A very chilled Friday night with good news

I am really glad it's Friday

It's been quite a stressful week in some ways - although still nowhere near as stressful as it's been in the last few months. I guess the 'big' news is, that I don't seem to be pregnant which I'm incredibly relieved about this month. As I said before, my Boyfriend and I are of the 'If it happens, it happens' mindset - However if it had happened this month, I wouldn't have been eligible for enhanced maternity at work... and as that's 90% of your salary for 3 months... that would have been a real issue. Not the end of the world, but it will make things a lot easier now. My period is still late, but I think that's just due to the fact I started my new job a few weeks ago, so I think that threw things out a bit.

In terms of healthy eating - today I have mostly been eating... Japanese! I had a banana and malt loaf for breakfast, followed by a salmon donburi for lunch - I went to a new Japanese place for lunch with one of my colleagues and it was really nice. I opted for their 'brown rice and lentils' donburi for £0.50 more, and it was incredibly yummy. 

After work, I took a trip to Picadilly circus to grab more sushi from the Japan Centre and not only got a chicken teryaki don, but also got 3 inari pockets (tofu pockets with rice) but a raspberry and chocolate mochi, which is kinda like a raspberry rice ball, with chocolate inside of it - it's quite small (you can eat it in 2 bites), but incredibly nice.

As I took a detour after work, I didn't actually get back until 7pm and I was really tired - travelling on an extra 3 tubes after work really takes it out of you and I guess I'm still not really used to commuting on the tube in London, at rush hour - especially on a Friday!

I'm now on my sofa, snuggled up in my PJ's and massive bath robe with my slippers on and feeling quite chilled and relaxed. My Boyfriend's parents are now down and they've all gone out for dinner (which I was thoughtfully invited to) however as I had sushi and am rather tired, I'll just see them tomorrow instead.

After I blogged last night, I decided I'd try some of the suit trousers on that my friend gave me a few weeks ago as they were too big for her - I thought they'd be too tight for me, and indeed a couple were - however one suit fits PERFECTLY, I'm actually really surprised but happy that one looks fantastic, so I now have a new grey and white striped suit to wear for work... I recall it being slightly tight when I tried it on at my friends house so that suggests I've lost weight? Urgh.. I want to weigh myself but I will try to resist - especially as I'm probably only 1-2 days off having my period, the worst time to weigh yourself, ever!

It really does seem to be getting colder now, so I think for the rest of the evening I'm going to put some candles on, and snuggle into my bath robe even more and start the count down to my holiday to Mexico! Less than 2 weeks to go :-)

Tossed?

And so the end of the first week at my new job beckons

.. and I don't think I could have asked it to have gone better than it did! I can't believe that only a few months ago, I was so unhappy and now I've got the rest of my life to do whatever I want without the worry and stress of working with horrible people.

As today was Friday, I was in London and I was surprised at how quiet both the train and the tube were - Loads of people seem to work from home on Friday so it was pretty peaceful getting into work and I got a seat on both the train and the tube! I also managed to do over 5,000 steps today, which isn't bad considering!.

Breakfast was a banana and a slice of malt loaf and for lunch, I decided to go out and wander around my work building and see what was there. I managed to find a place called Tossed which claimed to be 'A healthy eating place' and basically, it's like a buritto place, however rather than getting a custom made burrito, you get a custom made salad, instead! I was slightly scared at going up and ordering as I didn't exactly know what was going on so decided to buy a ready made on instead, however it was really nice so I definitely think I'll be going back there again at some point soon. One of the nice things about the ready made salads was - All the calorie, fat and saturated fat content of each salad was on the label so it was very easy to see what you would be putting in your body.

I managed to say hello to my new Boss today who is out and about on a very regular basis. He seemed to be happy with my progress and said as much - He also asked me to undertake some other objectives so I wasn't just sat at my desk learning stuff, I was actually being productive, which was nice.

After the train journey back home, I cooked a really nice dinner of pan fried salmon, rosemary roasted potatoes and loads and loads of veg. I'm finding sticking loads of veg on my plate is a really good way of filling myself up but doing it with 'good things'. So whilst it might not look overly posh or win any Masterchef contest, it tasted really nice.

Tomorrow I've got a really fun day planned and I'll be out and about with a friend for most of it. There will be a lot of stalls selling food and drink and if it was 2 weeks ago, I'd no doubt be stuffing God knows how much unhealthy food in my mouth... However not tomorrow. I plan to do a quick trip to Marks and Spencers before I go, so I've got enough water and food to last me a good 8-10 hours so I can continue my healthy eating :-)

HAPPY FRIDAY!

Start of a new adventure

Goodbye work

Breakfast: Half a punnet of strawberries and a handful of grapes

Lunch: Raw pepper, tomatoes, cucumber and 1/2 pot of houmous

Dinner: Venison burgers, parmentier potatoes with red cabbage

Snacks: No snacks today

That's it. I've left my company. I've gone. 

