I've been looking forward to this all day

Sleeping in until 8:30am is usually unheard of for me

However I definitely needed it and felt a lot better for sleeping for a long time (although I still woke up to go to the toilet during the night!). Today has been incredibly productive, both in work and in my personal life which always makes me feel happy as I like feeling like I've achieved something.

Breakfast was another Soreen malt loaf breakfast bar and at 11:00am I had a banana - Rock and Roll! I didn't know what I wanted for lunch, however when I drove to Tescos, I had a big craving for scrambled eggs on toast, so that's what I went for - with a little ketchup on the top, it was lovely! I then managed to phone up the Bank and sort out another savings account (so I can start saving money as I won't be entitled to maternity pay from my company) and then phoned up the storage company and confirmed a storage Unit from 1st November onwards... The boxes I ordered from eBay turned up shortly after that, so I was happily packing things up, in preparation for moving in with my Boyfriend.

Work wasn't too bad either, considering I was working from home - I had quite a few phone conferences, however they all went fine and I managed to crack on with a few things which was good. 

Then came the meeting I'd been looking forward to for the last 3 weeks - seeing my counsellor. I didn't mention 3 weeks ago, however I turned up to my regular appointment and she wasn't there - it totally and utterly threw me and I was very upset, whilst the logical explanation was that she got the dates I was on holiday mixed up, I couldn't help thinking that maybe she didn't like the fact I said I wasn't happy being pregnant and had decided not to see me any more, or, God forbid.. something had happened to her. 

Nope, it was just the fact she had got the dates mixed up, but I was really upset as wanted to talk to her about the Midwifes appointment and how I was feeling. As I then went on holiday, I hadn't seen her for 3 weeks and it was really good to talk about everything - About how I feel, how scared I am, how worried I am about losing control of my body, putting on weight, things changing - It's just terrifying really. 

Having someone who doesn't judge you, who listens and doesn't tell you how you should feel is really good - especially at the moment. She seemed to understand I was scared and petrified about the thought of a vaginal birth and said that she could understand why I didn't feel I could go through with it. She also said that maybe it would get worse, before it gets better, but it will get better at some point. I'd certainly like to think so - It's not going to be 9 months of feeling like this, surely?

She also said that it's a shock... I started off this year dreading my wisdom teeth removal.. got over that.. had a great job I enjoyed, then I started getting bullied at work... then I changed jobs... and now, 9 months later, I find myself just under 2 months pregnant. Life never stays still, does it? If I took today on its own, I'd be like 'Yeaaah, this is fine, I can do this for 7 months' as I've not been feeling too sick or tired, however I'm just waiting for my mood to flip and feel like crap again.... 

One thing that did make me happy today was my dinner - A baked sweet potato with lots of beans and coleslaw - EPIC DINNER! I don't know why, but I've been looking forward to this all day and it was absolutely perfect, I managed to eat quite a lot of it and not feel sick at all :-) 

Tomorrow night I'm seeing my drama friend which should be nice as I've not seen her for a while actually. Not sure what we'll do in regards for dinner, but I'm sure it will be something nice :-)

It's done... over.... finished.

No matter how much you control things, it never quite works out how you plan

Breakfast: Oats so simple Golden Syrup Porridge Pot with blueberries

Lunch: Wholemeal pita bread with houmous, handful of tomatoes and raw pepper

Dinner: Wagamama's chicken ramen

Snack: No snacks today :-)

After 'Red wine-gate' on Sunday night, yesterday night was much more normal and after dinner I didn't drink anything, meaning that I didn't get the munchies :-) I slept pretty well and certainly didn't want to get up this morning, which I can only think is a good thing. Despite thinking today would be just as dull as yesterday, my friend, the HR Contractor was in (she works at our company 1 day a week) so we were talking about all the office politics and what had been going on in the last few weeks as she'd been on holiday so we'd missed each other for a while.

Coming back to my desk, I got an email from my Boss, offering me an additional notice period with garden leave after I've handed stuff over, but saying he'd expect me to be around for meetings if needed. Cunning... very cunning...Whilst this might seem like a good thing, my new job starts in 6 weeks time and when I get my P45, my end date can't be later than my start date at the new company. I wasn't expecting that as a suggestion, but I guess I'm not a sociopath, so don't think of all these things :-) Either way, my main aim is to leave and look to the future, not be bitter, so I printed off, signed and emailed him my resignation, suggesting we discuss my notice period tomorrow.

So that's it.... It's done. I've resigned after 5 years, 4 months. Wow. It's a shame as I really loved the company and some of the people are amazing. Unfortunately the last 6 months have been really unhappy and whilst I am sad and if I'm honest, a little bit scared - I'm also really happy that I've taken the plunge. I'm also REALLY proud of myself that for the last 2 months, I've been healthy eating and have been taking care of myself. All of a sudden, my life looks quite different, but hopefully really good - More challenges, less politics and best of all, I get a break between jobs :-)

I had 'the conversation' with my amazing work colleague / friend and she took it really well - I was dreading telling her as she and the HR Consultant are the only people in the company who I will genuinely miss. Despite her being all lovely and supportive, I still feel guilty about leaving her, I know she'll be OK as she's awesome - I just hope none of the politics lands on her, now that I'm leaving.

Lunch was 'the usual' and the afternoon dragged again. I did manage to make myself mildly useful by replying to a few emails and also training my lovely colleague in something, but that was about it. Lovely work colleague is currently trying a new detox regime - She was only going to drink water for 10 days but said she had such little energy, she didn't think it was a good idea to continue, so she was only going to eat millet for 10 days, however after 3 days, she cracked and had some Oreos in the kitchen (Did you know they were vegan? I didn't until she told me....) It's funny, as I wouldn't have thought either of those diets were a good idea, however she is really, really slim and has a really amazing body - so compared to myself, I don't really think it's fair to judge :-)

Tonight I spoke to my Counsellor and as she was on holiday last week so it's been two weeks since I saw her. Sometimes, I feel as if we chat for an hour and nothing happens - Other times I feel there's a 'Eureka!' moment and I know why I do certain behaviours or react in a certain way to things. Tonight was quite productive as we were talking about my eating and why I react really defensively when someone comments about what I'm eating - I feel as if it's almost an attack on my person. 

If someone says 'You can't eat that, you're on a diet', I'll eat 5 of whatever it is, just to prove a point. Thinking back, I think it started when I was a child and my Father would say to me 'Do you think you need to eat so much?' I was a growing child! Looking back at photos, I wasn't even overweight when I was 9!

After I saw my Counsellor, I decided I'd grab something from Wagamamas so I didn't have to cook at home. Once again my brain kicked into 'Well, you resigned today so you can treat yourself', but no, I don't want to do that as that's another danger and I shouldn't need to reward myself with food. So despite being rather hungry and wanting to order loads of things, I went with the most healthy option which is still really nice - A chicken ramen. No sides, nor any puddings and guess what? I was rather full after eating it, anyway :-)

When I got home, a letter was waiting for me from my crazy Uncle and Aunt - That's a story and a half and if I wrote it here, it would be way too long! Needless to say, they still both seem absolutely crackers and still seem to believe all kinds of conspiracy theories, however I'm glad they have each other and still seem to be keeping each other company. 

Tomorrow night I'm seeing one of my friends and I believe we're going out for dinner as she's not said otherwise. I don't mind per se, but it's harder to keep track of what I'm putting in my body if I don't cook it myself and to be honest, after Wagamamas tonight, I'd be quite happy cooking an omelette or something at home, however it will be nice to see her :-)