Friday, 16 October 2015

Depression in pregnancy

Unfortunately my happy mood did not last overly long

Which is very frustrating as I'm usually a really happy person (in my opinion, anyway!) - The last few days have been quite low and whilst I've tried to combat them with healthy eating (Malt loaf for breakfast or on one occasion, greek yoghurt with berries and granola from the work canteen which was lovely), mostly salads for lunch etc (Oh, and a very nice fish finger sandwich on Thursday night after watching the Apprentice on Wednesday!) It doesn't seem to have made much of a difference.

Yesterday I was working North of London which meant I had a 3+ hour commute to the office and then a 3+ hour commute back home, on top of a normal days work. Thankfully I was slightly sensible and stayed with my sister on Wednesday night which meant that 3+ hours was actually just over 1.5 hours, otherwise my 6:30am start would have been 5:00am which is just crazy!

Needless to say, last night I was absolutely knackered and coming back on the final train, where there wasn't any seats, I just sat on the floor near a door and stared at the floor for an hour :-) Hardly lady like, but hell, it was better than standing! I was feeling very dehydrated as I stupidly didn't take any water in my handbag so as my boyfriend was picking me up from the train station, I asked him to bring a drink with him (I didn't have time to buy one else I would have missed my final train and would have been back even later). That's certainly something I'm going to try and avoid doing in future and I believe Evian do really mini bottles of water so I was thinking of putting one in my handbag for emergencies.

I can't actually believe it's been 5 days since I last blogged, at the moment, a lot of 'normal' things for me seem to need quite a lot of effort which isn't good. Monday was a particularly bad day in terms of how I was feeling and when my Boyfriend texted me after work, I basically told him that I couldn't cope and I felt like either throwing myself in front of a train or terminating the pregnancy. If you knew me, you'd wonder what was going on - I'm usually a really active, happy, positive person, however since being pregnant, everything has changed and I just feel very down a lot of the time.

My Boyfriend was amazing as usual and said whatever I wanted to do was absolutely fine - however after telling him I was genuinely thinking of killing myself, I realised I needed to do something about it so not only spoke to my counsellor on Tuesday, but also booked a Drs appointment for today. 

My Counsellor asked if I had ever read up on Tokophobia which I said I hadn't - she didn't say any more about it, however a quick Google was all that was needed and it was literally like someone had been inside my head and written down what I was thinking and feeling. I really don't care if I'm 'labelled' with it or not, as currently I would just like to be happy and positive about being pregnant, you know, like most people! :-) Rather than having these massive fears / worries and now suicidal thoughts. 

When I went to the Drs today, I was very honest about how I felt and she was really nice and listened to me - I didn't feel fobbed off at all which is even more evidence that the treatment I had when I was a child was actually more rare than I thought - the last few times I've seen any medical professional, they have all been really, really lovely. She suggested I think about anti depressants and after crying at her for 15 minutes, she wrote me a prescription - I've got 28 tablets of Sertraline sitting on my coffee table right now.

She did say it was low risk, and obviously pointed out that the risks to the baby would be less than if I terminated or killed myself - OK, point taken, however reading up on the affects in pregnancy, it seems to be the case that the first 12 weeks are the most vital (which I knew anyway, which is why I made the choice not to drink any alcohol at all) and therefore suggests that potential birth defects can happen.... I'm really confused at the moment and as such, haven't started taking them. I really want to feel better, happier and normal, but on the other hand, if I took a tablet and it caused a birth defect - I don't know if I could live with that guilt.

At the moment, I'm wondering if I can 'hang on' until my scan which is a week today (my letter came through on Tuesday and my blood test results were all fine from last week) If the scan shows that everything is fine, then I'll basically be 10+6, so 11 weeks essentially. That means there's only one more week to go in the first trimester and therefore every day I can 'hang on' is another day closer to the end of the first 12 weeks that are so vital. I don't think I'll be able to cope with feeling like this for 30 more weeks, in fact, I know I won't - however trying to get through the first 12 and therefore lowering the risk of anything affecting 'the thing' seems like the most sensible thing to do.....

I don't know - however what I do know is that I won't give up so easily - I'm still so lucky to have amazingly supportive friends and family and my wonderful boyfriend and on the very occasional moments where I don't feel very low, I know I don't want to terminate so I need to find a way of trying to get through this.