Despite not telling many people or making an announcement, the people who did know, have been so amazing - I got cards, presents... it means so much to me as they're people I genuinely like and respect and going in this morning, my last day in the office after 5+ years was harder than I thought it would be. My Boss had sent me an invite for a 'Final Handover' at lunch time, so I used the morning to delete anything I don't want 'the woman' to read in my emails (as I think she'll be given access to my emails next week) and sent my last ever email to my lovely work friend, saying that she's amazing, that I knew we could be friends even though I managed her and if she ever needs anything - to let me know. It's not the end of our friendship - I'm seeing her on Monday night to watch 'Judge Geordie', but she won't be 'lovely work friend' any more.

Breakfast was just some strawberries and grapes - not the most filling of things and not something I'd eat on a routine basis, however after pizza last night I just felt like I wanted something quite light. After getting to work, I went to Starbucks with another friend - Before we moved offices, we had a Starbucks really close to us and we always used to go on a Friday, which became 'Starbucks Friday'. As it was my last day today, we did a final 'Starbucks Friday', something we'd not done in over a year since we moved office locations. He's another lovely, lovely work colleague and I hope I can stay in touch with him as well - he's currently trying to buy a house with his Wife and has been telling me all the frustrations they've been having. I've been taking notes, as it's something I want to do with my boyfriend in the next year :-)

My handover meeting happened.... and that was that, I locked my laptop / phone / encrypted USB stick in my locker and put the locker key on my desk and just walked out.... I did feel really sad, but it's the right decision. I then went to Marks and Spencers as I was starving and due to feeling a bit 'weird', went for 'the usual', so much more clean eating... raw pepper, tomatoes.. etc. I also decided to pick up food for tonight, as my plan is to spend the rest of the day inside, getting my head together and then focussing on an amazing weekend ahead - A really short, but hopefully romantic break with my Boyfriend - Who still doesn't know where we're going :-)

I'll freeze the other burgers but will probably throw the rest of the potatoes away and eat all the cabbage - I'm certainly going to try and cook things from scratch as much as possible, however I'm not going to worry about this tonight... I'm just going to chill :-)

At the moment, I'm watching 'My big fat Gypsy holiday', before watching the latest episode of 'Tattoo Fixers' so as you can tell, it's an exciting afternoon planned! I'll be going to bed relatively early as I've got a hair appointment tomorrow at the hair dressers and then... we'll be setting off to a really nice place about 3.5 hours away. Despite a 'mini holiday', I'm going to try my best to make healthy choices but not get obsessed about things.....

First July weigh in - More weight lost

Not only is it Friday, but I weigh less than I did a week ago

I’m aware that my weight loss blog is more of an Eastenders plot line at times than a healthy food blog, however I’ve noticed I tend to gravitate towards drama, preferring to be on the outskirts than have it in my life as a focal point. I think that’s why I like watching trashy TV such as ‘Geordie Shore’ and ‘The Valleys’ and all the incredibly factual and interesting Channel 5 documentaries, that obviously deal with profound social issues, e.g. ‘The woman who married the Eifel Tower’ in a caring and socially responsible manner (Take the last sentence with a very heavy dose of sarcasm!).  Tonight will be no different as I’m going to see my Drama friend, who will no doubt tell me about her latest man problem as well as how’s she getting on at her new job.

Despite my future being more secure, I didn’t sleep very well last night and I assume that’s because I knew I was in the office today, trying to find things to do for 8 hours. How people can deal with no being busy is beyond me, it seems like the most soul destroying thing ever, more so if you haven’t slept very well! Since I got the job offer my desire to step on the scales has subsided – almost as if I don’t need to control that aspect of my life as tightly as other parts of my life aren’t as chaotic as before. Nevertheless, I thought I’d step on the scales today and see what they said – Before I did, I had an internal dialogue with myself.

Your period was due yesterday, it’s not here yet which suggests you’ll still be more bloated and are retaining more water than usual

'What if I am? It’s not a big deal'

What will you do if you don’t see the number you want? Are you going to be upset?

'No, I won’t.. If the number isn’t what I want, I don’t care, I’ll carry on regardless.'

I think that’s the right attitude and one I’m still fighting – the ‘I’ll carry on regardless’ attitude as my body isn’t 100% predictable and this isn’t a diet, it’s a lifestyle change.

Crikey, that’s rather spiffing. I’m well happy with that! So, I’ve now gone from 99.9K to 91.0Kg which takes my total weight lost to 8.9Kg or 19.6lbs or… 1 stone and 5.6 lbs :-) That’s despite ‘red wine gate’ which proves once again, I need to try and relax my anxiety around binge eating and if it happens, accept it and just continue to make healthy choices the next day, and the day after that – It won’t undo all my hard work and it’s not the end of the world if I eat something unhealthy. I even had a pizza on Wednesday and a hot chocolate – and I’m still losing weight, so I definitely need to continue to try and sort my thinking out and not be too hard on myself.

So far today, work hasn’t been too bad as there doesn’t seem to be that many people in, which is good. A lot of the Senior people don’t seem to be around, so I’ve been left to my own devices and don’t have to appear busy or pretend that I’m actually doing work… At lunch time, my lovely work friend and I decided that rather than visit ASDA, we’d go even more crazy and try the nearest Co-op instead (Rock and Roll) so we headed out at midday and explored what healthy (and in her case, vegan) things we could find at the Co-op.

