Friday, 31 July 2015

Spending a great day with a friend

Sometimes having no plan is the best plan of all

Breakfast: Didn't have any!
Lunch: Burger with salad
Dinner: Pasta with a tomato and basil sauce 
Snacks: Bakewell Tart nakd bar

I've had a lovely day with my Drama Friend. It's been really relaxing and great catching up, even if she does have even more drama in her life at the moment! As I didn't get back until late last night, I didn't get up until about 8:30am which is really late for me. I didn't really feel like breakfast so had a nice cup of tea and blogged until my friend came round. We had decided we were going.. pottery painting! I'd never done it before and as she was nice enough to take a day off work, I suggested a number of things we could do and that was the one she chose as she wanted to indulge her 'artistic flair' - Fine by me! So she drove to my house and I drove to the pottery painting place.

Thankfully there was noone else there, so we chose the things we'd like to paint (I chose a large cup and saucer and a small mug) chose the paints and got cracking. I have to be honest, as I work in I.T... most of my skills are more technology related than art related. I never even did Art as a GCSE as I really don't think I have any talent whatsoever - However, despite that, I think I did 'OK'.. I did a Peacock on the cup and saucer and on the Mug... I made it for my Gastric Bypass friend and will give it to her for Christmas. Sadly you can't get them to take away as obviously they need to be fired in the kiln so apparently ours will be ready next Wednesday - My friend also did a large cup and saucer so I suggested that whenever we're over each others houses, we use the 'special cup and saucer' :-) 

Drama Friend is named thus, due to the amount of Drama she has in her life and at the moment, she has more.... She was seeing a guy called Pete who, after 3 dates said 'I like you but just want to be friends', she said that was fine, invited him over to her house as a friend - the got very drunk and slept together... however he maintained after that, that he just wanted to be friends. He then stopped replying to her texts and after 2 weeks of constantly contacting him, he admitted that the reason he had stopped texting her and meeting her was because he'd met someone off the dating site he liked and didn't think it would be appropriate to keep messaging and meeting my friend, whilst he was dating this new woman.

My friend convinced him that he could still see her in a 'friend' capacity.. and for the last 2 months or so, that's what they've been doing - no more sex. However... Pete has admitted to my friend that he's 'Not sure' about his new girlfriend and it's 'different to when he was dating his ex' - My friend seems to be overly invested in his relationship (As I imagine she actually still fancies him) and has taken massive um-bridge with the fact he's 'not sure' about his new girlfriend and thinks he's just wasting this womans time. I suggested it was up to him... she agreed, but then showed me a massive text message conversation where she was telling him about her 'feelings' and that she 'felt', he should be a 'better person than he is being' and that if he doesn't 'feel it', then he should break it off with her....

This conversation continued as we drove to a local pub for lunch. It's one of my favourite pubs and the weather was absolutely beautiful so we sat outside. There wasn't a lot of healthy options on the menu, so as I hadn't had breakfast, I decided on a burger but asked for salad rather than chips. We continued chatting about stuff... Life... Jobs... friends... it was really, really relaxing - exactly what I needed, really. The only thing that wasn't overly relaxing was the number of wasps that were flying around our table - I'm not overly keen on wasps.. in fact, I'm really scared of them, so seeing them fly around and land on our table frequently was not overly fun.

After a really lovely lunch, my friend asked if we could go to the local Matalan - I've never been, but said 'sure, no worries' so we set off in the hope of buying her new underwear. Matalan was a lot bigger than I thought it would be and I was actually quite impressed with the variety of things - so much so, that I actually bought a new Pyjama set for £10 that has cats on it... and a couple of tops which I tried on and looked quite nice :-) My friend also managed to find loads of new underwear... Just in time for the 'South African' she is apparently meeting tomorrow from.. yes, you've guessed it, the dating site! I did suggest that maybe, if she wants a relationship, she may want to not show him her underwear for a while - However that's her choice and I guess it will either work out, or not... 

We then had a nice cup of tea at my house and watched some crazy TV for an hour before she headed off home. It was lovely seeing her and I do really value her friendship - She actually told me she's started seeing a counsellor and I really hope he helps her. Now that I've hoovered, put the washing on and sorted out all the clothes I had hanging up, upstairs.. I am now sat on my sofa, watching 'Paranormal Activity' and enjoying being at home :-) 

Healthy eating and energy

It's important to try and find energy from healthy sources and not chocolate :-)

Breakfast: Porridge
Lunch: Giraffe Penang-bang salad
Dinner: Mango and sticky rice
Snacks: No snacks

Yesterday was mental - I didn't get in until after 11pm and was so tired I went straight to bed! It had all started out pretty relaxing - Porridge for breakfast with a nice cup of tea (I'm STILL using up the Porridge pots I bought a while ago....) and watched a few episodes of 'Fraiser' on TV. I've always liked Frasier and bought every DVD box set when it came out about 10 years ago... Even though it's aged, it's still funny, unlike some of the comedies today which I really just don't get... Maybe that's me just getting old, or maybe it's the fact that 'they just don't make 'em like they used to?'

I left the house 1.5 hours before I needed to meet the Professional guy for lunch. I wanted to wander around the shops for a bit and see if I could find any other nice clothes or bits and bobs. There was absolutely no traffic on the roads, so parked and wandered around Reading town centre... I headed straight for Marks and Spencers as there was one thing I really wanted to buy - More fat pants! Until my stomach is flat, I really dislike my tummy wobbling daily and wanted to get some new ones for when I start work. They're not actually called fat pants, they've got a more seductive name usually, 'Waist Clincher' or 'Stomach defining' however let's call a spade a spade - They make you look less fat... (Which is only a good thing in my mind).