As it's Friday, the weekend is fast approaching and I'm hoping to get out, get some fresh air and make a healthy fish stew. I'm still moving things into my Boyfriends house, but thankfully things seem to be getting there so when we finally move the big furniture items, all my clothes etc will already be in my room :-)

Sunday, 11 October 2015

Everything is OK...

I've been really lax updating my blog for the last few days, however everything is absolutely fine at the moment - I've just been really busy! 

I wanted to pop down what's been happening, however sadly it won't be in any great detail as I've spent today with my Mother in Wiltshire, celebrating her Birthday which was last week, however she was on holiday with the rest of my family - after driving to her, picking her up, driving some more and walking around all day (S health told me I'd reached my daily steps and time active target!) before having afternoon tea and driving her and then myself back.... *and breathe*.... I'm rather tired! 

Thursday was a big day for me as I had my 'booking in' appointment. Shows how much I know as I thought I'd be having a scan, but no... It was just a lot of form filling in and a blood test where the midwife took 5 vials of blood. She was lovely and put numbing cream on both arms... and my Boyfriend came with me for support - she said she had written to the Consultant about my fear of childbirth and needles and the Consultant said once I'd had a scan, I could make an appointment to talk to her about a possible elective caesarean. 

I'm still adamant I will terminate if they aren't comfortable allowing me to have one - for that, I am 100% sure. In regards to keeping / terminating if that's not an issue, I'm 90% sure I want to continue as I've had the most amazing support from my 2 youngest sisters and my Boyfriend has been just utterly amazing. I am still in awe at any woman who chooses to go through this without such support as I feel I'm hanging on by a thin thread as it is... 

In regards to eating, I've not been great the last few days. I've switched back to porridge and raspberries in the morning as it's getting colder and is easy and convenient - I've also been still eating salads at work (I had a salmon donburi on Friday lunch time with wholegrain and lentil rice), however yesterday my Boyfriend and I made a 'healthy' stew, which was healthy as it was in the latest BBC Good Food magazine in their 'make it healthier' section - However, the fact we ate a LOT of it, probably negates the fact it was healthy....

Saturday was spent at the hairdressers and moving more things from my house into my Boyfriends house - I've got until the 22nd November to actually officially clear my house, but the more I do now, the less I have to do later on and it takes the pressure off slightly - My house doesn't really look like my house now and that's really sad as I've been here for 5 years and it's rather unsettling.

At 9 weeks and 2 days pregnant my symptoms still seem to be very minor with no feeling sick, not that much tiredness (just a bit harder to get up in the mornings) and my hormones are still not where they were a few weeks ago, when I felt really bad - I've got no idea what's going on inside me, however I'll phone the appointment line tomorrow and see if they've received everything. My midwife wrote 'NEEDLEPHOBIC AND ANXIETY' across the top of my yellow maternity notes so I imagine that will catch the eye of everyone who reads it!

My BMI is currently 31.5 so that's way too high. It's not morbidly obese, but it's 1.5 into 'obese' and that's just not great... I'd like to be sensible about losing weight but not crazy and my midwife said it was fine to exercise and eat healthily - the best goal is to not dramatically lose weight but not to gain any, either... 

Right... to bed now - I will update tomorrow with pictures, more details and the most important thing - document what I've been eating which will be a LOT healthier than it has been for the past few days.

Monday, 5 October 2015

Unexpected kindness from strangers

I'm glad today is nearly over!

Unfortunately I didn't sleep very well last night - My sisters flat is very near a main road and the traffic noise outside was really bad. I managed to nod off a few times, but seemed to wake every 1-2 hours which meant I was rather tired in the morning... As I'm cat sitting in my sisters flat I didn't have the usual 1.5 hour commute into London but a 30 minute tube ride instead. However, as it's a much busier tube line it wasn't an overly relaxing commute to work!

Despite bringing some Malt Loaf with me, I managed to totally forget it so I bought a yoghurt in the company canteen and ate that whilst putting together some last minute statistics my Boss asked me to do at very short notice. We've just moved desks at work due to a number of business areas changing so the first hour or was spent sorting things out and trying to find out when our desks would have power as we were relying on our laptop batteries holding up!

