit soft at times.

I think on Saturday I'm going to do my 'chores'... Bathroom cleaning, grass cutting... I think it's probably a good idea to get it all done before I start my new job and just keep on top of things in general.... I also think I might actually go to another National Trust property and continue reading 'Wifework', although that book is really, really depressing when you read the statistics in regards to how much domestic work married women do, compared to married men..