Tuesday, 29 September 2015

I've been looking forward to this all day

Sleeping in until 8:30am is usually unheard of for me

However I definitely needed it and felt a lot better for sleeping for a long time (although I still woke up to go to the toilet during the night!). Today has been incredibly productive, both in work and in my personal life which always makes me feel happy as I like feeling like I've achieved something.

Breakfast was another Soreen malt loaf breakfast bar and at 11:00am I had a banana - Rock and Roll! I didn't know what I wanted for lunch, however when I drove to Tescos, I had a big craving for scrambled eggs on toast, so that's what I went for - with a little ketchup on the top, it was lovely! I then managed to phone up the Bank and sort out another savings account (so I can start saving money as I won't be entitled to maternity pay from my company) and then phoned up the storage company and confirmed a storage Unit from 1st November onwards... The boxes I ordered from eBay turned up shortly after that, so I was happily packing things up, in preparation for moving in with my Boyfriend.

Work wasn't too bad either, considering I was working from home - I had quite a few phone conferences, however they all went fine and I managed to crack on with a few things which was good. 

Then came the meeting I'd been looking forward to for the last 3 weeks - seeing my counsellor. I didn't mention 3 weeks ago, however I turned up to my regular appointment and she wasn't there - it totally and utterly threw me and I was very upset, whilst the logical explanation was that she got the dates I was on holiday mixed up, I couldn't help thinking that maybe she didn't like the fact I said I wasn't happy being pregnant and had decided not to see me any more, or, God forbid.. something had happened to her. 

Nope, it was just the fact she had got the dates mixed up, but I was really upset as wanted to talk to her about the Midwifes appointment and how I was feeling. As I then went on holiday, I hadn't seen her for 3 weeks and it was really good to talk about everything - About how I feel, how scared I am, how worried I am about losing control of my body, putting on weight, things changing - It's just terrifying really. 

Having someone who doesn't judge you, who listens and doesn't tell you how you should feel is really good - especially at the moment. She seemed to understand I was scared and petrified about the thought of a vaginal birth and said that she could understand why I didn't feel I could go through with it. She also said that maybe it would get worse, before it gets better, but it will get better at some point. I'd certainly like to think so - It's not going to be 9 months of feeling like this, surely?

She also said that it's a shock... I started off this year dreading my wisdom teeth removal.. got over that.. had a great job I enjoyed, then I started getting bullied at work... then I changed jobs... and now, 9 months later, I find myself just under 2 months pregnant. Life never stays still, does it? If I took today on its own, I'd be like 'Yeaaah, this is fine, I can do this for 7 months' as I've not been feeling too sick or tired, however I'm just waiting for my mood to flip and feel like crap again.... 

One thing that did make me happy today was my dinner - A baked sweet potato with lots of beans and coleslaw - EPIC DINNER! I don't know why, but I've been looking forward to this all day and it was absolutely perfect, I managed to eat quite a lot of it and not feel sick at all :-) 

Tomorrow night I'm seeing my drama friend which should be nice as I've not seen her for a while actually. Not sure what we'll do in regards for dinner, but I'm sure it will be something nice :-)

Monday, 28 September 2015

Routine in pregnancy

So back at work with only slight jet lag

I didn't sleep overly well last night to be honest. I got very tearful when I said goodbye to my boyfriend yesterday and ended up getting quite upset and tearful and felt quite alone. I did try to phone one of my sisters, but sadly she didn't pick up the phone so ended up trying to go to sleep and not worry about things. I did manage to sleep, however kept waking up every 1-2 hours and then I was fixated on actually 'getting some sleep' before I needed to go to work and then started worrying about the fact I wasn't sleeping!

When I got up at 6:20, I was pretty knackered, however felt better after having a shower and felt pretty good about the fact my work trousers didn't feel tighter. I don't know why, but it's one thing I was dreading - not being able to wear them or at the very least, them feeling a lot tighter. 

