How to get more body confidence?

I'd like to think that one day, I really won't worry about what I look like to other people

Breakfast: Porridge

Lunch: Large salad buffet

Dinner: Haddock in a tomato and basil sauce

Snacks: No snacks today

Yesterday ended up being more random than I thought it would be. After seeing my counsellor for my usual Tuesday 5pm appointment, we got onto the subject of jealousy and I mentioned that I find it hard to 'accept' the fact that my Boyfriend finds other women attractive. It's a totally human (and natural) thing and certainly doesn't mean he's going to run off with someone else - But due to the fact I am still not happy with how I look, it almost feels as if I compare myself to whoever he finds attractive and 100% of the time, feel I'm not as sexy / beautiful / gorgeous as the 'other woman' - I feel I should point out, that my Boyfriend has never, ever mentioned another woman.. He's so respectful, but even when he's around other women, I always worry 'Does he find them attractive? Does he prefer them over me?'

I'd like to think I've got a little bit of self awareness - at least enough to appreciate the fact that it's not a healthy mindset and whilst I believe I 'control' it quite well (I don't control anything my Boyfriend does, he spends time with both women and men... I don't constantly question him on anything etc) It would be much better for me and my head if I didn't feel so unattractive.

These thoughts were in my head today as I went to the Spa. I've been going to Nirvana Spa near Reading for the past... 5? 6 years and I still remember the first time I went - I bought myself a Birthday present and decided to go on my own which was a massive thing for me as I used to find it really scary to do things on my own.

Nirvana is amazing - I still love it. The people are lovely and friendly, the whole place is really clean and despite me having a massively low attention span, I can quite happily spend hours in there, just wandering around from the steam room, to the sauna, to the various pools....  However, the first time I went, I was petrified of wearing a swimming costume as I thought everyone would look at me and judge. I can't have been more than a size 18, but I felt like the fattest and ugliest person on the planet. So, rather than thinking 'Fuck it'... I didn't wear a swimming costume. I just wonder my underwear and a fluffy bathrobe which I kept wrapped tightly around me all day.

This meant I couldn't use 90% of the facilities - Think of it... you pay a LOT of money for a day and you only use 10% of things, e.g. 'the chairs' because you're so worried about what you look like to others. Despite that, I still had a lovely day, but when I decided to become a member, I made up my mind to actually use the facilities and try not to worry about wearing a swimming costume in front of others. The next time I went, I did wear a swimming costume, however even that wasn't straight forward as I worried about how I'd change in the changing room... Would they have a spare cubicle? Would people look?

I ended up doing what I used to do for school, which was wear my swimming costume under my clothes, drive to the Spa and then just take my clothes off - Hey presto.. instant swimming costume. I was still petrified when I took my robe off, my hands and arms automatically wrapping around my stomach and me sucking my stomach in so I wouldn't look 'so fat' to anyone else.

Needless to say, I saw precisely 0 people look at me or pay me any attention at all. Literally... Noone gasped at how huge I was, noone batted an eyelid when I wobbled to any of the pools.. It was as if I fitted in, or at the very least, didn't offend anyone else with what I looked like. Women who were a lot bigger than me didn't seem to have the same thought process - I don't know why but I was actually amazed to see ladies bigger than me, looking perfectly happy to go swimming, wander around without a massive fluffy robe on and even get naked in the changing room. How can they have such brilliant confidence, yet I feel so freakish?

I think it makes a big difference where you are and who you're with - Today at the spa, I had a massage that involved wearing nothing but a pair of paper pants. 5 years ago, I'd have been absolutely terrified at the thought of anyone seeing me in nothing but a pair of pants (even my Boyfriend), however as the Spa therapists are so nice, friendly and non-judging, every time I've been, I've relaxed more. Equally, as noone has ever stared at me or made any horrible comments, I feel safe and I don't feel like I have to cover up as I'm not going to be judged. I wonder if this is why there are so many women only gyms? So you can work out and not feel like you need to cover up in 5 layers just so people don't judge you?