My mood has been pretty stable for the last few days, however today it took a bit of a turn for the worst. I post on an online forum (I imagine some people could hazard a guess as to which one) and have been posting regarding being pregnant and being totally honest about how I feel - the fact that I'm not 100% sure what I want to do, how I feel scared, unsure and how, on Thursday I'm going to have mixed feelings over my scan / what the midwife says. Now obviously, on an online forum, you accept that others have different opinions to you, however one person asked if it was really the right forum for me as I wasn't like the others and other people are so happy / anxious about their pregnancy progressing and I'm not.

I don't think the poster meant anything bad per se, however it made me feel really upset - I have been very grateful to strangers for offering support (and have tried to post on other threads to support people in return) and to suggest that it might not be the right place to post for support as I have different thoughts and feelings to the other women made me feel like a freak and I was trying to hold back tears as I was at work today.

Lunch was a salad from the canteen and I was trying to 'get over the feelings', when a random poster on the same thread sent me a private message saying she hoped I was OK, that she totally understood how I felt and how she thought it was good I was really thinking whether Motherhood was for me. A total random person who didn't need to make effort to do anything and she made time to send me a really lovely message. It really helped and made me feel less like a freak - I just want to be happy and excited but I can't be at the moment.

I keep thinking 'Yeah, I can do this MY way' but then I worry if I'm being naive and no matter what I say / want, I'll turn into a martyr who puts her children first, before anything, never wants to go out and buries her head in the sand as her relationship and career goes down the drain.... I know I'm asking a rhetorical question, but surely it's possible to have a life and children? surely? 

As the afternoon progressed, so did my headache and a dull ache seemed to develop in the middle of my brain. 5pm arrived and I headed out of the door and straight to the nearest Boots so I could buy some earplugs and hopefully sleep better tonight. I also bought dinner in the Tescos Express next door so I could buy fish fingers and beans - Hardly the most glamorous of dinners, however I was really craving both beans and fish fingers and it turned out really well :-) 

My Boyfriend texted me and told me he was getting my cold, which isn't good - I hope he feels better soon (thankfully I'm not coughing as much and my sore throat has gone, but it took long enough!). I don't mind cat sitting in my sisters flat, but I am feeling a bit lonely at the moment and I still have a lot of worry and anxiety in the back of my head in regards to being pregnant and what to do.... 

One day at a time, working from home tomorrow so I can hopefully have a great nights sleep! Things always feel less dire when you're not tired or feeling knackered. 

Sunday, 4 October 2015

Awesome weekend

It's been a really good few days and I'm hoping next week continues in the same vein.

I'm now sat in a North London flat, with 2 black cats as I'm cat sitting for one of my sisters. My entire family (sisters, parents, niece, sisters boyfriends / Husband) are all on holiday in the Scilly Isles so I'm looking after my sisters 2 cats until they come back on Sunday.

It's been a good few days. My hormones and all symptoms seem to have just, well.. stopped. I am feeling much more like 'me' again, I don't have any slight cramping, my chest isn't as sore and I don't feel sick in the slightest. On one hand, it's great, on the other, I have no idea what's going on inside me, however I guess I only have to wait until next Thursday and then I'll find out.

Friday was a good day at work as there was only one work colleague in the office with me - I got a lot of work done and existed on a 'yogurty oat pot' with orange juice for breakfast and a salmon donburi with multi grain rice for lunch. After getting home, I really, really fancied a curry, so ordered a really nice Chicken korma with pilau rice and a saga-loo - It was absolutely delicious and I really enjoyed it.  I had a really lazy Friday night in front of the TV and by 10:00pm, I was in the bath, before snuggling up in my bed and sleeping for quite a long time. 

Saturday morning I changed my sheets, did some chores, did a spot of food shopping and then drove to the station to pick up my friend from Wales. She's the friend who had a gastric band a few years ago and is now 6.5 months pregnant (different to my gastric band friend), I met her when I used to work as a Consultant on a project in South Wales and we became really good friends as she's as mental as I am :-) 

It was absolutely lovely seeing her and we just talked and talked and talked all weekend - We went back home first of all so I could get my washing out of the machine and hang it up, then we headed into London and went to the Sea Life centre. I grabbed some sushi from Wasabi before I got there for breakfast / lunch and we waited about 45 minutes in a queue before we bought the tickets and went in. Despite it being a very busy Saturday afternoon and waiting in a line for a while, it was actually pretty good and a lot better and more clean than I remember it being when I went about 12 years ago with an ex boyfriend. 