Marks and Spencers lingerie department is a sight for sore eyes - just rows and rows of underwear. Whilst they do go up to my size, I've always found them quite hit and miss so despite trying on a beautiful royal green 36G bra.. it didn't sit flat against my chest and just didn't look quite right :-( However, I did manage to find what I was looking for and am now the proud owner of another pair of fat pants! I never get the ones with 'shorts' or bits that cover the top of your thigh as I always find that you bulge out the bottom and it makes you look like you have rubber rings around the tops of your legs... So tend to just go for the 'standard' shape. 

Despite wandering into a few more shops, I didn't find anything overly amazing, so headed to lunch. The Professional Guy was lovely - It's a shame I won't be working with / for him as he was really nice, however we said we'd keep in touch as both worked in the same industry and who knows what will happen in the future? It was a really nice 1.5 hours, made nicer by the fact I found something pretty healthy and incredibly tasty in Giraffee - a restaurant I've not been into for over a couple of years. When looking at their menu, they actually did a number of healthy options and said they could serve you meals without the bun / bread and substitute the fries for salads... that's pretty awesome going! They also did a number of really nice salads and I had the Giraffe Penang-bang salad which tasted lovely. According to the internet... this comes in at just over 500 calories, so not bad at all... 

(This isn't my photo, I had to find it on the internet as I thought the guy would think I was a bit weird if I pulled my phone out and started taking photos of my lunch!)

I then decided to use the fact I was in Reading as an advantage and headed up to Greys Court - Another National Trust property nearby. I have to say, I do still get quite anxious driving and going to places on my own, but when will I get another opportunity to do this? I have been to Greys Court before with my Mother, a few years ago, however had forgotten this until I saw the house which was lovely. Whilst I love antiques and the house certainly had a few of them! I actually preferred the gardens and was really happy to just slowly wander around the formal gardens, taking photographs in the sun. Whilst I was on my own, noone looked at me weirdly and I actually saw quite a few people on their own - all of whom smiled :-) 

After a couple of hours of generally meandering around, I headed to Twickenham to see my friend who did my eyelashes. She's awesome and had decided to feed me more mango and rice for dinner. I didn't ask her to, however she seemed so happy she had found it in the supermarket (as apparently it goes really quickly) I didn't feel I could say no. I was able to grab a quick look at the back of the box however, and it said it was 480 calories and 12g of fat - so not the worst dinner in the world :-)  I had planned to eat a chicken salad when I got back home, however after she did my eyelashes and we ate, I stayed at her house until pretty late... hence why I didn't write anything yesterday. 

I think I've said before, but I love having my eyelashes done, I really like how my face looks and it does give me more confidence. I usually have the shortest lashes possible, however yesterday asked my friend to do them one length longer to see how they looked and yeah... I don't think I look like a drag queen and they still look natural. I guess this is a prime time to change how I look as when I meet and work with all my new work colleagues in a few weeks, they won't have any pre-ideas about what I look like, so I can change anything I want and they should accept it (Unlike my last work place when I came to work with eyelash extensions and lots of people commented straight away).

This morning I am feeling pretty knackered. Despite not eating unhealthily, I think the fact I'm driving around a lot and seeing people here, there and everywhere is taking its toll on me - I feel rather drained! I do this to myself, so can't feel too angry.. Today I'm seeing my Drama Friend and tomorrow I'm seeing my Boyfriend before a very early start on Sunday, where myself and my Gastric Bypass friend (who is STILL doing really well and seems to have found herself a new boyfriend!) are going on a mini holiday...

I really need to keep my energy levels constant and not feel knackered and I know I need to be careful about what food I eat as sugary things are great, but then you get the horrible sugar crash afterwards. I've still got a few Bakewell Tart Nakd bars I can stick in my handbag, however am thinking of getting some dried fruit, maybe even some prunes that I can nibble on if I feel knackered. 

Wednesday, 29 July 2015

How to get more body confidence?

I'd like to think that one day, I really won't worry about what I look like to other people

Breakfast: Porridge
Lunch: Large salad buffet
Snacks: No snacks today

Yesterday ended up being more random than I thought it would be. After seeing my counsellor for my usual Tuesday 5pm appointment, we got onto the subject of jealousy and I mentioned that I find it hard to 'accept' the fact that my Boyfriend finds other women attractive. It's a totally human (and natural) thing and certainly doesn't mean he's going to run off with someone else - But due to the fact I am still not happy with how I look, it almost feels as if I compare myself to whoever he finds attractive and 100% of the time, feel I'm not as sexy / beautiful / gorgeous as the 'other woman' - I feel I should point out, that my Boyfriend has never, ever mentioned another woman.. He's so respectful, but even when he's around other women, I always worry 'Does he find them attractive? Does he prefer them over me?'

I'd like to think I've got a little bit of self awareness - at least enough to appreciate the fact that it's not a healthy mindset and whilst I believe I 'control' it quite well (I don't control anything my Boyfriend does, he spends time with both women and men... I don't constantly question him on anything etc) It would be much better for me and my head if I didn't feel so unattractive.

These thoughts were in my head today as I went to the Spa. I've been going to Nirvana Spa near Reading for the past... 5? 6 years and I still remember the first time I went - I bought myself a Birthday present and decided to go on my own which was a massive thing for me as I used to find it really scary to do things on my own.

Nirvana is amazing - I still love it. The people are lovely and friendly, the whole place is really clean and despite me having a massively low attention span, I can quite happily spend hours in there, just wandering around from the steam room, to the sauna, to the various pools....  However, the first time I went, I was petrified of wearing a swimming costume as I thought everyone would look at me and judge. I can't have been more than a size 18, but I felt like the fattest and ugliest person on the planet. So, rather than thinking 'Fuck it'... I didn't wear a swimming costume. I just wonder my underwear and a fluffy bathrobe which I kept wrapped tightly around me all day.