I certainly don't think I've got all the answers, nor do I think I'll wake up one morning and be all like 'Yeah, I'm confident, yeaaaaaah', or anything like that. However I do hope that as I lose weight, my confidence will increase, I also think that if I surround myself with supportive people and make a concious choice to be in environments where I'm not going to be judged for my size, I'll feel more confident about being 'me' and less worried about fitting in...

After the most amazing time at the Spa, I saw my Boyfriend and I cooked him a really, really nice haddock dinner - I think we both enjoyed it, perhaps I did more than him as I was cooking from scratch and I always really enjoy doing that. It really didn't take long and turned out really delicious - it was low carb, so that satisfied him and was also healthy and filling, so satisfied me as well :-) After a really nice chat on the sofa, we headed out to the pub for a quite drink and now I'm back, sitting on the sofa, watching 'Tattoo Fixers' and writing this blog.

Tomorrow I'm meeting a professional person who interviewed me for a job, but I didn't accept it. Despite this, we got on really well and I suggested we go for lunch as it would be nice to know as many nice, friendly and professional people in my industry as possible. He suggested I pick a restaurant, so I'm going to try my best to pick somewhere healthy for lunch :-)

Enjoying the sun whilst it lasts

I am utterly knackered :-)

Breakfast: Oats so Simple Golden Syrup Porridge
Lunch: Marks and Spencers BBQ Chicken, Honey roast Ham, Chilli smoked salmon with a handful of plum tomatoes
Dinner: BBQ lamp chop with roast potatoes, steamed carrots and peas
Snacks: No snacks today :-)

Unfortunately I wasn't able to see my Drama friend last night. She had a meeting in London so was coming back on the tube - Severe delays meant she was out of contact and I had no idea what was happening. After waiting for her for an hour, I texted her a 'Hope you're OK mate - let me know' text and headed back home. Thankfully she was fine, just rather pissed off at being so late and not being able to tell me all her 'Goss'. I'm sure that will happen soon enough as we've arranged to see each other in a couple of weeks time.

Saturday has shaped up rather nicely so far - As I'm a numpty, I forgot to defrost one of my kippers and as such, had to eat porridge for breakfast. I'll be honest, I'm actually getting bored of porridge now - there, I said it, I am rather bored of porridge, so I'm going to really try and find other healthy things to eat in the morning. I don't think porridge will work for me in my new job as there's no kitchen - It's a massive glass skyscraper in London so it's very corporate.

After 'boring porridge', I logged onto the Riverford website and cancelled my subscription for the time being. Unfortunately the heat seems to be making the veg go off so quickly - After I got home last night, both the lettuce and greens were brown. The lettuce was brown and shrivelled and the greens were putrefying. I don't blame Riverford as they seem to genuinely want to provide quality to their customers, however as I've had to throw away two of the things and the rest are already looking like they'll go off within 24-48 hours, it's just not proving cost effective at the moment. I can't eat a whole box of veg within 2 days! It's a shame, but I'll look at re-starting in the Autumn, where the weather isn't as hot and I can make stews and more hearty soups.

It was another beautiful day today, so less clothes were needed. As it's the weekend, I don't need to wear a shirt and therefore the 'fat pants' don't usually make an appearance. Thing is, all my strappy tops are tight fitting and therefore if I don't wear fat pants, I have a tummy bulge. It's just my brain, but I really hate looking at myself when I don't have a flat stomach, I hate it - it's a massive 'thing' for me. I opted for a black strappy top and jeans, however I also put a light cardigan on as well - firstly, to cover the tops of my arms as I believe they are really, really fat and secondly, to provide me with some 'tummy cover' so I can wrap it around my middle when I sit down and it doesn't draw attention to my tyres. It's going to be so nice when I don't have to think like that, but it will take time to change how my body looks and also it will take time to change how my mind thinks about my body.