Well, my lovely friend was happy as they had her vegan 'Tuti Fruiti' doughnuts, so she grabbed some of them whilst I had a look at what I could find that was healthy. I have to say, I wasn't overly enthused with the healthy options when it came to lunch time. Out of all the sandwiches and wraps, there was a 'Beef burrito' wrap that seemed OK on the calorie and fat numbers, however it was tiny. Apart from that, I could have had a prawn mayonnaise sandwich, but, well.. I'm not overly keen on mayonnaise. 

Rather than default to my usual lunch time food and run to the houmous pots, I decided I'd go 'low carb' for a change and bought some meat and eggs. Unlike the other supermarkets - rather than just buy boiled eggs, the Co-op offered me two boiled eggs with some mustard mayonnaise on the side. Can't say I'm overly keen on that, but hey.. I didn't have to eat it :-)

Would I buy that again? If I had to shop at the Co-op, then maybe. I think the problem is, I don't usually shop at these shops, so knowing what they sell and being able to choose something quickly is much harder as I don't know what's healthy for me 'Off the top of my head'. I can't say I'd want to eat meat and boiled eggs every day, however - It's not the most healthy thing in the world and I actually prefer the idea of getting vitamins into my body - hence the raw pepper, the cucumber and tomato choices which I eat with houmous.

I'm blogging now as I don't know what I'm going to eat with my Drama Friend tonight. I don't know if we're going out or she's cooking, or what's happening - I'll update tomorrow with my food choices, however wherever we go, I'll do my best to make my choice a healthy and tasty one!

Never forget the positives

When things are stressful..... Keep on going.

I think most people are relieved that it’s Friday, however I’m so relieved it’s untrue.

Sitting at work, feeling like a leper each day is really getting to me and whilst I know I should think ‘Every day you’re paying me is one day closer to buying a house with my boyfriend’ and  ‘At least I have a job’, it’s so hard to actually pretend you’re happy when you hate every minute of it. In the last 5 years, I’ve always been so busy I’ve never noticed the time, I’ve never thought ‘Only 2 more hours until I’m at home’, yet at the moment I’m glancing at the clock every 10 minutes and calculating how long it is until I can leave for the day.

However, I know that this will change and I need to hold onto that fact. Rather than writing another 3 paragraphs about how awful work is, I won’t. I want to remind myself of what’s good in my life and why I’m not the incompetent, horrible person that I’m feeling people are thinking I am, at work.

1. I’ve got amazing friends – My friends have been amazing. They’ve sent me postcards, they’ve sent me texts, they’ve sent me funny Facebook messages and are all really supportive. I feel a lot less alone than I would if I was going through this on my own.

2. I’ve got amazing sisters – My sisters are all brilliant. I spoke to one of them yesterday on the phone and she said it was a shame I failed the interview on Wednesday, however ‘it’s all good practice and you’ll find something soon’

3. I’ve got the worlds best Boyfriend – Well, I think I do :-) He’s been absolutely fantastic in listening to me and saying I’m awesome. It’s really nice to hear someone telling you that you’re a good person and that you do a good job at work.

4. I’ve got an awesome CV – I’m only 33 and I’ve got a LOT of experience in my area.

5. I’ve got 1 face to face interview confirmed, another face to face interview to be scheduled and I’ve just had a phone call from another recruiter about another job – This is all really positive!

6. My healthy eating is going really well – Despite all of the stuff that’s going on in my life, I’m still managing to eat healthily. This is the first time I’ve EVER done this in my entire life.

7. I’ve got a great weekend planned with my boyfriend and my friend – we’re off to an antiques auction and then I’ve got a really fun day out planned with my friend and I’m looking forward to catching up with her.

8.I’m in good health – After my wisdom tooth operation in January, I’ve not really had any aches or pains as such. Once my job issues are sorted, life should be a lot better and I won’t have anything to worry about.

I know there are many more reasons, but those are the main ones for me at the moment. Additionally, throughout all the crap, my lovely vegan work friend is being amazing as per usual and no matter how much stress I get, she’s always there to go to lunch with and make a cup of tea with me, which I really appreciate.

So far my eating today has been pretty normal – Porridge for breakfast and I brought the other half of the pot of houmous in from home, as well as another pepper, pita bread and tomatoes. Tonight, my lovely work friend and I are going to a mutual friends house (she also used to work with us) and will hopefully sit out in her garden and have a couple of hours of catching up and ‘goss’. Apparently our mutual friend has brought chips as well as other vegan food, which is really kind of her, however when I read the sentence ‘I’ve also bought chips’ in a message, I started to panic a little bit. Not eaten since lunch time? Hungry by 6pm? Nice hot chips being offered to me? MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF WILLPOWER REQUIRED.