Breakfast was a small malt loaf breakfast bar - Soreen seem to have a new product out and it's actually really nice. I ate that with a small cup of tea and that filled me up perfectly. I had a snack at 11:00 which was a small bag of Sainsburys jumbo cranberries and raisins and then for lunch, I had a salad. Unfortunately I wasn't able to finish the salad as within 10 minutes, my stomach started rumbling and I felt I needed to go to the toilet - I don't know what my stomach thought was wrong with the salad but let's just say it didn't stay in my tummy for very long!

I also started feeling more and more sick throughout the day, I kept thinking to myself 'Don't throw up, you're not going to suffer from Morning Sickness, don't be silly'. I managed to get the train home and then drive back to my house before feeling really sick - as soon as I got in the house I ran upstairs to the toilet and tried to throw up, only for nothing to come up! I actually felt a lot better after that and oddly, I've felt OK the entire night.

Even though I'd spent 10 days straight with my Boyfriend, he came round tonight as well and we just spent the evening watching random TV which included more 'Grand Designs' and a documentary about the KKK (It's really sad that people still have such racist views), Dinner tonight was really nice BBQ turkey breast with rosemary roast potatoes and steamed broccoli and cauliflower. It was really, really nice and I felt really happy eating the veg. Tomorrow I'm already lusting after a baked sweet potato with beans and coleslaw so if I get to crave 'healthy' things, I guess that's a plus?

In regards to how I'm feeling about the pregnancy - I'm feeling OK today. I think going back to work and back to my 'routine' helped a lot and took my mind off things. It's just another day that I can remind myself that pregnancy is a slow process.. it's not as if tomorrow I'll wake up and have a baby. However I am still struggling with my thoughts and they're still not 'happy'. I have been posting on an online forum where the ladies have been really, really supportive and non-judgemental. I do think that online forums can be pretty horrible places sometimes, however when you write an honest post and get some really thoughtful and helpful responses, it makes a massive difference - Especially when they reply with 'I feel the same way' or 'You're not a freak'.

Tomorrow I get to see my counsellor - the first time in 3 weeks and I've never been looking forward to seeing her so much in my life! Partly because I want to talk to her about what's been happening with me in the last 3 weeks and partly because on Thursday I have my filling - my first ever filling and not only that.... it means an injection in my mouth :-( I feel OK about it at the moment as I trust my Dentist and have been seeing her for years, however I think in the next 48 hours I'll start feeling more and more nervous about it..... However, it's 'only' an injection... I'll be OK... deep breath and all that! 

Sunday, 27 September 2015

Back home

Well, I'm back home, sat on the sofa with my laptop

The last couple of days of our holiday were amazing - the best day was when we went to the Isla de Mujeres and the Isla de Contoy. Before getting to the Isla de Contoy we went snorkling on a reef and it was just stunning. As I have said before, I'm very uncomfortable wearing a swimming costume in front of strangers - especially when most of them are a size 8 / 10 and incredibly attractive women. However this was something I really wanted to do and I'm so glad I did. My boyfriend and I saw so many different kinds of fish, it was something else! We actually talked about doing 'proper' scuba diving and getting our diving qualification in the future. I'd like to do it now, however I don't think you're able to do that if you're pregnant.

The Isla de Contoy was absolutely beautiful - Only 200 people per day are allowed to visit and not only did we see lots and lots of Iguanas, we also saw some lovely Frigate birds and loads of hermit crabs - I've never seen so many hermit crabs walking across the sand... I love nature and this trip didn't disappoint. 

Unfortunately we did get rather sunburnt on our backs so we spent that night putting 'after sun' on each other! I also started feeling more and more sick so my diet has rapidly dwindled to things that I feel I can eat that won't make me sick. Thankfully, I've not actually been sick so far, but I'm mostly eating fruit and bland foods (although tonight I made my healthy fish and chips which tasted lovely).