We spent a good couple of hours wandering around, looking at all the fish and before I knew it, I had the notifications by 'S health' on my phone that I'd walked 10,000 steps and had been active for 90 minutes. Despite my friend being 6.5 months pregnant, she didn't really look pregnant, she actually just looked a bit overweight. I obviously didn't say that to her, but she did say she thought she didn't really have a bump but as she had loose skin from the 7 stone she had lost from the gastric band, she had 'kinda grown back into her body' but obviously this is a temporary thing as opposed to her just eating too much.

After Sea Life, my friend said she really wanted to go to 'Chocky Wocky Do Dah' as she used to watch the show and really wanted to go to the shop. I have heard of the show but don't really know much about it, however as she was my guest and I really had no problem going anywhere, we headed off to the place. It was rather full and the chocolate was rather expensive, however they certainly sell some interesting cakes! We put our name down for a table upstairs in the coffee shop and were told it would be about a 25 minute wait, so wandered around the shop, seeing it there was anything nice we could buy - I found a lovely chocolate yellow bath duck, which I bought for my boyfriend as a Christmas present :-)

When we were called upstairs, we had a really nice table by the window and I ordered a 'Chocky Wocky Sundae' and she ordered a '6 cake slice'. My sundae was amazing, however way too much chocolate and my friend only ate 1/3rd of her cake. One of the nice things about buying the cake is, they offer you boxes for free so you can take it home with you so my friend actually finished the cake for tea!

No more cake or food for us! After that, we headed back to the tube station and started our journey home, getting back at about 7pm. I did suggest we spend the rest of the evening watching crazy TV, however we actually just talked and talked and talked and it was so nice - My friend is also scared (it's her first baby) and when it kicks her, she says 'it's weird and freaky', she also says she doesn't feel she wants to be tied to the baby constantly and wants her Husband to co-parent and look after the baby too - Is this really so weird? When we were on the sofa, she shouted 'Oh F**k!' and her stomach just moved! She said 'He's kicking me' (she knows it's a boy) and sure enough, her stomach was just moving.... It was so odd...

Today we both drove over to my Boyfriends house and had breakfast (I had 2 slices of honey on seeded toast) before I drove her back to the train station so she could head back to Wales. My boyfriend and I then drove to Argos to get a canvas wardrobe so my Boyfriend could move all his clothes from his big spare room into his bedroom in preparation for me to move in. We actually did really well and have now cleared out a whole bedroom! We celebrated by driving 2 hours to North London and having sushi for dinner before cuddling on my sisters Sofa, watching 'Have I got news for you' before my Boyfriend said goodbye and headed back home.

I know I've eaten out a *lot* in the last few days and as I'm now living at my sisters house for the next 3 nights (I'm heading back for one night on Wednesday as I've got my midwifes appointment on Thursday morning) I don't really have much food to eat at the moment (although I have found some new Soreen bars to try for Breakfast!). I'm going to try and get a good nights sleep tonight and find a local supermarket so I can at least make something healthy tomorrow night and not exist on more restaurant / takeaway food.

I'm not going to lie - I'm still in two minds about continuing the pregnancy. I think I've made up my mind and then I will read or hear something and then swing the other way, however at the moment, I just need to try and wait until Thursday when at least I will know what's currently happening within me, so I can discuss all options with the midwife and really try and work out what is best for my Boyfriend and myself.

Less than 4 days to go!

Thursday, 1 October 2015

Very proud of myself

So I'm ill

I'm never usually ill - I hardly ever get colds, at most, twice a year but usually just once. I think I managed to catch it from the two 'TOWIE' women I was sitting behind in the plane that took us back from Cancun to Gatwick on Saturday night. They sounded pretty husky and ill and I remember thinking 'I hope I don't catch it'... well, unfortunately I did and on Tuesday night I just couldn't sleep as my throat was so sore. Usually I'd drug myself up instantly - Ibruprofen, lemsip, the works, however being pregnant you're not supposed to just knock pills back, so I ended up being awake for most of the night, getting very upset and feeling powerless to do anything about it.

