Soup-er Tuesday

It's been a crazy few days

The weekend just gone was lovely, but a little stressful. My boyfriends parents came down from Northumberland and as they are lovely people, it was lovely to see them. As my Boyfriend and I don't live together, they obviously stayed with him, so I joined them on days out, but was happy to have my own space during the night :-) 

On Saturday, we went to the 'Hamble Food Festival' which was lovely. It wasn't very big, but thankfully the weather was nice and we milled around there for 30 minutes before sitting down in a cafe and watching the sea. Unfortunately, food festivals are not really known for their healthy food, so after eating kippers for breakfast, I didn't grab anything from the food festival as wasn't really feeling the pies, quiches or massive sausages in a bun - not that they didn't look appetising, they looked lovely! Lunch time came really quickly so my Boyfriend suggested we go to the Royal Navy Submarine Museum in Gosport as we were quite close. 

We headed down there and my Boyfriend kindly did a 'pit stop' at a local co-op so I could grab some lunch. I can't say it was the most exciting lunch in the world - a low fat ham and salad sandwich and some low fat 'popped' crisps - especially compared to all the nice things he and his parents were eating at the food festival, but hey... willpower and all that :-)

The Submarine museum was a lot more interesting than I thought it would be and we actually got to go on HMS alliance which was really quite fun. The conditions were pretty cramped and I have to say, I don't think I'd really want to be on a submarine, at the bottom of the sea for days on end without natural sunlight - and the idea of having to evacuate by shooting yourself out the 'escape hatch', sounds terrifying. We spent a good couple of hours there, before having another cup of tea and heading back home.

Saturday night, we went to Loch Fyne - a lovely fish restaurant and this is where it kinda went down hill for me a bit - after being really healthy all day, I did the STUPID thing of weighing myself - I mean, I'm pre menstrual (at least, I hope I am.. I've 5 days late, but have done 2 pregnancy tests and both are currently negative), and I decide to hop on the scales after I've had breakfast and lunch.... 95Kg... so I've put on 4Kg after my 4 weeks of gardening leave and eating utter rubbish. I was actually feeling really positive about myself and how I looked, but seeing that number on the scales ~(as if it matters) made me feel utterly crap.

So I decided to eat 3 courses... Urgh. I had chilli squid tempura.. Sea Food pasta and then a chocolate trio for desert - and 1/3rd of a bottle of red wine. It was lovely, but I was too full and even as I was eating it, I was thinking 'You're doing it to yourself again, you're sabotaging yourself'.

Sunday, I started off OK - We went to the Bourne Mill antiques center and had breakfast. I was going to eat more kippers, but unfortunately after defrosting them, they were off, so instead, I had 2 slices of toast and marmalade, when everyone else had a sausage sandwich or scrambled eggs and smoked salmon.... We walked around the antiques centre for ages and for once, I didn't actually buy anything (unlike my Boyfriends parents who are also into antiques and bought stuff). We then headed to a local farmers market (to find things for the BBQ we had decided to do) and then back home. 

By 2:30pm I was starving and we were at a pub... The pub we went to didn't do sandwiches, so the best I could find was 'chilli chips' which were served in a bowl - Hardly the most healthy things, but I didn't want a massive burger or plate of food as we were going to do a BBQ later.  As the weather was utterly beautiful, my Boyfriend fired up the BBQ and we sat out in his garden, chatting - it was lovely, so was the food and after 2 sausages, 1 venison burger, a few strips of BBQ chicken and 1 lamb chop, I called it a day... I didn't want to stuff myself stupid with food like I had on Saturday night. Unfortunately, his Mother had bought lots of M&S mini chocolate bites and flapjacks, and when she offered them to me, I didn't say no...

So yesterday, I went to work feeling a bit 'blurgh'.. my period was 4 days late, I was panicking, I felt fat after my weekend, even though I'd been feeling really good about myself and the trousers that my friend had given me fitted really well, as opposed to before when I put them on and they were tight....  My food intake yesterday was 'OK', I had some malt loaf for breakfast and for lunch, I had a pretty healthy salad from the canteen - only a medium size and not too much coleslaw, just chicken, one boiled egg, some chickpeas, butterbeans etc... No dressing at all. As I was seeing my lovely vegan friend last night, I had to quickly think of something to get her, so in the end, I bought us some spiced McCain potato wedges, some pita breads and some hummus and chucked the chips in the oven as soon as I got back home.