On the last day, we had to check out by 11am and then decided to wander around the main shopping centre of Cancun, rather than wait for our taxi. Unfortunately it was raining very heavily so once we'd done all the shopping we wanted, we decided to go into the main marine aquarium and look at all the beautiful fish - after that, it was back to the hotel, taxi to the airport and the 'fun' 9 hour flight back to Gatwick. Unfortunately, our plan was delayed by an hour.... so we got back this morning at 11:30am - I really can't sleep well on public transport of any kind, especially when it's a plane and there's a massive amount of turbulence so I'm rather knackered at the moment.

Thankfully the lovely taxi driver I've employed before to take me to and from the airport for work, was on time as usual so he drove us back home where we did our own washing and my Boyfriend came round to my house to pick me up so we could do some food shopping. We then basically vegged out on the sofa all afternoon watching 2 episodes of 'Hunted' and 'Grand Designs'... Hurrah!

I then started feeling really emotional again as the sickness feeling came back and burst into tears, telling my Boyfriend that I hated being pregnant as I just felt so down. There's nothing he could say, so he just cuddled me, however knowing that this will pass, would be great as at the moment I'm just feeling so up and down still. 

Tomorrow I go back to work which I'm not overly looking forward to, however a necessary evil, I'm afraid. After the food shop, I have a lot of really healthy food and nothing at all that's not protein, fruit and veg (or malt loaf as for some reason, that's my current breakfast of choice). I'm hoping tomorrow won't be too harsh as a first day back and I can ease myself in slowly. I see my counsellor for the first time on Tuesday night in 3 weeks and I'm really looking forward to talking to her about how I feel and how the last few weeks have gone - One moment I'm like 'I can totally be a Mother,' and then it's like 'I can't cope being pregnant, I can't do this'... 

On Thursday, I've got my dentists appointment where I have to have my first ever filling (and therefore there's an injection involved) which is also worrying me - If I were to eat chocolate and binge on unhealthy food, I imagine my mood will go even lower and that's not something I want to happen. Therefore after my lovely dinner of fish, sweet potato chips and mushy peas, I'm going to finish this blog, have a bath and hopefully enjoy a long sleep in my bed - first time I've slept there in over 10 days!

Friday, 25 September 2015

Hormones are evil

Today hasn't gone exactly as planned.

Unfortunately my boyfriend snored quite a lot last night so I didn't get much sleep.  We had to be up early as we had an island tour booked, so got up and booked a taxi for 7.45am. No time for breakfast or tea, just enough time to shower! After getting to the location,  things started going down hill when the guide said the tour had been cancelled and that he had tried to contact me for the last 3 days...

Oddly,  I hadn't got any emails or phone calls but hey, there we go. The guide said we could rearrange for tomorrow which was fine, but we had to then go back to the hotel... more taxi expense! 'No problem', said the guide and showed us to the nearest bus stop...

Going on a local bus was an experience - massive sound system, TV showing psychedelic swirls and patterns, flashing lights and a picture of Jesus imprinted on the ceiling of the bus! Thankfully we made it back to the hotel and decided to take advantage of our free say by getting some breakfast and doing some laundry... (1 weeks worth of dirty holiday clothes and in hot countries,  I shower and change clothes a LOT)...

We ate breakfast in the hotel and I ordered a spinach, mushroom and tomato omelette - it looked amazing, however came with refried beans and corn chips! I are the omelette which was delicious,  however my boyfriend ate the rest of my breakfast as I wasn't keen on eating more corn chips for breakfast.

Laundry was easy to do and after all my clothes were done,  we decided to go into the swimming pool and chill. Usually this wouldn't be a big thing for me, however as I'm not exactly very 'body confident', wearing a swimming costume in front of strangers is quite anxiety provoking for me.

However - I really wanted to try it, so covered up with jeans and a top on top of my swimming costume,  headed to the pool and at the last minute,  stripped off and got in. I have to say, it was lovely.. really relaxing and perfect after walking back from the bus stop and orting out washing and getting all hot.