Come 4:30am, I decided to work from home yesterday, even though I was supposed to be in the office. I hate changing things or making it appear that I'm being lazy, however when I tried to talk, I realised I had totally lost my voice so all of the conference calls were proof enough that I was ill as people said I sounded pretty bad! It was definitely the right decision as I felt really, really tired  by lunch time so actually used my lunch hour to have a nap - something I never usually do. I managed to cope all day with drinking honey and lemon which was actually really nice and helpful on my throat. 

Breakfast was my malt loaf bar with a banana for a snack at 11:00am. Lunch yesterday (and today, in fact) was scrambled eggs on toast again. I don't think I've ever had scrambled eggs 3 days in a row, however it's now used up all 6 eggs and I can chuck the box away and I have rather enjoyed it for the last 3 days :-) 

I was umming and ahhing about seeing my Drama friend yesterday, however decided to just go - I dislike cancelling on people and wanted to catch up with her as I've not seen her for a while. It was nice and as usual, she has lots of drama in life. The main one being that her cleaning company have effectively 'sacked her'. She hired a cleaner, then complained that it wasn't good enough, so they got her another one - which she complained about again and they changed the cleaner.... and then she complained about THAT cleaner.. and.. yeah, well.. After the 3rd time the company said that they didn't believe they could meet her requirements and that was that. 

We had dinner in Wagamamas and I decided on a Beef Massaman Curry which apparently contains 'marinated beef with sweet potatoes, shiitake mushrooms and baby aubergine in a mild, fragrant massaman curry sauce. served with a side of steamed rice'. It was really yummy and washed down with a small ginger beer, we spent a happy 1.5 hours catching up with stuff. 

After heading home I then phoned another friend - this is the friend who's having an affair with a married guy. Turns out they're not getting on as well as before and when pressed, he admitted he may not be able to leave his Wife next June - surprise, surprise. My friend is amazing, really amazing, she deserves so much more than this, however she refuses to leave him as apparently she loves him so much. I don't know why, however I felt I could tell her about me being pregnant and despite her being a 100% committed child free person, she was so supportive. She basically suggested 'good things' and 'bad things' about having kids and when I said I just couldn't see any good points about having kids, she listed loads off, 'Playing with them, hearing them say they love you, helping them learn about the world' - And this is a woman who is not going to have children!

Then she said 'Of course, there will be days when you want them to shut the fuck up and want to chuck them out the window and probably wish them dead' - That sounds so taboo, doesn't it? But I actually identified with that, just the sheer desperation you must feel at times.... It was really good to talk to her and for the first time in a long time, I actually felt positive about the future and managed to have a bath and get sleep last night.

This morning I felt so much better - despite Thursday being my normal 'Work at home' day, I had to get up early as I had my filling appointment at the dentist. Being terrified of injections, I can't say I was looking forward to today at all, however I was surprisingly calm about the whole thing as I was driving there. 9:15 and the dentists says hello to me and we talk about the fact I've lost my voice.... and then she starts putting numbing cream (that tastes like bubble gum) on my gum. Then the injection.... It wasn't pleasant, I did cry a bit, however the numbing cream helped a LOT and when she realised I was shaking and crying, she stopped, let it take affect and then gave me another one - however the fact she'd already given me some, meant I didn't feel it. I'll be totally honest - I could do it again, it wasn't pleasant, but it was really manageable and she was great.

The rest of the drilling, sucking etc was fine - I'm not scared of that at all and she managed to give me a while filling even though it was at the back of my mouth, which was cool :-) 

I am really proud of myself - I remember a few years ago, thinking about having fillings and getting so upset. Now I've done it, it's OK, having an injection was OK! This time next week, I'll have had 4 vials of blood taken in my midwifes appointment which I'm not overly keen on - However I'm going to try and keep calm and keep a similar mindset - I got through today, I can get through next week.

Interestingly, I feel absolutely fine and that's now making me panic - My boobs aren't as sore, my hormones have gone (e.g. I feel 'normal') and my stomach isn't cramping at all. I'm sure a lot of women feel like this, but I'm now thinking 'What if there's no heartbeat next Thursday?' after talking to my friend yesterday, I now think I'd be quite upset if there wasn't - Christ, I wish I could make my mind up. I guess I just have to wait and see.... Take one day at a time.