So yeah, not overly bad at all, really.. but I need to really sort my head out, as I really don't want to go back to where I was a few weeks ago, especially as I've managed to turn things around and get back on the healthy eating wagon with some much 'ooopmh'. I went food shopping this morning and not only bought more pregnancy tests (honestly, I'm freaking out here...) but some Covent Garden Lentil and Bacon soup for lunch and will eat some for lunch, some for dinner with a crusty roll. 

Despite it being nearly 10;00am... I thought I'd blog first, then eat breakfast, so I am now going to grab a cup of tea and some malt loaf and grapes and crack on with work...

Never forget the positives

When things are stressful..... Keep on going.

I think most people are relieved that it’s Friday, however I’m so relieved it’s untrue.

Sitting at work, feeling like a leper each day is really getting to me and whilst I know I should think ‘Every day you’re paying me is one day closer to buying a house with my boyfriend’ and  ‘At least I have a job’, it’s so hard to actually pretend you’re happy when you hate every minute of it. In the last 5 years, I’ve always been so busy I’ve never noticed the time, I’ve never thought ‘Only 2 more hours until I’m at home’, yet at the moment I’m glancing at the clock every 10 minutes and calculating how long it is until I can leave for the day.

However, I know that this will change and I need to hold onto that fact. Rather than writing another 3 paragraphs about how awful work is, I won’t. I want to remind myself of what’s good in my life and why I’m not the incompetent, horrible person that I’m feeling people are thinking I am, at work.

1. I’ve got amazing friends – My friends have been amazing. They’ve sent me postcards, they’ve sent me texts, they’ve sent me funny Facebook messages and are all really supportive. I feel a lot less alone than I would if I was going through this on my own.

2. I’ve got amazing sisters – My sisters are all brilliant. I spoke to one of them yesterday on the phone and she said it was a shame I failed the interview on Wednesday, however ‘it’s all good practice and you’ll find something soon’

3. I’ve got the worlds best Boyfriend – Well, I think I do :-) He’s been absolutely fantastic in listening to me and saying I’m awesome. It’s really nice to hear someone telling you that you’re a good person and that you do a good job at work.

4. I’ve got an awesome CV – I’m only 33 and I’ve got a LOT of experience in my area.

5. I’ve got 1 face to face interview confirmed, another face to face interview to be scheduled and I’ve just had a phone call from another recruiter about another job – This is all really positive!

6. My healthy eating is going really well – Despite all of the stuff that’s going on in my life, I’m still managing to eat healthily. This is the first time I’ve EVER done this in my entire life.

7. I’ve got a great weekend planned with my boyfriend and my friend – we’re off to an antiques auction and then I’ve got a really fun day out planned with my friend and I’m looking forward to catching up with her.

8.I’m in good health – After my wisdom tooth operation in January, I’ve not really had any aches or pains as such. Once my job issues are sorted, life should be a lot better and I won’t have anything to worry about.

I know there are many more reasons, but those are the main ones for me at the moment. Additionally, throughout all the crap, my lovely vegan work friend is being amazing as per usual and no matter how much stress I get, she’s always there to go to lunch with and make a cup of tea with me, which I really appreciate.

So far my eating today has been pretty normal – Porridge for breakfast and I brought the other half of the pot of houmous in from home, as well as another pepper, pita bread and tomatoes. Tonight, my lovely work friend and I are going to a mutual friends house (she also used to work with us) and will hopefully sit out in her garden and have a couple of hours of catching up and ‘goss’. Apparently our mutual friend has brought chips as well as other vegan food, which is really kind of her, however when I read the sentence ‘I’ve also bought chips’ in a message, I started to panic a little bit. Not eaten since lunch time? Hungry by 6pm? Nice hot chips being offered to me? MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF WILLPOWER REQUIRED.

I have decided to be a bit smart and at lunch time, lovely work friend and I headed out into the sunshine and whilst she bought lunch and some nibbles for tonight, I decided I’d buy a ‘raw brownie’ to eat at 3pm, so I shouldn’t be too hungry by the time we reach our friends house and therefore I shouldn’t overeat as I’m really hungry. After getting food, we went and sat out in the local park which was really, really nice – not only because we weren’t in the office, but the sun was shining, the flowers looked beautiful and all my work issues seemed so small in comparison to ‘the rest of the world’. Having eaten the brownie, I have to say, it was ‘OK’, but nowhere near as good as the Bakewell Tart nakd bars, so I still remain a convert :-)

Thankfully the afternoon hasn’t gone too badly today and with less than 1.5 hours to go, I’m going to head off to a meeting  and hope it lasts for ages so I can walk out into the glorious sunshine and enjoy a couple of really awesome days.