This meant I couldn't use 90% of the facilities - Think of it... you pay a LOT of money for a day and you only use 10% of things, e.g. 'the chairs' because you're so worried about what you look like to others. Despite that, I still had a lovely day, but when I decided to become a member, I made up my mind to actually use the facilities and try not to worry about wearing a swimming costume in front of others. The next time I went, I did wear a swimming costume, however even that wasn't straight forward as I worried about how I'd change in the changing room... Would they have a spare cubicle? Would people look?

I ended up doing what I used to do for school, which was wear my swimming costume under my clothes, drive to the Spa and then just take my clothes off - Hey presto.. instant swimming costume. I was still petrified when I took my robe off, my hands and arms automatically wrapping around my stomach and me sucking my stomach in so I wouldn't look 'so fat' to anyone else.

Needless to say, I saw precisely 0 people look at me or pay me any attention at all. Literally... Noone gasped at how huge I was, noone batted an eyelid when I wobbled to any of the pools.. It was as if I fitted in, or at the very least, didn't offend anyone else with what I looked like. Women who were a lot bigger than me didn't seem to have the same thought process - I don't know why but I was actually amazed to see ladies bigger than me, looking perfectly happy to go swimming, wander around without a massive fluffy robe on and even get naked in the changing room. How can they have such brilliant confidence, yet I feel so freakish?

I think it makes a big difference where you are and who you're with - Today at the spa, I had a massage that involved wearing nothing but a pair of paper pants. 5 years ago, I'd have been absolutely terrified at the thought of anyone seeing me in nothing but a pair of pants (even my Boyfriend), however as the Spa therapists are so nice, friendly and non-judging, every time I've been, I've relaxed more. Equally, as noone has ever stared at me or made any horrible comments, I feel safe and I don't feel like I have to cover up as I'm not going to be judged. I wonder if this is why there are so many women only gyms? So you can work out and not feel like you need to cover up in 5 layers just so people don't judge you?

I certainly don't think I've got all the answers, nor do I think I'll wake up one morning and be all like 'Yeah, I'm confident, yeaaaaaah', or anything like that. However I do hope that as I lose weight, my confidence will increase, I also think that if I surround myself with supportive people and make a concious choice to be in environments where I'm not going to be judged for my size, I'll feel more confident about being 'me' and less worried about fitting in...

After the most amazing time at the Spa, I saw my Boyfriend and I cooked him a really, really nice haddock dinner - I think we both enjoyed it, perhaps I did more than him as I was cooking from scratch and I always really enjoy doing that. It really didn't take long and turned out really delicious - it was low carb, so that satisfied him and was also healthy and filling, so satisfied me as well :-) After a really nice chat on the sofa, we headed out to the pub for a quite drink and now I'm back, sitting on the sofa, watching 'Tattoo Fixers' and writing this blog.

Tomorrow I'm meeting a professional person who interviewed me for a job, but I didn't accept it. Despite this, we got on really well and I suggested we go for lunch as it would be nice to know as many nice, friendly and professional people in my industry as possible. He suggested I pick a restaurant, so I'm going to try my best to pick somewhere healthy for lunch :-)

Tuesday, 28 July 2015

Dealing with Doctors and Nurses

Compared to yesterday, today has been comparatively quiet. A little too quiet to be honest.

Breakfast: 1/2 Punnet of Strawberries
Lunch: Grilled chicken breast, handful of cherry tomatoes and lettuce
Dinner: Salmon and red pepper omelette 
Snacks: No snacks today - still making up for the weekend!

When I knew I'd be put on garden leave, I tried to sort out things in my life - book a dentists appointment, see friends / family when I could and also book a smear test as my 3 year letter was sent to me via the NHS Trust saying it was time for that 'fun' experience again. I'm no stranger to the speculum as I've had a number of swabs taken due to being diagnosed with a uterus infection 10 years ago and also having been diagnosed with Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID) on a couple of occasions. I can't say I've ever enjoyed it - especially considering I have a massive distrust of Medical Professionals and really struggle with having anything done to me in a medical sense. 

Despite this, I knew I had to make an appointment soon - I don't find it particularly enjoyable at all, in fact, I find it really uncomfortable as I tense a lot (like a lot of women, I imagine) however the thought of potentially having cervical cancer is such a sobering one, I feel you just need to 'get on with it'.

I woke up this morning, went in the bath and made myself look 'presentable'. breakfast was half a punnet of Strawberries as I really didn't feel in the mood for porridge. Despite Tescos telling me that the strawberries would be OK until tomorrow - half of them had gone really mushy and I'm not keen on eating them when they're that ripe so whilst half of them went into my stomach, the other half made their way to the bin :-( Interestingly, after I'd had a high protein and virtually 0 carb day yesterday, I found that my bowl movements were very, erm.. fast and I had to run to the loo very quickly this morning. I found myself wondering if this is what people taking that weight loss tablet - 'Alli' felt like. Either way, I don't think I could keep up a high protein diet for very long! 

The entire morning and early afternoon I kept worrying about my Drs appointment. I hate, hate, hate them and as my Boyfriend was at work, I felt really alone and wished I had some company. I guess this is the downside to not being at work when everyone else is... it's not as fun as you'd believe when everyone else is busy and you're on your own. I tried to be productive by feeding the birds in the garden - despite feeding them a few days ago, they go through the fat balls, fat block, sunflower seeds and normal bird food really quickly! and within minutes of putting more food out there, the fat wood pigeon was scoffing his face...