I have decided to be a bit smart and at lunch time, lovely work friend and I headed out into the sunshine and whilst she bought lunch and some nibbles for tonight, I decided I’d buy a ‘raw brownie’ to eat at 3pm, so I shouldn’t be too hungry by the time we reach our friends house and therefore I shouldn’t overeat as I’m really hungry. After getting food, we went and sat out in the local park which was really, really nice – not only because we weren’t in the office, but the sun was shining, the flowers looked beautiful and all my work issues seemed so small in comparison to ‘the rest of the world’. Having eaten the brownie, I have to say, it was ‘OK’, but nowhere near as good as the Bakewell Tart nakd bars, so I still remain a convert :-)

Thankfully the afternoon hasn’t gone too badly today and with less than 1.5 hours to go, I’m going to head off to a meeting  and hope it lasts for ages so I can walk out into the glorious sunshine and enjoy a couple of really awesome days.

Take.. THAT!

Yesterday was the first day since I started this blog that I didn't post anything

I thought that might be the case as I was completely non stop and didn't actually get back home until after midnight :-) 

My morning started off really well as I had a telephone interview at 08:00 so I decided to eat my breakfast (porridge) at home and chat to the interviewer on the phone before heading into work. I somehow seemed to have nailed the interview as he said 'I know you need to go soon, but I'm really enjoying our chat' and affirmed on the phone he'd like to take it forward to meet me face to face. I felt really happy as it was more 'evidence', I guess, that I'm not as useless as I'm currently feeling at work and once again, it was as if more doors were opening with a big green 'exit' sign on them, showing me that there are ways out of being unhappy.

Not getting into work until 9:00am was weird, as I'm usually at my desk at 7:45, however the morning went quickly and at lunch time my friend and I went for a walk to the post office and then grabbed some food on the way back. I have to say, I'm a little disappointed with myself for my choices. They're hardly the worst things to put in your body, however I didn't plan beforehand and didn't feel it was as unprocessed as I'd like it to be. 

The afternoon went quite quickly as well as despite my Boss being in again - I managed to mostly avoid him which was good. Seeing him every single day this week has been so mentally tough as I've had to put on such a 'mask' and pretend I'm happy / motivated etc, when looking at his diary he seems to have booked another 6 hour shagathon important work meeting with my female colleague to discuss another one of my business areas. However, I have a feeling this may all come to a head soon as I have my annual appraisal next Tuesday, so watch this space, I guess....

I left work early and walked to the train station as I was going to see... TAKE THAT! at the O2 in London with my boyfriend. Here's the thing, despite being incredibly stubborn and very obstinate, I seem to be incredibly susceptible to marketing - Usually when it involves the use of cute animals trying to sell something (I'm so proud of myself for not buying hundreds of packets of McVities biscuits after watching the cute kittens come out of the packet) however after Christmas, I was on my sofa, alone, drinking wine and an advert for Take That comes on and I think 'Cool, I've seen them twice before and they were good, so let's go again' - Texted my boyfriend and he said 'sure', and so here we are...

We got to London easily enough and I ran to the 'usual' sushi place to pick up my dinner whilst he went to Marks and Spencers and got an awful lot of meat (as he's now in full-swing low carb diet mode). Once dinner was acquired, we headed to North Greenwich and sat in the sun eating our respective dinners. I think I bought a tad too much dinner, however in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't too bad - 4 salmon nigiri, 4 tamago (egg) nigiri, one salmon rice triangle, one prawn tempura wrap and a custard pancake. I think the custard pancake made me go from comfortable to 'full', which is a feeling I'm trying to avoid as much as possible.

Queuing up and getting into the O2, I didn't remember the seats being so small - I know I'm overweight, but wow - these were SMALL. We got there before the doors opened, so were sitting down for a good hour before Ella Henderson came on. I didn't know who she was at first, however after a couple of her more famous songs including Ghost which I have to admit, I rather like - the crowd really seemed to perk up and get more excited. 

Then it was time for Take That - They were good, but having seen them twice in Wembley when they had 4 and 5 members of their band, seeing only 3 of them on stage felt a little sad and I don't think it had as much 'wow' factor in it. We were sat near the end of a row and the women to my left KEPT getting up and wanting to get drinks / go to the toilet and it was driving me crazy as we obviously had to stand up too, to let them out. My back started to really hurt half way through and the tiny, uncomfortable seats didn't do much to appease it, sadly.

It was a good night and I don't regret paying the ticket price, however my boyfriend agreed that the other two shows he had been to, were better. I'd still go and see them again, however if they were in the O2, I think it would actually be better if we bought standing tickets!

After the first encore, we did a very quick march back to the tube, back to the station and then back home on the train. We got back home just after midnight and I fell in bed (well, delicately placed myself in bed, to try to avoid injuring my back any further :-)) and I woke up this morning at 8:30. 

I'm still in bed, with a nice cup of tea, listening to the birds tweet in the trees and am looking forward to not only eating my kipper for breakfast (one of the '5 for £5' ones I bought at the BBC Good Food Show last weekend) but also seeing two of my friends this weekend for a well overdue catch up. As one of my friends isn't arriving until 1pm, I am going to have a fantastically lazy morning, doing a few chores, food shopping but most of all, enjoying the fact I'm not at work :-)

Protein pots are taking over the world

Oh my Goodness, 4 hours of driving to get home

I'm so tired! There were massive delays on all the roads I was driving on, and as I use my phone for Sat-Nav, I was petrified the battery was going to run out and I was going to be lost. Thankfully, I made it home with 7% to spare, but 4 hours of non-stop driving and bad period pains are not a fun thing at all.

