Your child eats what you eat

5,4,3,2,1 - Let's fly!

Today hasn't been too bad at all. Despite the second day of the conference being rather boring and most, if not all of us delegates declared it as a 'steaming pile of dog turd', I'm feeling quite positive as my counsellor replied to my email, apologising and saying she thought I was on holiday this week, not next week. It's really hammered home to me how much I depend on talking to her at the moment, especially at the moment, with everything going on in my head. 

As usual, my Boyfriend was amazing and just let me cry last night when I was upset, however it's nice to be able to say what I feel, without the worry of being judged or run the risk of saying something that affects my relationship. 

I'm getting more 'OK' about being pregnant as it's now been 8 days since I found out. I'm also thinking that this is my pregnancy, not anyone elses - therefore if I don't want it to be all sunshine and flowers and 'happy' stuff, then I don't have to feel like that. As long as I do the best I can and also don't force myself to do things I'm not happy about doing (like a vaginal birth), then sod anyone else judging me. One thing that I did see today was this advert which basically seems to be saying that you could harm your baby if you've got a poor diet.

It made me really anxious and in some ways quite trapped - after all, what if I fancy a burger in a couple of days? What if I fancy drinking a can of diet coke every so often? I can appreciate if you only ate junk food then there may be vitamin and mineral deficiencies, but every so often? Hrmmm... 

However, as I am really paranoid and anxious about what I'm eating at the moment so seeing adverts like that aren't really helping. 

Today I had a slice of malt loaf for breakfast and as I was still at the conference, I had 3 mini sandwiches and some crisps for lunch. We had 2 coffee breaks and whilst I steered clear of the coffee / tea, I did munch on a biscuit on each break. Thankfully I was able to leave by 4:00pm, so I got back just after 5 and set to work on packing my suitcase and sorting things out for my holiday to Mexico tomorrow. I also started on dinner as tonight my Boyfriend has come round, ready to watch The Great British Bake Off! Tonight we had a marinated BBQ chicken breast with rosemary roasted potatoes and a LOT of veg. It looks a lot of food, but I think I tend to eat my main meal in the evening as it gives me 'something to look forward to' throughout the day.

It was rather nice, however as I was steaming the veg, the broccoli was rather 'al dente' as I totally forgot that the veg at the top of the steamer doesn't cook as quickly! Ah well, no harm done :-)

I'm flying to Mexico tomorrow and whilst I'm going to try and relax, I want to still write some blog post as I think it's helpful for me to think about how my mood is doing and also, what I'm eating. 

Stay tuned for a lot of weird Mexican food in the next 10 days! :-)

Remembering bad times

When you feel like you're stuck and can't see a way out?

Today has been a little better than yesterday and I’m wondering if it’s my hormones? My period had just finished and considering I’m usually pretty happy when the sun is out combined with the fact I’m eating much healthier than usual, it was odd that I felt, well, ‘odd’ yesterday.

Talking to my counsellor yesterday, we touched on my last job and how unhappy I was as an I.T. Consultant, living and working away from home for 5 days a week (Sunday to Thursday). This was when I was at my heaviest – 19 stone and a size 22/24. I remember it well and also remember driving home , buying 1 -2 bottles of wine a night and some incredibly unhealthy food including BBQ racks of ribs, massive bars of chocolate, chips, pizza, full fat chocolate milkshakes, before eating it all on my own and feeling so unhappy and alone. It was a really dark time for me and I just couldn’t see any way to end the cycle.

1. I was unhappy, so I’d turn to food for comfort.
2. After eating so much I felt sick, I’d feel guilty for eating so much
3. I’d wake up in the morning (usually with a headache after drinking so much wine) and feel really lethargic and unhappy, so would have a croissant or a bacon sandwich for breakfast to cheer myself up.
4. I’d feel unhappy at work as I wasn’t really recognised for my achievements and felt so self conscious as everyone else was a ‘normal size’
5. I’d leave work feeling unhappy and…  Repeat first step.

My boyfriend tried to help me, however I didn’t tell him how I was genuinely feeling and ended up pushing him out completely. I think he was frustrated at the lack of communication but also because he couldn’t ‘fix’ my unhappiness (not that I’d have let him, I was, and still am, incredibly stubborn!). So after driving 3 hours to see me during the week for over 2 years (he worked shifts so had 4 days off at a time) and then 3 hours back the next morning, he realised he couldn’t cope, so ended it with me….

… We got back together a year later after a year of total no contact and even today I don’t blame him for that. Looking back, I was in a total, total pit of despair and an incredibly self destructive cycle – I utterly hated how I looked, I hated my job and didn’t tell my friends, nor my family, nor my boyfriend how unhappy I felt. Food was a comfort to me, it didn’t judge me and I felt good when eating it….

Despite the fact that my work at the moment is a lot worse than it was 7 years ago, I’m determined not to allow the same cycle to happen again. I am a lot more open with my friends and family and I’ve received nothing but support and kindness – from one of my lovely friends bringing me flowers, to another sending me a random postcard through the post, to others sending more frequent emails… and even my lovely sisters making time to text / email and phone me. I’ve also tried to be much more open with my boyfriend, which is hard sometimes as he really does love ‘fixing’ stuff and with me being so headstrong, I don’t want to be given advice on how to ‘fix’ things, just for him to listen and give me cuddles (which he does in abundance and also tells me I’m awesome, which is really nice and welcome).

So how have I managed to stop myself from getting into the same self-destructive cycle? Why am I not on a crash course to 19 stone again, filled with BBQ ribs and copious amounts of chocolate?

      That’s not what my body needs at the moment – I’m going through a massively tough time at work and my body and brain need to be in the best working condition that they can be. Filling my body with rubbish is not going to help me in any way, shape or form.

• It wasn’t a solution – What does eating loads of unhealthy food get me? How does that help me with my current battles in life?

• I’m not alone – I’ve been much more open with my friends, family and boyfriend about my feelings and they’ve been really supportive. I’m human and it’s usually me who supports people. Learning to ask for help has been incredibly tough, but saying ‘I’m upset, can you talk / email / meet me for a coffee?’ has been met with lots of ‘Yes! Of course’.

• I want to be able to love my body – I’ve (hopefully) got another 60+ years on this earth and I don’t want to spend all of that time hating myself or being unhappy when I look in the mirror. I want to change my body image and eating unhealthy things is not going to help that

• I’m trying to not feel guilty when I eat unhealthy things – This is a massive one and I’m still working on it. There’s been so much guilt and judgement around eating food my entire life and I know I’m not there yet, however if I do make an unhealthy choice, I’m trying to not beat myself up about it – after all, tomorrow is another day.

This morning, I had a lovely pot of porridge for breakfast and lunch was the same as yesterday – houmous, pepper, tomatoes and pita bread. My friend and I walked into town just to get out the office and despite it not being as sunny as yesterday, it was still a lovely day. Despite my Boss being in the office AGAIN, I’m coping quite well and am looking forward to going to the cinema tonight and not thinking about work :-) Not sure what I’ll eat – I might grab some sushi from somewhere, but will try and ensure it’s heathy, whatever it is.