Lunch was a oven baked chicken breast, a handful of cherry tomatoes wrapped in a couple of large lettuce leaves. I still think I'm focussed on trying to 'detox' after my weekend of eating unhealthy rubbish and so far, it's going OK!

15:00 came and I was sat in the Drs surgery, waiting for my name to be called. As per usual, I was thinking the worst - that the Sister would be horrible, rude... etc, however she was nothing but pleasant - she even listened when I said that I usually tense up, so sometimes it's hard to get a swab from me! She said 'If you need me to stop at any time, just let me know' and the fact I felt she meant it, really put me at ease. I can't say it was pleasant and as usual, I bled a very little bit - However apparently I was 'really easy' compared to some patients and she managed to get a swab so hurrah! My results will come back in a week :-)

Obviously I won't be posting any photos of that part of my day, however she also gave me a leaflet on breast change. I suppose it's one thing I don't really do - check my breasts, so if you're a woman and haven't done it for a while... please click on the photo and spend a worthwhile 2 minutes making sure yours are OK, too :-)

Tonight I'll be making an omelette using 2 eggs + 3 additional egg whites and adding some smoked salmon trimmings and a red pepper - Salmon and pepper omelette, yummy! I have to say, I'm really proud of the fact that for the last 2 days I've got my head together and am once again on the right side of the track for healthy eating. I think back to what I ate last week and really, really cringe, but there's nothing I can do about it - I can only control what goes into my mouth from this point forward.

.. and I still really want to reach my goal of wearing size 14 jeans on Christmas Day... I've got, what? 4 months, 3 weeks left... to lose a little more weight and drop 1 dress size? EASY! I don't want to be kicking myself on Christmas day thinking 'If only I ate more healthy'...  And then I want to start 2016 with another goal.

But first things first.. I'm off to dust my bedroom - Living the dream :-)

Monday, 27 July 2015

Let's make the next 3 weeks count

3 weeks today, it will be the first day of my new job

This also means that it will be 3 weeks until I wear a suit - Something I've not done for a while (I didn't even do it when I had the interview for this job!). As my lovely friend was kind enough to donate a number of suits to me yesterday, I'd really prefer to wear them, rather than having to buy a lot of new things - especially if I'm looking to lose more weight in the next few months, which I am. 

However - some of the suit trousers are pretty tight and the jackets are also tight... I could wear them, but they'd be rather uncomfortable. I don't know if I change that within 3 weeks, but I guess you never know unless you try? At any rate.. losing half a stone would hopefully take off the additional weight I've gained within the last week or so by eating crap and get me right back onto it. I don't know how much I've put on, I guess in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter - what matters is I start eating healthily again and look at the long term goals.

Which is exactly what I've been doing today! I didn't know how I'd feel when I woke up, however I woke up feeling like an adventure and that I really wanted to get back to my healthy eating. I was planning on driving to Leeds Castle, however after 1.5 hours of driving on the M25, my Sat Nav was showing quite a few queues towards the Castle, so I decided I'd head towards Canterbury and visit the Cathedral - something I'd never done before. 

Another thing I've not done for a while is not eat breakfast. However I woke up and genuinely just didn't feel hungry. I think after the weekend of Pizza and chips and crap, I just wanted a bit of a rest from eating... so I actually managed to make it to Canterbury before my stomach even started rumbling. I parked in a really small car park quite easily and managed to navigate to the centre without too much trouble. Not bad considering I get really anxious about driving places I've never driven before :-)

Even though it was midday, I still wasn't overly hungry so I decided to go carb-light for once and get some food from Marks and Spencers that I could easily eat. BBQ chicken, eggs and a few leaves of spinach. I felt quite full afterwards! I grabbed a cup of tea from a nearby Cafe and headed to the Cathedral which was beautiful. It cost £10.50 to go inside and I spent a good 1.5 hours in there, going into the crypt, exploring the stained glass exhibition... I love Churches and Cathedrals at the best of times but Canterbury Cathedral was stunning. I felt really relaxed walking around and the fact I've got another 3 weeks before I go to work is just... brilliant. 

After the Cathedral, I spent an hour wandering around the shops and decided I'd go on a boat ride - despite being on my own, it didn't feel weird at all and I spoke to the bloke who was rowing everyone around about the fact he used to be an I.T. Recruiter and shared war stories :-) 

I loved Canterbury and did a lot of walking - even the drive home wasn't too traumatic as despite it being rush hour, there wasn't many slow downs or problems on any of the motorways. I'm now back, having eaten a packet of ham hock from Marks and Spencers and am wondering what to do with the rest of my evening. I'm not hungry at all, but appreciate I've not eaten very much at all and I really don't want to start any fads.

I think I might go shopping tonight and buy some healthy things to eat for the next couple of days, however based on the fact I'm quite a few stone overweight and I'm not planning on continuing my low calorie / low carb eating, I'll have a bath and an early night. Tomorrow is the most exciting thing ever... Smear Test - URGH :-S

Sunday, 26 July 2015

It's not them. It's you.

This weekend has been quite eye opening.

Where do I begin? Yesterday (Saturday) was really nice. My boyfriend picked me up and we went to Lydiard Park in Swindon as they had a classic car show. Thankfully the weather was really sunny, so we were able to get there relatively quickly and enjoy a nice wander around all the classic cars. As my Boyfriend has driven a number of VW's in his life, he tends to prefer them and Audi's as they are apparently 'superior engineering', whereas I'm afraid my heart will always lie with Vauxhall - having passed my test in a Corsa, undertaken my Pass Plus in a Corsa and only owned.. yup.. Vauxhall Corsa's :-) Unfortunately, Vauxhall didn't really make much of an appearance at the show, so I had to make do with various other cars instead.