Apart from the drive home, it's not been a bad day. I can't say my hotel was great as it was an odd time share, thus there wasn't a main building but loads of 'lodges' which meant there wasn't a main car park either. Having got back at 11:00pm last night and finding the main car park full, I decided to lovingly dump my car under a tree, on a grassy verge and hope that it wouldn't get clamped or the hotel get annoyed with me. Turns out, nothing happened to it - apart from a loving 'deposit' from a local bird as I realised this morning that I'd parked it under a rather large tree....

After waking up, I discovered that I had started my period (well done body, bang on time this month) and as I suffer quite bad cramps, would need to take some Ibruprofen in a couple of hours. I didn't want to take it on a (very) empty stomach, so decided to investigate the hotels breakfast offerings before heading off to the company event again. 

I used to be so self conscious, the thought of eating breakfast on my own in a strange restaurant would have scared me enough to go hungry, however as I used to be a Consultant, I got used to eating alone quite quickly so I just brought my phone with me so I could browse the Internet and got settled at a table after asking for a nice cup of tea. 

Despite not eating much yesterday, I didn't want to go crazy, nor start the day thinking 'I can eat more as there is a deficit of calories at the moment', so decided I'd go for a cooked breakfast, but moderate what I ate - therefore filling me up but not going crazy. Looking at my plate, I have to say, I'm quite chuffed that once again, I'm not making bad choices - I cut the fat off the bacon and chose a fried, rather than scrambled egg as I didn't know if they scrambled egg had been mixed with anything - butter, or cheese, for example. I also had some orange juice, but was careful only to have a small glass as I know that there are 'hidden' calories in juice and whilst it's healthy, it also contains a hell of a lot of fruit sugar.

I also didn't feel guilty - You don't usually equate 'cooked breakfast' with 'healthy' and I'm sure I could be even more healthy by eating fruit etc, but I want to be realistic and not deprive myself of everything - Plus, I was impressed I stayed away from the pastries section :-)

After a lovely breakfast, I checked out of the hotel, picked up my non-clamped car and headed off to the nearest Superstore to buy some supplies for two of my colleagues who are organising the event. In Berkshire, you don't really get such large Co-Op's, it's usually either Tescos, Sainsburys or ASDA that take up that space, however this was literally the biggest Co-Op I had ever seen and it was so clean, so tidy and everything was perfectly arranged on shelves... 

As well as buying copious amounts of orange juice and Mountain Dew for them, I picked myself up some lunch in the form of a protein pot - It had half an egg, some hot smoked salmon and some red quinoa in a vinaigerette - It's as if everyone is now doing these protein pots! I bought one from Marks and Spencers last week that contained eggs and spinach and it was the first time I had seen them, but they now seem to be taking over the world.

Despite everyone else eating burgers, hotdogs and all kinds of other things, I was quite happy with my find in the Co-Op, especially as I still had a full punnet of strawberries left from yesterday and a Bakewell Tart nakd bar in my handbag... Almost sounds like a proper meal :-)

After getting home from the nightmare journey, I discovered that amongst other tasty treats, Riverford had delivered me some really nice new potatoes, greens and carrots, so I roasted some potatoes with rosemary and steamed a couple of carrots and some greens. Thankfully, I had one Quorn mozzarella and pesto escalope left and as such, I didn't need to go out food shopping which I was so happy about, considering the last 4 hours :-)

Unfortunately, my hair appointment has been cancelled tomorrow due to the hair stylist being ill, so whilst that's a shame, I can't deny I'm looking forward to a massive lie in, a nice cup of tea and eating some kippers that I bought with my boyfriend in Northumberland - Maybe I can revisit our holiday, if only from the food I eat!

The world doesn't revolve around me

When I made the decision to change my lifestyle, I didn't announce it to anyone

In the past, I've always been honest about what I'm up to in regards to my diets. If people ask, I tell them, if I don't want to eat a specific food, I'd say why, 'I'm on a diet', or 'I'm cutting out carbs / fat / calories' etc. However, as I'm at least 4-5 stone overweight, it's obvious that I've not been able to succeed in losing weight and subsequently, being more healthy and more importantly, I've not been able to keep my weight constant. 

Because I'm now dedicated to changing my lifestyle and this not being a short or even mid-term fix, I've not announced it to anyone. There are no Facebook updates about what I'm eating, no count down tickers on forums that I'm on saying '7 lbs lost, 56 to go!' and my friends don't get a running commentary about my trials and tribulations with the scales, nor a a text message saying 'OMG, just fitted into my size 14 jeans' 

Basically, I'm not doing this for anyone else, but myself and as such. I don't see the need to tell anyone as the world doesn't revolve around me. The only person I've spoken to about my change is my boyfriend and that's only because he's the man I love and who supports me in anything I do.

Why should other people go out of their way to appease or support me? Why should I affect their lives or decisions because I'm trying to eat more healthy? It's my choice, noone elses...