After a few hours, we decided to head to the 'El ray' Mayan ruins. I eanted to go as reviews saud that there were loads of Iguanas around and I wasn't disappointed! We spent a good hour walking around the ruins and marvelling at the laid back Iguanas, sunning themselves on rocks.

Heading back to the hotel for a late lunch,  lunch was a lovely chicken salad and mineral water - yummy! Before we chilled further by the pool. My boyfriend continued to swim, whereas I decided to read my book 'What to expect when you're expecting '... what a mistake. It's so, well. .. 'twee'... Talking about your 'exciting 9 month journey' and stretch marks being 'the red badge of Motherhood' *vomit*...

As I'm not happy about what's happening to me, reading this pile of tripe did not help my mood - I felt like even more of a freak.. like I'm supposed to be 'super happy and excited' when all I want to do is cry. After getting back to our hotel room I burst into tears on my boyfriend again and said I just don't know what to do... I'm so unhappy at the moment and worried / anxious / feel like a freak as I'm not happy about being pregnant.

My boyfriend was amazing and just cuddled me, reiterating the fact he'll support whatever decision I choose - But I have no idea what that is at present. At the moment I think eating healthy is helping me mentally - At least it's not making me feel any more crap :-) Tonight I think we'll just eat in the hotel, cuddle and watch more random things on iplayer - I hope the island trip goes well tomorrow! :-)

Hormones suck :-/

Thursday, 24 September 2015

Lack of appetite in hot weather?

Well, we made it to Cancun!

It wasn't a bad journey really, a bit of turbulence on the flight but nothing I couldn't handle. We spent most of yesterday just chilling in the hotel and exploring the beach and hotel room. The hotel isn't bad at all - It's kinda a time share so loads of rooms and a bit of a maze, however the rooms are huge and the pools are lovely (not gone in them... yet! )

I've really lost my appetite in a big way and haven't really felt hungry for a good few weeks. I don't know if the hot weather in Mexico is the main factor or if it's a side effect if pregnancy,  however it's currently a real effort to eat. I'm trying to be sensible and the number one thing I've been making sure is ensuring I'm hydrated and drinking loads of water.

Dinner last night was 2/3rd vegetable fajitas which were very nice but I couldn't finish them.

Today was a 12 hour tour to Chichen Itza which was absolutely brilliant but knackering and hot! So, so hot. As we were picked up at 7am we were limited to what we could eat for breakfast so ended up buying some small cakes from the hotel shop. Lunch was at 2pm and was a buffet that was included in the tour - I had some fish,  potato salad and normal salad - Unlike in Mexico City, I assumed the salad wouldn't be washed with tap water and therefore was safer to eat.... (so far, so good).

Funnily enough,  the highlight of my day was seeing wild Iguanas. They were all around , just lying on rocks, sunning themselves and one huge one just walked towards us! Unfortunately I realised quite quickly that the Iguana wasn't interested in me, but in the woman eating cheetos,  which she then fed to the Iguana... what idiot does that? :-/ It's not good for them to eat junk food!

The 2.5 hour journey back to our hotel was a bit taxing and now it's 8pm and I'm sat by the pool, watching my boyfriend swim around whilst I write this blog.  I'm feeling a bit grumpy - partly due to being tired but partly because we got a drink at the bar and I went for a non alcoholic strawberry daiquiri... and then felt annoyed I can't (or shouldn't) drink alcohol at the moment.

It's a holiday and I'm 100% sober and will potentially remain so for what,  the next  8 months minimum? It's a small thing, but it's frustrating - I think I'm also feeling grumpy as I've not eaten in 7 hours.. yet I'm not remotely hungry. I think I'll try and find something light and healthy on the menu before heading back to the room and watching the Great British Bake off on Iplayer  (Working in IT means I can watch things in different countries as I know how to get round things ;-)).

Another tour tomorrow - I'll try and stop being stroppy and hormonal and just get on with things :-)

Tuesday, 22 September 2015

Overcoming tiredness

I am utterly knackered! Our fifth day in Mexico City and I purposefully didn't book us any tours today which meant we could sleep in and have a really chilled morning without any pressure.