Once we'd seen all the cars, we had a look inside the house which was really nice, before heading off to find some lunch. The pub we found was really posh, however in regards to 'healthy' things, it left a lot to be desired and the best thing I could find was 'chicken and chips' - hardly going to win any awards for health, I know. The best I could do was try to not eat the chicken skin and only eat a few of the chips, however it was hard - as I was rather hungry.

We then headed to a local National Trust property which was beautiful. Ashdown House which was used as a Hunting Lodge a few hundred years ago. It's not open all the time (The house is only open on certain days from 14:00) so we managed to get there for 14:30 and enjoyed walking around the grounds and also the guided tour which only took 30 minutes - perfect for someone who has a low attention span :-)

Despite not really feeling like we'd walked very far - we had actually managed to do over 8,000 steps which was pretty awesome. Once getting back home, I had a quick cup of tea and headed down to the South Coast to see my friend. This is the friend who is having an affair with a married guy and the married guy is going on a 2.5 week cruise with his wife and children - My friend, is rather upset about this as it means no contact for over 2 weeks.... I said I'd go down and try and take her mind off things whilst trying not to judge her actions (which is hard, as I don't condone cheating in any form).

I suggested we go to a local supermarket and grab some food, however she said she was knackered from building flat pack furniture so wanted to grab a takeaway - apparently due to where she lived, we only had 2 options... Pizza, or Chinese and she said she wanted Pizza as she'd eaten a lot of Chinese in the last 2 weeks. Oh joy... More unhealthy food :-S I didn't feel I could say anything as it's her house, so said that was fine and we ordered a Texas BBQ Pizza with some potato wedges. I was trying really hard not to feel resentment towards her - I mean.. Here I am, trying really hard to be healthy, suggesting we go to a supermarket and buy some food to cook, or if we get a takeaway, maybe it could be something healthy, but healthy pizza doesn't really exist..

It was nice - don't get me wrong, but I did feel really annoyed that once again, my healthy eating plans had been thwarted. However, then I thought about it... my friend is a size 14... here she was, telling me she'd eaten 'crap' for the last 2 weeks, eating pizza with me right now... yet she's a size 14? How is that possible? I'm a size 16 and am beating myself up about it every day at the moment.. every day I put something unhealthy into my mouth, I'm feeling guilt / frustrating and embarrassment that I can't remain on my healthy eating journey.

We chatted about it, and she said that she struggles with her weight (not something she'd ever said to me before), however she said she tried to take responsibility for everything she ate and as she's 'been a pig' for the last 2 weeks, is going to be really hitting the gym hard next week and eating mostly salads. It was kind of a light bulb moment in some ways - My friends aren't the reason I'm 'failing' at healthy eating - it's not fair to 'blame' them, they're not forcing the food into my mouth and equally, I should be able to eat takeaway with them as I don't see them all the time. The main issue is when I'm at home - like I am right now.. and rather than choosing say, a healthy option, I choose to eat rubbish.. It's not them, it's me.

My friend and other friends and family prove this - they eat takeaways... eat in restaurants, post pictures on Facebook about eating massive amounts of chocolate and drinking, yet a lot of them are slimmer than me..  So it can't be something they do all the time, right? Yet, if I'm not only eating unhealthily with them, but I'm also doing it at home.. that's all my body is getting... so it's not them, it's me who needs to sort this out.

It was a lovely night with my friend and it's been a lovely day with my friends as well. Despite going to a cafe for breakfast this morning (Full English - Didn't eat all the bread, nor the sausage and asked for things to be grilled, not fried) when she suggested icecream, I suggested frozen yoghurt and we got a 'Snog' instead (That's what the frozen yoghurt company is called, odd, huh? I'd never heard of it before!) We could choose whatever toppings we wanted, so I chose some blueberries... much healthier than Ice cream :-)  We then headed back to hers to watch 'The Woman in Black 2' and she told me she had loads of suits that were a size 16 that were too big for her and did I want them?

Wow... it's awesome. I'm now in the possession of 3 full suits, 3 suit jackets and 3 pairs of trousers... whilst most are a size 16, there's 2 pairs of 14 trousers which I can actually do up! However they are TIGHT, so I'm not kidding myself about my size. My friend said 'have the lot' as they were just in her wardrobe gathering dust - It was really nice of her so I'm thinking of sending her a massive bunch of flowers to say thankyou, that should cheer her up a bit and also show her that I really do appreciate it - The suits are not cheap... so I imagine it's over £500 of clothes easily!

I'm now back home, incredibly tired as I didn't sleep very well at my friends house. I slept in her lounge, on the floor as her sofa is quite short and my back couldn't cope with the fact my whole body wasn't lying straight. Unfortunately it was really hot in her lounge and her 3 cats were making a lot of noise most of the night so I think I got about 3 hours sleep, tops :-S Dinner tonight is a quorn pesto and mozerella escalope with some steamed veg and I'm just about to make it now before probably having an early night.

Thankfully, there's no work for me tomorrow, so I'm not worried about not sleeping tonight :-)

Saturday, 25 July 2015

I'm an idiot

Only a brief one as I'm off out in a few moments.

Yesterday was pretty dire in regards to the weather. I had planned to go to a nearby National Trust property and walk around all the gardens and lakes - I'd worked out that this would have taken a good hour or so and I'd have done about 3 miles of walking. Due to the rain, I sat on my arse inside and mostly watched TV all day. 

I did do something interesting.. I went out and bought food - However it wasn't healthy food, it was biscuits and potato wedges... Hardly the worst crime of the century, however where has my Mojo gone and why am I reverting back to what I have always done? 