Tonight, I went for a meal to a lovely pub with my boyfriend and his parents. I was happy to go wherever they (or he) wanted to go. I had no preference and I said as such, however my Boyfriend was saying 'Well, anywhere that's healthy' and when his Mother suggested a place and I said that sounded great, he said 'Why don't you check the menu to see if there's something on there you can eat?' I felt really, really uncomfortable - as if I was trying to cause problems when all I said was 'I have no preference and I don't mind wherever we go' 

We got to the pub and it was really nice - Despite there being lots of amazing food on the menu, I had enough willpower to decline the starter, stick to diet coke, rather than drinking alcohol and order the 'baked cod fillet with grilled asparagus and creamed potatoes' which seemed like the most healthy thing on the menu. I felt good about my choice, ate slowly and finished with eating a lot of vegetables.

Everything was going really well until the waitress gave us the pudding menu. On there was a 'chocolate brownie' which sounded amazing, however, as I was genuinely feeling full and I didn't need any more food, I listened to my body and said I was going to pass on desert.

My boyfriends Mother said she fancied a lemon cake with custard, but wasn't sure she could eat the entire thing. My boyfriend then replied 'Well, Imogen will have a bite, calories don't count if they're from someone else's plate' - I literally felt my stomach tighten - I hadn't said anything about healthy eating, nor made any kind of fuss, and it felt as if my Boyfriend was trying to deliberately draw a light on the fact I wasn't eating things. Also, I don't need to be told I'm going to eat other people's food?

Unfortunately, the evening then hit a bit of a downer as I just clammed up (my usual reaction to when I'm upset) partly, as I was actually trying hard not to cry and partly, because I didn't want my boyfriend to say anything else about my healthy eating, or not trying to eat deserts etc... I don't know if his parents noticed, but the next 40 minutes was really hard, as all I wanted to do was ask him 'Why do you feel the need to make these comments and draw attention on my eating habits?' 

After we got back to his parents, we had a chat - he apologised and said he didn't realise I hadn't told anyone. I know he didn't mean it and I know I shouldn't ignore him, however it's a self defence mechanism - I also said I didn't feel comfortable saying something in front of his parents, We never usually fall out, so when we do, it upsets both of us.

I think he (hopefully) understands that I don't want people to know - they knew all the times before and I failed.. The weight came back on and nothing changed. This time is different - It might take longer, it might not be a smooth journey, but I want to make proper life changes, keep the weight off and be more healthy.

Northumberland - Day 2

Mission Accomplished

The most important thing I wanted to do when in Northumberland was go on a boat trip and try and take more photographs of grey seals and Puffins. Despite all the boat trips being fully booked up yesterday, we booked tickets for early this morning and headed out on the sea at 10:00am. My boyfriends' Mother had once again given me a box of fruit, however today she had (thankfully) toned it down so it only consisted of some strawberries and two small apricots which I decided I'd eat them for lunch later.

Unfortunately the weather wasn't nearly as nice and as we paid for the tickets we were warned 'We might not be able to get to the island due to the swell of the sea'. I never knew that when it was a bit choppy it was called 'swell', so that was my new knowledge for the day! As we headed out on the boat, I was rather shocked at how rough the sea actually was and it wasn't long before we were going up...and down.. and up, quite vigorously. I'll be the first to admit, I'm not a rollercoaster person - the most scary thing I'll go on is the teacups ride, so I can't say it was a fun experience. Thankfully seeing the grey seals stopped my mind focussing on the rough sea and despite being at the back of all the people, I think I still managed to get some really nice photographs.

I think the grey seals are so used to people, none of them batted an eyelid and a few even swam near the boat as if to say 'Oi, you lot.. what are you up to, then?' It was lovely seeing them in their natural habitat and even nicer knowing that they're not affected by people in a negative way. 

Before long, we were heading towards the Farne Islands and Staple Island and everyone on the boat was on the lookout for Puffins - Northumberlands favourite bird. We didn't have to wait too long until we started seeing the comical looking sea parrots, flapping their little wings as fast as possible to ensure their stumpy little bodies stayed in the air. I've seen Puffins at the Farne Islands before and I was amazed at how small they actually are. You think they'd be a fair size, but they're much smaller than you'd imagine and even this time - when I knew this, I was still amazed at how small they were.

Unfortunately the captain told us that the sea was still too rough for us to embark onto Staple island which was disappointing as I knew I'd be able to get far better photographs of the Puffins when on stable land and not on a very shaky boat - still, these things happen so I tried to make the most of the situation presented and took some shots of the little birds standing on top of the rocks. 

As we headed back to the mainland, the talk turned to 'What shall we eat for lunch?'. As we were at Seahouses the most obvious choice was traditional fish and chips, however I really didn't want to eat battered fish, let alone chips. My boyfriend, as supportive as ever, was happy to eat whatever I suggested, so I suggested we focus on the fish van near to the dock which sold amazing hot smoked salmon, prawns, lobster tables and crab.  Soon after we got back to land, we headed to the fish van and it wasn't long before I was eating a pot of smoked salmon and a tub of prawns. Despite there not being much volume to either pot, I was decidedly full before eating all of the salmon so gave a little to my boyfriend and hand-fed the last piece to a rather cheeky (and large) seagull that seemed to be edging closer and closer to us as we happily munched on our lunch.