Unfortunately the day didn't start off that we'll as I burst into tears on my boyfriend after having a shower, seeing my reflection in the mirror and realising that in a few months, it will change and I'll get bigger. It might be totally shallow and selfish,  but I don't want to get bigger - I'm really trying hard to be healthy and lose weight and obviously being pregnant won't exactly help with that. Cue me hysterically crying, asking him if he will still find me attractive when I'm bigger....

Thankfully, he knew exactly what to say and suggested that we find a personal trainer who specialises in supporting pregnant women - I may not be able to lose weight per se, but doing exercise throughout and eating healthy means I'm still working towards my goal but not 'dieting' or putting anything at risk.

After I stopped resembling a red faced puff-ball, we headed out and found a lovely cafe for breakfast - A bowl of fruit, yoghurt and granola later and I felt tons  better. We decided to go to the big shopping centre nearby and do a general bit of 'mooching'.

The shopping centre was huge and in the shop called 'Liverpool' (In the UK, think John Lewis / Peter Jones) there was the most amazing sweet section I've ever seen. I managed to buy lots of presents for people but not get anything for myself - Not bad going considering how amazing the chocolate section looked!

We stopped for a cup of tea and headed back after that - It was only 1.30pm but I was knackered! We decided on a local Japanese restaurant for lunch but ordered way too much food as the portion sizes were about 4 times the size of that in the UK - The vegetable tempura plate, whilst being absolutely delicious, was huge! In the end, I didn't finish anything as I was feeling uncomfortably full.

We went back to the hotel and I just wanted to sleep - A feeling of worry came over me as I wasn't sure if I felt tired because of the fact I'd just eaten food, my sleep pattern still isn't great or because I'm growing something inside of me - a lot of women say they are incredibly tired in their first trimester and my body changing and feeling different things just scares me.

So, after I browsed the Internet for a bit, my Boyfriend and I decided to go for a walk around the local area... we grabbed a drink from the local Starbucks and aimed in a general direction. We found a random department store and spent a good 45 minutes just browsing through and finding it funny that all the Christmas decorations were already on display. It's now 18.40ish and I'm back in the hotel not feeling too bad - I think fresh air helped a lot.

An added bonus is I've walked for over 90 minutes today and done over 10k steps so my target has been achieved :-)

Sunday, 20 September 2015

Are grasshoppers healthy?

Day 3 done in Mexico City and once again it's been amazing. Today was a food tour and whilst I couldn't drink the mescal or have the unpasteurised cheeses, the grasshoppers, flowers and passion fruit jam were fantastic.

We met our tour guide at a local market and she told us about the history of coffee and other food stuffs. We then went around the place, trying different things. She did try and get me to eat the soft cheeses and for the first time ever, I said I couldn't as I was pregnant... saying it out loud just feels, well.. weird, but it did mean she didn't offer me alcohol at the next stand :-)

By far the weirdest one was the 'grasshopper stand'. You could have them with lemon, chilli or garlic. We tried some of each! I'm pretty adventurous when it comes to food and so long as it doesn't hurt 'the thing', I'm still up for anything. They tasted OK really, kinda just crunchy with seasoning.

The flowers were interesting as well - Not sure I'd eat them day to day but just learning what Mexican people eat was really interesting. After the food mark, we went to a market selling China,  clothes, touristy bits and bobs and said goodbye to the guide who was lovely.

As we had eaten random things in the morning, we had a late lunch of fish tacos and pork tacos - it was funny ordering off the menu as it was all in Spanish so we made educated guesses as to what we were going to get :-)

The rest of the day was spent looking inside the beautiful cathedral and wandering up and down the streets full of stalls. Our taxi driver picked us up at 4pm and took us back to our hotel. Another really cultured and fun day and yet another day where we hit our 10k steps target!