I saw my gastric band friend last night and she had bought over a number of size 16 suits for me to try on - despite her being a lot shorter than me, she hadn't taken any of the suits up in length as 'They were too big for her within weeks', which is amazing for her - she asked if I wanted to try them on, before she sold them on eBay. It was really nice of her and I tried all of them on. Sadly they are all 'skinny' suits and I tend to prefer bootcut or wide leg so they didn't look overly nice on me - equally, a couple of the suits were tight, so I need to stop kidding myself that I'm close to getting my arse into a size 14 - that will happen, but it needs me to stop eating rubbish.

Then we went out - My friend suggested curry and I said 'sure'... I haven't had a curry in ages, but despite trying to choose the healthy options, I completely failed and had a keema naad bread with a lamb korma - I think that's probably THE most unhealthy option you can choose and whilst it was nice... I just feel really frustrated with myself this morning. This isn't helping me reach my goal, this isn't helping me fit back into nice clothes and this is going to mean once again, that I'm playing Russian roulette with my jeans which is something I have no desire to go back to.

I've got another 3 weeks off work - something I know would make a lot of people jealous and I'm sitting on the sofa, eating rubbish.... It's really embarrassing. 

I don't have anything unhealthy in my house, so it's all eating out and I need to try and stop it. I'm worried as I'm staying over another friends house tonight and have no idea if she wants to order Take away... I think it's times like these that are the only times I genuinely do want to hide away from the world and scream 'No, no more food!' however life revolves around it...

I could have updated my Blog yesterday, but I felt really embarrassed - How is someone going to feel reading this if they want to become motivated to eat healthily? I know I'm pretty blunt and lack empathy sometimes.. I think I'd be screaming and wanting to bang my head against the wall 'Just stop eating crap, you idiot!' Well..yeah.. that's it really, isn't it?  I guess by acknowledging that this is a journey and there are bound to be fuck ups along the way helps - the question is, how big a fuck up this is.

So far, I've just had 2 poached eggs on wholemeal bread... No butter and nothing else. I'm hoping I can find something healthy to eat for lunch with my Boyfriend and we'll have to see about tonight. If I can veto Pizza, Chinese and Indian, I may be able to find something that's moderately OK and come back tomorrow and either go for a massive long walk or even venture to the gym. 

I'm not going to give up, but I am going to try and get through the next 24 hours before trying to be more active and not eating complete rubbish that's bad for my body.

Thursday, 23 July 2015

Can you poach an egg?

I think I've eaten 'normally' today...

Breakfast: 2 poached eggs on 2 slices of toast
Lunch: Salted beef bagel
Dinner: Wagamamas beef massumum curry
Snacks: No snacks today

Today has been as crazy busy as Monday and Tuesday this week. I've just got back after spending over 13 hours away from the house and I'm KNACKERED.... 

I certainly think my body is un-learning how to get up at 7:00am every morning which is usually something that only happens at Christmas time. Getting up at 8:00am this morning was painful, however as I was seeing my Mother, it was something that had to be done. Shower... nice cup of tea and breakfast, which today was a couple of poached eggs on toast, rather than my porridge as I just fancied a change. No spread as once you've mashed the egg up, I don't think it needs it.

I always found the saying 'So and So is terrible at cooking, they can't even boil an egg' rather odd, as I find boiling (and poaching for that matter) an egg much harder than say, making a shepherds pie or even making a quiche / curry from scratch. Eggs seem to be a lot, well.. trickier? However, despite the technical difficulty that eggs present to me, I managed to handle it quite well and after munching both slices, headed off for a nice Mother-Daughter day.

After arriving at my parents house, I had a nice cup of tea with my Mum and admired her work in the garden. My Mother loves gardening, as do I - so she was very happy to show me around and talk about all the new flowers she's been putting in the boarders. Looking around, I heard a rustling in one of the flower beds and on closer inspection it turned out to be a HedgeHog! I'm not sure what Mr (or Ms!) Hedgehog was doing during the day time as I thought they were supposed to be asleep... However they looked in good health, so we left them alone in peace. My Mother was rather chuffed to know there was a Hedgehog in the garden as she loves animals like me :-)

Today, my Mother and I went to Great Chalfield Manor which was an absolutely beautiful National Trust property in Wiltshire. Neither myself or my Mother had ever been before so it was lovely to wander round the gardens and also have a guided tour of the house. It's the type of architecture I love - Gothic style :-) After a lovely couple of hours, we headed back into Devizes where we got some lunch at 'The Bistro'. I'd read some really good reviews on Trip Advisor, so wanted to see if they were true. I chose a salted beef bagel and my mother went for a chicken wrap - both were absolutely gorgeous and it was nice just sitting by the window, chatting and watching the world go by.

We did notice some amazing looking deserts walk past us, but both of us were feeling really full so decided not to partake.... After lunch, we went to a local antique auction house - I'd never been to this one before, but we saw the signs when we drove past, so thought we may as well go and have a look - bad mistake (or good, depending on how you look at it) as there are some really beautiful antiques in the form of Oak Coffers... My favourite! Currently I'm unsure as to whether to place an absent bid on them, only because I really don't have anywhere to put them.... but, but.. they're so nice!

My Mum asked if I could drive her to Lidl so she could pick up a few bits and bobs - I haven't been into Lidl for ages and I have to say, I was really impressed with the fruit and veg. I think it's just a familiarity thing that I always shop in Tescos / Sainsburys, even though there's a Lidl pretty close to where I live. I think the thing I was the most impressed with, is the fact that all the chicken had 'The red tractor assurance logo on it - and so did all the meat I saw. I like the fact that despite the difference in price, there still seems to be responsibility on farming animals, something I'm quite passionate about.