I know I don't look massive, but I don't look slim - and for me, that's important. My ideal is to be able to wear size 14 clothes and not have to suck my tummy in or wear additional clothes over the top of things as I feel self concious. I will never be a Super model and quite frankly, I don't actually want that - I'd just like to feel confident about what I wear. 

My Boyfriend picked me up at 11:00am and we headed to The Lavender Fields near Alton as they were having an open day, where you could go and wander around the fields and learn about 'All things Lavender'. We'd passed it before and I said I wanted to go, however my Boyfriend was less than enthused as he said it would just smell like 'Old Grannies' nevertheless, he relented and for £3, we ended up wandering around the Lavender fields and learning about all the different types. I never knew there were so many different ones - I thought there were maybe 2-3, but no... there are lots, lots more. 

It started getting rather hot, so after 45 minutes, we decided we'd head to the nearby Alton Farmers market, buy some lunch and then go to a National Trust property. We go to a lot of Farmers Markets and usually spot the same producers at different ones. This time, we bought some lamp chops for tonights dinner as well as some plum tomatoes and a rather large tomato for tonight. Unfortunately, there was nothing healthy that we could really eat for dinner - only pies, quiches, hog roast rolls... All incredibly tasty, but not something that either of us wanted to eat.

So unfortunately we ended up at an old faithful - Marks and Spencers... I would have done my usual, however being out and about, I wasn't able to cut up any peppers or cucumber and whilst M&S do sell 'crudities', despite me finding some pots on special offer, over 50% of the pots were filled with the Devils food - that's right.. celery :-( I have mentioned before how much I hate the stuff and I'm still refusing to eat anything I genuinely don't like in the quest to be more healthy, so nope.. I didn't buy it in the end. 

Lunch therefore consisted of a lot of meat - not the ideal for me, but low in both fat and calories and as long as it's not a typical lunch, I'm fine with it. I didn't just eat random meats, I also supplemented it with a large handful of plum tomatoes, so got some vitamins as well :-)

With lunch done, we headed more South and went to Petworth House, another National Trust property. Neither of us had been there before and were pleasantly impressed. It costs a fair whack if you're not National Trust members (£14.50 each) however you could certainly spend a good few hours wandering around both the house and the gardens if you chose to. We didn't know it - however there was also a fun fair in the grounds which had both classic cars and a dog show. There were also a lot of stalls to buy things from and do various tombolas etc - My Boyfriend likes cars, so we sat down and watched the end of the classic car show, where they all drove around in a circle whilst the chap with the microphone was telling us all about them.

The sun was beating down quite heavily so we didn't spend more than an hour outside as it was getting quite unbearable with no shade, so we headed back to the house, grabbed a drink from the cafe and started looking around the house. The house was huge and incredibly well presented. Both of us were like, 'WOW' when we went into a massive room absolutely full of paintings and not just any old paintings, but paintings by the very famous artist - J.M.W Turner. I can't say either of us are particularly art-inclined, however I think we can both appreciate talent and the paintings were absolutely beautiful.

However, no matter how amazing paintings are, I still think my heart will lie with antique furniture, so wandering around the house, looking at all the beautiful examples of various period furniture is something I've always enjoyed. Despite it being a Saturday, I think most people were outside enjoying the sun and the fair, so it was really quiet, bonus! After a good hour or so, we decided to head off, grab a few bits and bobs from Tescos on the way back and am now sat on the sofa, watching random TV.

In an hour, we're going to head to my Boyfriends house to BBQ the lamb chops we bought from the Farmers Market and enjoy an hour or two outside in his garden. Tomorrow I'm seeing my sister and 'the sprog' (My 2 year old niece) and I am sure her Idiot Husband will be there (another interesting individual I'll blog about when I have time). 

Staying motivated to eat healthy - didn't even eat an icecream today, despite the amazing weather!