Stress, Anxiety and Healthy Eating

Stress is one way to lessen your hunger - Not sure if that's a good thing, though..

Apparently stress and nutrition are strongly linked - Someone with a healthy, balanced diet is allegedly supposed to be far less stressed than someone who shoves all manner of junk into their gob.

Unfortunately, despite eating healthily for a month, that doesn’t seem to stop me being incredibly stressed when it comes to work and no amount of healthy eating seems to change that, which is not good from either a mental perspective, nor a physical one.

Mondays are doubly painful for me at the moment. Not only are they the start of the week, but they’re also the day that my Boss and I have a scheduled ‘catch up’ meeting which is in our diaries for just after lunch. After glancing at his calendar, there are a number of private appointments in it (which is unusual) and a number of meetings booked with the person who I believe, he is lining up to take over my role. This sent my paranoia into complete overdrive and at once I was imagining being homeless, being out of work for months, my meeting with my Boss being one of terror – him telling me I’m awful and giving me lots of grief.

I think I react to stress in a ‘normal’ way, although I do believe I’ve got massively high anxiety levels in general. When stressed, my stomach constricts, I feel sick and if it’s really bad, I tend to visit the toilet on more than one occasion – When stressed, I’m not hungry at all and apparently that could be because my stomach produces excess stomach acid, which tricks my body into believing it’s fuller than it actually is and the chemicals that tell my brain I’m hungry, aren’t able to reach it.

Additionally, Serotonin (a neurotransmitter that regulates mood) apparently plays a role in both anxiety and the feeling of hunger. Since people with anxiety can sometimes have a serotonin balance issue, it's possible that this is one of the reasons that I don't get hungry when experiencing high anxiety.

Dreading my meeting with my Boss, I walked into town at 12:00 and bought some lunch. I was going to go for a low fat sandwich, however remembered my June goals, one of which is ‘Try and eat less processed food’ so I opted for my default lunch of tomatoes, pepper, pitta bread and hoummous (I’m going to think of something else to eat next week, as I’ll get bored of it pretty quickly). It was lovely going into town – I think you forget that the place you work is not ‘the world’, that it’s actually such a small part of the world, but to you, it’s massive. It’s like that for me, at any rate – After being at the company for over 5 years, it’s really sad to think that I’m not going to be there any longer, that I won’t see the nice people I work with every day and that the Manager I trusted and worked alongside, is making decisions that affect me, without consulting me.

I usually eat lunch as soon as I get back to the office – after all, I had 30 minutes until my meeting. However, I just didn’t feel hungry at all. Despite only eating porridge with Blueberries for Breakfast at 8:00am, I couldn’t feel even the smallest pangs of hunger, so I decided to wait until after my meeting.

I went in…. and 45 minutes later, I came out. Massively relieved that the worry I had was not realised this week – My Boss didn’t have a go at me, he didn’t moan or admonish me, there was even praise and a Thank-you for something I had picked up. Like so many things in life, what was in my head was 100 times worse than what had happened in the meeting. Do I think my paranoia is unfounded? Sadly not, however maybe the time I have left in the company won’t be as dire as I’m believing it to be.

It was as if someone had flicked a switch, my anxiety and stress lessened and

my stomach started rumbling really loudly, so I finally settled down to lunch at 14:00. It hit the spot and I now feel a lot more energised and happy that I’ll be able to get through this week without being asked to leave. It’s hardly a state I can remain in for long, however I’m hoping I can find a fantastic new opportunity before too long.

Tonight, I’m going spinning – My other June goal is to ‘go to the gym once a week’ will be achieved if I go every Monday, which works for me in regards to my busy social life. After not going for over 3 months, I’m a little apprehensive about going, but there’s no substance to that – I mean, what am I apprehensive about? Just a change in my routine I guess, and the sooner I get back into the gym, the better I’ll feel and the better I’ll be able to cope with stress. NO EXCUSES!