I think I might try and do my shopping at Lidl for the next few weeks and see how I get on - I think the only things I might need to go elsewhere for, are Cherry Pepsi max and potentially Dove deodorant and Heinz salad cream.. Those are probably the only brands that I'm really loyal to.. anything else, I'm happy to try :-) 

After getting back to my parents house, I headed off to see my Drama Friend. It was really nice to catch up and we went to Wagamamas for dinner. I decided to try something different, so went for the beef massumum curry. Not the most healthy choice, but I didn't have any sides, nor pudding, so... Yeah, it doesn't feel like I've been a total piggy. To be honest however, it wasn't actually that nice so I don't think I'd have it again - Maybe I'll try something different next time.....

Drama Friend is good - more drama with men, however she's actually decided to go and talk to someone as she has finally admitted that some of her stalking tendencies aren't necessarily healthy. This is a major breakthrough and I'm really chuffed she's going to talk to a professional. She has admitted that she doesn't trust men, and as such, checks what they are doing constantly... checks for texts every 2 minutes and see's when they have last logged onto dating sites - even if she's not that interested in them as she's already expecting them to lie to her.... I certainly don't know the root cause, but hopefully the counsellor will be able to help.

After we finished dinner, we headed to a local bar for a few drinks - I was on Diet Coke as was driving home, whereas she drank a lot of red wine as lived locally so could walk home. Come 10:00pm... I headed home as I was knackered and here I am... back home and all ready for bed :-)

Wednesday, 22 July 2015

Where does the day go?

Today I think I've had my first taste of proper 'time off'

Breakfast: Oats so simple Golden Syrup Porridge
Lunch: Pitta bread, ham, raw pepper and cherry tomatoes
Dinner: Slow cooked beef with roasted vegetables
Snacks: Bakewell tart nakd bar

Unlike the last two days that have been totally crazy, today has been really chilled however I just haven't had time to be bored... I didn't get to bed until midnight last night as went to the pub with my boyfriend and two of his friends. Unfortunately they (they're a couple) seem to be going through some rough times at the moment, so I've invited his female friend to spend a few hours at my house on Friday, just for a change of scenery and for some nice cups of tea if she is so inclined :-)

Not getting up until 9:00am today was interesting as I'm usually up and about much earlier - I didn't eat breakfast until 10:00am. I was going to eat porridge with raspberries but despite them 'apparently' not going off for another 2 days, there was already mould growing on them... Thanks Sainsburys :-( I have to say though, I've never seen this type of mould before, it almost looks as if the raspberries are growing a beard. After a bit of Googling, it looks like it's mucor mould - Niiiiiiiice. 

After breakfast, I thought I'd laze around on the sofa for a few hours. However.. by 10:30 I was bored (as per usual) so decided I'd be productive by hoovering behind my sofa and putting my massive antique mirror behind my sofa, rather than keep it propped up against my glass cabinet in my living room.

I met my Boyfriend for lunch as he's been working from home today and we went to a local coffee shop. Unfortunately due to the weather, it looks like we're not going to be able to do a BBQ tonight, so he's got a joint of meet and is currently slow cooking it - I'm going to try and stick as closely as possible to what I was planning on eating however, so will eat some meat with lots of roasted vegetables, rather than do the BBQ'd vegetables on skewers. For lunch, I also changed my mind slightly - so it was pita bread, tomatoes, pepper but I had some ham, rather than some houmous. Looks quite nice, I think and it tasted nice as well :-)

After lunch, I watched another episode of 'The Last Ship', the post apocalyptic zombie US series before deciding to continue my Hoover adventure and attack under my bed - another place I've not hoovered for over a year and boy, could I see it! I also changed one of my pictures on the wall - I had a painting of Bluebells on my living room wall for the last 1.5 years, however decided I'd change it for the forest scene that I bought in Devon at the weekend... I think it's lovely, but appreciate everyone's taste is different.

Despite not really going anywhere today, I still think I've been relatively productive with all the cleaning - I have had to empty my hoover TWICE, so that means I really should hoover behind things more often - I guess it's just finding the time normally? Tomorrow I'm off to see my Mum and spend a really nice day with her, before seeing my Drama friend, which will no doubt be.. dramatic :-) 

Tuesday, 21 July 2015

What really matters to you in life?

Having had time to think about things, I'm working out what's important in my life.

Breakfast: Oats so Simple porridge with a handful of raspberries
Lunch: Jacket potato with beans and salad
Dinner: Roast turkey breast with rosemary roasted new potatoes and steamed carrots and brocoli
Snacks: Noooooo snacks today :-)

Today I've had a lovely time, spending most of it with one of my sisters. She arrived last night and slept over and today we've spent most of our time visiting various antiques shops in Surrey, drinking tea and attempting to go to a National Trust property.

After eating porridge with raspberries for breakfast and washing it down with a nice cup of tea, my sister and I left home and got to our first antiques shop at just after 10:30. The Bourne Mill Antiques Centre is absolutely huge - over 40 rooms of 'things' which you could seriously spend a few hours wandering around if you're majorly into antiques. Thankfully we managed to wander round in just over an hour and as it was nearing lunch time we ordered some lunch in the cafe that's part of the shop as well. If you've read my Blog from a couple of days ago, you'll know I am really trying to refocus my healthy eating after a couple of days of eating crap, therefore I'm hyper-sensitive about what I'm putting into my body, simply because before, if I ate unhealthy things I'd think 'Well, I've failed, so I may as well continue eating unhealthy things' and I'd go back to old habits.