Once finished, we started our drive to Mellerstain House in Scotland - where we'd arranged to meet my boyfriends' parents after lunch. I happily munched on my fruit in the car and was happy that the strawberries had warmed up as they were in the fridge all night long and were rather chilly!  It was just over an hours drive away from where we were so not too far at all. Half way up, I spied my favourite word on a small wooden sign on the edge of the road 'Antiques' :-) It would be rude not to go and see what was being sold, wouldn't it?

We actually visited two antiques shops on the way up and I managed to find something in both of them - I've been looking for antique mirrors so I was rather chuffed we managed to find 2 really nice ones for our house that we haven't bought yet (and probably won't for another 6-9 months) however it pays to be proactive!

After getting to Mellerstain House, we met my bofyriends' parents and spent a really enjoyable hour walking around the house, admiring both the antiques and the architecture before heading outside to look at the beautiful landscaped garden. The sun was finally shinning and the house and gardens looked really beautiful - I think the lack of people also added to the beauty, there were literally about 10 cars in the car park so it was almost as if we had exclusive access to this amazing place. 

Once we'd exhausted ourselves walking around, we grabbed a quick cup of tea in the cafe (I managed to steer clear of the cakes) and started the drive back to Northumberland, which is where I am now. Tonight the plan is to go out to a restaurant with my boyfriends' parents which should be nice and relaxing as I think it's a restaurant which is quite close to their house.

Willpower will be required, however I'm hoping I can remain mindful about what I'm eating and not go crazy :-)

Hairy Bikers healthy chilli

Hurrah! No more work for two days...

Today wasn't too bad - The interest from recruiters has increased and I've got one interview booked! I'm just so paranoid at the moment... sitting next to my Boss, wondering if the way he said 'Good Afternoon' is because he's annoyed with me, wondering if the reason he has 4 'private' appointments in his diary next week is because he's interviewing people to take over part of my role, wondering if he's having a long meeting (with the woman who I believe he's sleeping with) to discuss how useless I am and how she can take over various things. It's hard going in day after day, but you do as you're an adult and you have bills to pay - However life is too short to be unhappy.

One of the things that really, really annoys me is when people moan about stuff but don't do anything about it - I've never been like that. Work is upsetting me and it's gone from being something I love, to something I feel sick about every morning, so I'm going to do something about it and find another job. It's the same with my weight - it's not where I want it to be, so rather than moaning about it and shoving another Mars Bar in my mouth, I'm doing my best to change things in my life so it stops being an issue.

Anyway, no work for 2 days so I'm going to park the moaning and focus on the fact that my eBay things came today :-)

I'm a bit of an eBay addict and I like buying clothes and jewellery - clothes especially as when I'm losing weight, I don't want to spend ££££ on things that will (hopefully) be too big for me in a few months time. So when I won this lovely Dorothy Perkins top for just over £5, I was rather chuffed - the same with the Kit Heath earrings for £12 as I love simple, small things. Both are pretty awesome and I'm currently writing this Blog, wearing my lovely new top (it was washed before it was sent!) and feeling smug that it fits well, looks really, really nice and as I'm sitting here, typing this on my laptop... my tummy doesn't look like it's protruding as much as it did a few weeks ago.

Is this my imagination? Or is this another positive thing to note about my weight loss journey? I guess the scales on Sunday will provide an indication as to whether that could be the case or not!

After getting home, I had yet another lovely delivery - my monthly Healthy Good Food Magazine! I get 2 magazines a month: BBC Good Food Magazine and the Healthy Good Food one. I like both, as I am a total foodie and the HGF magazine focusses on healthy recipes so I usually find one or two new ones to try a month. This really keeps my motivated as I love trying new things. I find it quite boring to always have the same thing (apart from my breakfast porridge... for some reason, I'm happy eating that for weeks on end at the moment)

So, I got changed into my new top... and set out to make dinner for my friend and I, before settling down to read my magazine before she arrived.

HGF Magazine isn't too bad this month - There's an interesting article in it about 'wrong turns on your weight loss journey' which details 8 things you might do which aren't necessarily going to help you:

1. Choosing food and drink labelled 'no added sugar' (it could be high in sugar so you should find thigns that are less than 5g per 100g or 2.5ml per 100ml)
2. Cutting out fat (some fats are good for you!)
3. Snacking on rice cakes (choose things that enhance your diet)
4. Thinking 'raw' means healthy (be selective about what 'raw' products you eat, they're not all good)
5. Falling for the latest food fad (sustainable weight loss differs from person to person, find what works for YOU!)
6. Blending and juicing everything (Juicing is fine, but only counts as 1 of our 5 a day)
7. Choosing to go dairy free (dairy products are an important part of a healthy diet, despite what the media say)
8. Denying yourself all treats (Eat treats mindfully, but don't deny yourself everything)

Makes sense I think? :-)

Dinner was the Hairy Bikers recipe for Chilli Salad Bowl, however as I had run out of wraps (and I find them quite tricky to do, anyway) I made it with rice and salad. Here's a thing - I made a concious effort not to do as much rice as I was going to allocate at least a third of the plate to salad. Once I'd poured the rice into the saucepan, I saw on the side that I'd actually already poured THREE recommended portions into the saucepan. Wow.. yet more evidence that I really do need to watch my portion sizes - I think that's the thing, when you overeat for years, it's so hard to know what a 'portion' is.... Back into the packet you go, you evil rice! :-)

A very rainy Friday

TFI Friday!