Last night we had traditional Mexican food which was lovely - tonight I think we are going to see what else we can find :-)

Saturday, 19 September 2015

Eating healthy when on a tour

Today has been awesome. Despite the sunburn my shoulders seemed to get yesterday,  I don't feel too broken even though today was pretty hard core.

Today we went to the Teotihuacan Pyramids and the Basilica of our Lady of Guadalupe. Both were brilliant and I took some epic photos of the pyramids. Despite being on holiday, I'm trying to eat healthy,  especially due to the fact I'm pregnant - 6 weeks today.

Last night my Boyfriend and I decided to stay in the hotel and eat in the restaurant - I had garlic mushrooms and duck le 'orange whilst he had cheese fondue and steak tartar - not something I can eat, even if I wanted to at the moment!

For breakfast I had a slice of malt loaf (brought it with me) and a fruit pot from Starbucks which wasn't too bad but the pineapple didn't really taste of much. The lunch buffet was part of the tour and as I'm worried about getting food poisoning,  I stayed clear of both meat and salad - meat in case it wasn't cooked properly... and salad as it was probably washed with tap water. This left bread, fruit and rice which sounds bland, however actually,  it wasn't bad at all.

Back in our room now before heading out for dinner - only did 15k steps so not as many as yesterday but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing! Still on phone, hence the shortish post and different  formatting :-)

Mexico City

Very short blog as having to use my phone for blogging! Finally made it to Mexico City despite a rather horrendous day of jet lag. 

Upgraded meal on BA flight (paid £16 each to do so) wasn't bad, however there wasn't really any healthy option per se.

Breakfast this morning was yoghurt found in a nearby Starbucks and a cup of very milky tea. Lunch was eaten in the National Anthropology museum which was absolutely amazing to walk round. When I ordered food it was all in Spanish so wasn't totally sure what I was getting.  Turned out to be cheese, chorizo and mushrooms with mini tortilla wraps.

After that, we walked round Chapultec castle and then headed to the zoo. Over 6 hours of walking and 25k of steps.. absolutely knackered!

Emotions wise, I still seem to be up and down,  however this is quite a nerve wracking time for me as I keep worrying about miscarriage and the fact I'm abroad. Jet lag doesn't help maters anyway! 

Mexico seems to be an amazing place - Lots of different food to try. Bought some weird looking things that turned out to be giant quavers just without the cheese. I had one, my boyfriend had the rest :-)

Let's see what tomorrow brings!

Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Your child eats what you eat

5,4,3,2,1 - Let's fly!

Today hasn't been too bad at all. Despite the second day of the conference being rather boring and most, if not all of us delegates declared it as a 'steaming pile of dog turd', I'm feeling quite positive as my counsellor replied to my email, apologising and saying she thought I was on holiday this week, not next week. It's really hammered home to me how much I depend on talking to her at the moment, especially at the moment, with everything going on in my head. 

As usual, my Boyfriend was amazing and just let me cry last night when I was upset, however it's nice to be able to say what I feel, without the worry of being judged or run the risk of saying something that affects my relationship. 

I'm getting more 'OK' about being pregnant as it's now been 8 days since I found out. I'm also thinking that this is my pregnancy, not anyone elses - therefore if I don't want it to be all sunshine and flowers and 'happy' stuff, then I don't have to feel like that. As long as I do the best I can and also don't force myself to do things I'm not happy about doing (like a vaginal birth), then sod anyone else judging me. One thing that I did see today was this advert which basically seems to be saying that you could harm your baby if you've got a poor diet.

It made me really anxious and in some ways quite trapped - after all, what if I fancy a burger in a couple of days? What if I fancy drinking a can of diet coke every so often? I can appreciate if you only ate junk food then there may be vitamin and mineral deficiencies, but every so often? Hrmmm... 

However, as I am really paranoid and anxious about what I'm eating at the moment so seeing adverts like that aren't really helping. 

