Unfortunately my happy mood did not last overly long
Which is very frustrating as I'm usually a really happy person (in my opinion, anyway!) - The last few days have been quite low and whilst I've tried to combat them with healthy eating (Malt loaf for breakfast or on one occasion, greek yoghurt with berries and granola from the work canteen which was lovely), mostly salads for lunch etc (Oh, and a very nice fish finger sandwich on Thursday night after watching the Apprentice on Wednesday!) It doesn't seem to have made much of a difference.
Yesterday I was working North of London which meant I had a 3+ hour commute to the office and then a 3+ hour commute back home, on top of a normal days work. Thankfully I was slightly sensible and stayed with my sister on Wednesday night which meant that 3+ hours was actually just over 1.5 hours, otherwise my 6:30am start would have been 5:00am which is just crazy!
Needless to say, last night I was absolutely knackered and coming back on the final train, where there wasn't any seats, I just sat on the floor near a door and stared at the floor for an hour :-) Hardly lady like, but hell, it was better than standing! I was feeling very dehydrated as I stupidly didn't take any water in my handbag so as my boyfriend was picking me up from the train station, I asked him to bring a drink with him (I didn't have time to buy one else I would have missed my final train and would have been back even later). That's certainly something I'm going to try and avoid doing in future and I believe Evian do really mini bottles of water so I was thinking of putting one in my handbag for emergencies.
I can't actually believe it's been 5 days since I last blogged, at the moment, a lot of 'normal' things for me seem to need quite a lot of effort which isn't good. Monday was a particularly bad day in terms of how I was feeling and when my Boyfriend texted me after work, I basically told him that I couldn't cope and I felt like either throwing myself in front of a train or terminating the pregnancy. If you knew me, you'd wonder what was going on - I'm usually a really active, happy, positive person, however since being pregnant, everything has changed and I just feel very down a lot of the time.
My Boyfriend was amazing as usual and said whatever I wanted to do was absolutely fine - however after telling him I was genuinely thinking of killing myself, I realised I needed to do something about it so not only spoke to my counsellor on Tuesday, but also booked a Drs appointment for today.
My Counsellor asked if I had ever read up on Tokophobia which I said I hadn't - she didn't say any more about it, however a quick Google was all that was needed and it was literally like someone had been inside my head and written down what I was thinking and feeling. I really don't care if I'm 'labelled' with it or not, as currently I would just like to be happy and positive about being pregnant, you know, like most people! :-) Rather than having these massive fears / worries and now suicidal thoughts.
When I went to the Drs today, I was very honest about how I felt and she was really nice and listened to me - I didn't feel fobbed off at all which is even more evidence that the treatment I had when I was a child was actually more rare than I thought - the last few times I've seen any medical professional, they have all been really, really lovely. She suggested I think about anti depressants and after crying at her for 15 minutes, she wrote me a prescription - I've got 28 tablets of Sertraline sitting on my coffee table right now.
She did say it was low risk, and obviously pointed out that the risks to the baby would be less than if I terminated or killed myself - OK, point taken, however reading up on the affects in pregnancy, it seems to be the case that the first 12 weeks are the most vital (which I knew anyway, which is why I made the choice not to drink any alcohol at all) and therefore suggests that potential birth defects can happen.... I'm really confused at the moment and as such, haven't started taking them. I really want to feel better, happier and normal, but on the other hand, if I took a tablet and it caused a birth defect - I don't know if I could live with that guilt.
At the moment, I'm wondering if I can 'hang on' until my scan which is a week today (my letter came through on Tuesday and my blood test results were all fine from last week) If the scan shows that everything is fine, then I'll basically be 10+6, so 11 weeks essentially. That means there's only one more week to go in the first trimester and therefore every day I can 'hang on' is another day closer to the end of the first 12 weeks that are so vital. I don't think I'll be able to cope with feeling like this for 30 more weeks, in fact, I know I won't - however trying to get through the first 12 and therefore lowering the risk of anything affecting 'the thing' seems like the most sensible thing to do.....
I don't know - however what I do know is that I won't give up so easily - I'm still so lucky to have amazingly supportive friends and family and my wonderful boyfriend and on the very occasional moments where I don't feel very low, I know I don't want to terminate so I need to find a way of trying to get through this.
As it's Friday, the weekend is fast approaching and I'm hoping to get out, get some fresh air and make a healthy fish stew. I'm still moving things into my Boyfriends house, but thankfully things seem to be getting there so when we finally move the big furniture items, all my clothes etc will already be in my room :-)