I hope everyone is looking forward to the weekend as much as me - Having checked the weather forecast I'm not entirely sure that it's going to be beach or picnic weather, however I can still hope!

This morning I didn't have to get up as early as the last 2 days, so jumped out of bed, did the usual bathroom ablutions and then had the hard task of working out what to wear. When I was thinner, I used to take more pride in what I wore to the point, I'd pick it out the night before (complete with accessories) and then in the morning I didn't need to engage my brain until much later. The last few months, I've not done this as I don't feel as positive about myself - therefore it's more of a 'Meh, whatever, that will do', which is not how I like to be.

Additionally, my type of clothes has changed - I currently live in my Marks and Spencers Waterfall cardigans as they're floaty and hide any lumps and bumps I have. Whereas when I was thinner, I'd be fine in just a fitted shirt, or a tighter jumper as I felt good when I looked in the mirror.

Today, we have a hybrid look. Due to being blessed / cursed (depends on your viewpoint) in the chest department, having a 36 GG chest means I find it hard to buy shirts and tops that fit, so I tend to buy my things from Pepperberry and this has been a total blessing. I got both my black shirt and cardigan from Pepperberry and they're both size 16SC (which stands for Super Curvy in pepperberry terms). Jeans are from Next and they're a size 18 - I'm having to wear a belt and they're pretty lose, however they're smarter than most of the denim I own, so for the moment, they'll do.

I'm lucky, as I can wear what I want to work, jeans.. T-shirts... however due to my position, I do try and keep it slightly formal, so tend to go towards shirts, rather than tops and dark jeans, rather than ripped jeans or ones that have patterns on them. As bad as it is, people do make judgements on you and being a woman in I.T, working with a lot of men who are older than you.... Well, let's just say it's easier if you don't look too scruffy!

As it's Friday, I opened my door this morning to find another box of Riverford

Organic Vegetables waiting for me - having a quick look inside of it before I went to work, there doesn't appear to be any weird or strange things like there were last week (Come back Kohlrabi, I want to eat more of you!) however I'm sure my boyfriend and I can find a nice recipe that incorporates most of them. 

Breakfast was porridge (sadly not fruit as I've run out) and that kept me going until lunch time, when, despite it absolutely chucking it down from the sky, I headed out into town to buy some more houmous and a bag of salad for my friend coming round tonight. I found another new 'snack pot' - this one has beans and salmon in it and I thought it sounded quite nice.

I toasted another wholewheat pita bread and munched the peppers and tomatoes - after 15 minutes I realised, I was totally full and the snack pot is probably going to go to waste. This is annoying as 1. I'm trying to be more sensible with money and 2. I don't like wasting food.

The old Imogen would have probably eaten it anyway, however I don't want to do that - I'm full, I need to listen to my body and I don't need to put anything else in it at the moment. I think I've always had 'eyes bigger than my stomach' and today has been more evidence of this - OK, so now I know - I don't need more food if I've got some vegetables and a pita bread, it's just being greedy.  

My snack today is a cocoa orange 'nakd bar', which I'll much on at about 4:00pm. It's funny, as most people (including myself) associate Vegan products as being tasteless or bland or 'weird', however the nakd bar range has become one of my favourite snacks - especially the new bakewell tart flavoured ones as they honestly taste like bakewell tart!

Tonight I'm seeing one of my lovely friends who I've not seen for a little while so I will be feeding her Hairy Bikers healthy chilli and having a gossip before the exciting weekend ahead!

Vegetable Omelette

What do you do when there's random stuff in your cupboards?

Fridays are when my vegetable box gets delivered - this is awesome, however I never know what I'm going to get, so whilst it's a surprise, it can also be quite challenging to work out what to do with them. I'm trying hard not to waste food, so when I saw I had loads of eggs left, I thought I'd make something egg-related.

Aha! Omelette springs to mind! However the vegetables I had, didn't really go per se... Still, didn't stop me trying :-)

First, I cut them all up and put the oven on - I'd never tried a romero pepper before, so that was quite interesting (and they're actually really nice and tasty!) I also had carrot, organic mushrooms and shallots. After using my 1-calorie spray oil and spraying them a few times, I oven baked them for 20 minutes.

I decided I wouldn't go 'all out' with the omelette, so used two full eggs and another 3 egg-whites. This seemed perfect and I was actually quite impressed with the result!

I can't say it was the most amazing thing I'd ever tasted, but it was healthy AND filling and I think the thing I was most proud of was the fact it actually looked like an omelette. Also, even though it's Friday night, I'm not getting a takeaway, nor binging on lots of alcohol.... :-)