Looking at the menu, there was one thing that looked the most healthy, a good old spud - Rather than have it with bacon and cheese like my darling sister, I opted for beans - Wow.. there were a lot of beans. It was absolutely lovely and listening to my body, I actually didn't finish it all as I felt really full. Once we'd eaten, we headed off to another antiques place nearby - The Packhouse antiques centre (less than 10 minutes drive, Hurrah!). I hadn't been there for a while, however they seem to have redone it and it seems to be a lot bigger and have a lot more things in there - perfect for my sister, as she's really into 'Shabby chic' which is probably as far removed from my taste as you can get, still... we had a nice time chatting as we walked round :-)

Then it was off to the third antique place - The Antiques Warehouse, which is again, less than 10 minutes drive. Unfortunately, despite going to three places with amazing antiques, there was nothing that 'floated my boat'. Probably a good thing as I don't get paid for another week and all of this socialising is certainly denting my bank balance :-( Once done, we planned to go to Clandon House which is a beautiful house in Surrey. What we didn't realise was, a massive fire had completely gutted the house in April 2015, so when we turned up, we couldn't get in. Despite it being closed, we actually managed to find our way into the car park and walk around some of the public footpaths nearby which I really enjoyed as it was a lovely sunny day and despite all the walking around antique shops, I prefer being outside wherever possible.

Poor Clandon House looked really sad with all the cranes and workmen - I really hope it can be restored as it no doubt looked amazing before the fire. 

Spending today with my sister and catching up with life has been lovely - Really, really nice. The difference not being at work has made to my mental state is really profound. Rather than dedicating 50% of my thought process to 'What do I need to do at work tomorrow?' or even, 'Is my Boss really planning on sacking me?' I can devote 100% of my attention to my sister, the beautiful surroundings and just enjoying the lovely weather. I think at the moment, my relationships with family, friends and my Boyfriend are one of the most important things in my life at the moment - looking back in retrospect over the last few months, all of them have been so supportive to me and I really want to strengthen my bonds with all of them.

Equally, I want to continue my healthy eating - not just to change how I look, but also to get my body as ready as possible for being a Mother. In Devon, my Boyfriend and I talked about children again and I think it's pretty clear we're going to start trying to have children in the next few months - even before we buy a house. If it happens, it happens, if it doesn't.. there won't be as much pressure on things.... I would like to eat more healthy simply because I'd like to think I'd be carrying a baby in a more healthy body, which can't be a bad thing, surely?

Dinner was an absolutely amazing BBQ Turkey steak I bought from Sainsburys and I topped it off with some steamed vegetables and roasted baby potatoes. One thing I don't think I've ever mentioned is how I roast my potatoes. Having read the book ' The diet myth' by Tim Spector which details all the different types of oil, I threw away my virgin olive oil and actually use extra virgin olive oil - as 'extra virgin' as you can get. I don't use spray oil, simply because I don't like the taste, however I only use a drop and then toss the potatoes around in a small roasting tray. They taste amazing and they're certainly not dripping in oil :-)

Tomorrow is my most chilled day, I think - I don't have a lot on, so I'm going to see what I can plan once I get up in the morning.... 

Monday, 20 July 2015

Only buying healthy things in the supermarket

So far, things are looking good!

My first 'official;' day of garden leave and I think I've been more mentally busy than I have been for the last few weeks whilst at work. After getting up, I stuck a load of washing on and planned out what I would be eating for the next few days - I really don't want to give up on my healthy eating so I was thinking that if I meal planned, I would know what to get in the supermarket and it would be easier to stay on track if I knew what I'd be eating for the next few days.

Well, my shopping trip was incredibly successful. I managed to get a whole lot of fruit and vegetables and precisely 0 snacks at all. In fact, the only 'additional' thing that I bought was for lunch today and I was incredibly proud of the fact that I'd found it! What's that? Butter nut squash dip.. Hurrah! I loved the Butter nut squash and sweet potato dip that Marks and Spencers used to do, however they stupidly decided to discontinue it a few weeks ago, much to the chagrin of my lovely vegan friend and myself. Having had it for lunch with a raw pepper and pita bread, I have to say it's rather nice and with less than 6g of fat per 100g of the stuff, I'm certainly going to be eating a lot of it in the future - I just hope Sainsburys don't decide to discontinue it was well!

As I really don't want to sit on my arse for the next 4 weeks watching random TV. I decided to head off to another National Trust property and go to Hinton Ampner. I've been before so I knew it wasn't a massive property, but I could easily spend an hour or so walking around and admiring the antiques in the house. As it wasn't the best weather in the world today I also thought it wouldn't matter too much if I had to cut my visit short as it was within an hours drive of my house.

I think I made the right choice as it turns out that only the bottom floor of the house was open as there is construction work being done on the roof. Due to all the scaffolding, the house doesn't look as grand as it did before, however I guess it's a necessary evil and once done, the roof will be a lot better :-) The gardens were still beautifully done and I actually decided to wander down a footpath for 1/2 a mile or so in the fields, opposite to the property.All in all, I'm glad I went out and about, rather than staying in.

As news of my leaving the company spread round my ex-colleagues (my Boss sent an email just after lunch, telling everyone I had left), I was inundated with emails and Facebook friend requests which was really, really touching. I spent a good hour replying to people and was trying to balance telling them 'the truth', without coming across as bitter. Once again, it was really, really nice to read some of the complimentary things that all of my ex-colleagues were writing and stops me asking myself 'Was it me? Was I crap at my job?' evidently a lot of people don't seem to think so :-)

Tonight my lovely non-work friend and I are going to watch 4 episodes of  'Judge Geordie' and I've cooked her a Whole roasted cauliflower which turned out really, really well - whether you're a meat eater or not, I'd certainly recommend it. Yum! One of my sisters turned up tonight and we spent a lovely hour at the pub with my boyfriend and now we're off to bed so we can spend a lovely day together tomorrow :-)

So yes... Been 100% committed to my healthy eating and feeling really awesome! :-)