Today I had a slice of malt loaf for breakfast and as I was still at the conference, I had 3 mini sandwiches and some crisps for lunch. We had 2 coffee breaks and whilst I steered clear of the coffee / tea, I did munch on a biscuit on each break. Thankfully I was able to leave by 4:00pm, so I got back just after 5 and set to work on packing my suitcase and sorting things out for my holiday to Mexico tomorrow. I also started on dinner as tonight my Boyfriend has come round, ready to watch The Great British Bake Off! Tonight we had a marinated BBQ chicken breast with rosemary roasted potatoes and a LOT of veg. It looks a lot of food, but I think I tend to eat my main meal in the evening as it gives me 'something to look forward to' throughout the day.

It was rather nice, however as I was steaming the veg, the broccoli was rather 'al dente' as I totally forgot that the veg at the top of the steamer doesn't cook as quickly! Ah well, no harm done :-)

I'm flying to Mexico tomorrow and whilst I'm going to try and relax, I want to still write some blog post as I think it's helpful for me to think about how my mood is doing and also, what I'm eating. 

Stay tuned for a lot of weird Mexican food in the next 10 days! :-)

Tuesday, 15 September 2015

Going on holiday in your first trimester

I am like a yo-yo at the moment

The last two days haven't been too bad - I had a pretty good Monday at work and ate really healthy and today I was at an I.T. conference which I wasn't planning on going to, however my Boss had registered and then told me he was travelling and suggested I go. As I'm new, I could hardly say 'No thanks', however I have to be honest... it was pretty boring.

So... I'm still pregnant, my period still hasn't arrived (I don't know why, but when I go to the toilet, I keep thinking I'll see it soon) and my emotions are everywhere. I'm swinging between 'I can't do this, I just can't cope' to 'There's billions of women who have done it, as long as I get an elective caesarean I'll be OK, I just need to take one day at a time'. One thing that has been worrying me is that I'm off to Mexico on Thursday - I'll be 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant and I'm petrified that something is going to go wrong when I'm abroad. It's not Europe, so you can't exactly just get on a plane and hey presto, in 2 hours you'll be back home. What happens if the pregnancy is ectopic and my tube ruptures? What happens if I start bleeding? What happens if I eat something bad and fall ill?

Technically there's nothing stopping me - apart from fear. We've planned this trip for about 9 months - 5 days in Mexico City and then 4 days in Cancun. We've got loads of tours booked and I was really looking forward to chilling out and spending time with my Boyfriend, now all I have is fear, 'what happens if something goes wrong?' - which I can't get my head around as, well... I don't think I'm 100% decided about what I want to do.

THEN.... I was supposed to be going to my counselling appointment tonight. I've been going to see a counsellor over my needle-phobia for nearly a year and tonight she wasn't there, It really, really threw me. I thought that the buzzer wasn't working as she didn't answer so I buzzed another buzzer and some nice person let me in, however when I walked up the stairs and knocked on her door - she wasn't there. I was actually really thrown by it - first time in a year she wasn't there.. and she hadn't contacted me saying she couldn't see me.... I phoned my boyfriend in absolute floods of tears. I don't feel strong enough to get through the next 7.5 months without her....

HOWEVER - It's not all doom and gloom, at least, not in terms of healthy eating. Yesterday I had a really nice Greek yoghurt with some honey and a small amount of granola for breakfast (It was rather sweet, however as there was a lot of honey). Then for lunch, I just went to the Company canteen as was raining outside and I couldn't be bothered to go anywhere else. I think I chose quite well - lots of chicken, lots of chickpeas, some butter and kidney beans, some hummus and a boiled egg... I didn't fill the pot, but what I did eat (as I finished it), was very nice. I had a banana for a snack mid afternoon which was a good idea as I started feeling slightly queezy - I'm really hoping this isn't morning sickness :-S

And then dinner... The reason I didn't blog last night was because I was staying with two of my sisters in London. I went there straight after work and had a really lovely time catching up over a cup of tea. One of my sisters lives with her boyfriend in their flat, and the other sister moved in with them about a year ago after she split with her boyfriend and wanted to save some money to buy a flat. 

As I was so emotional, I blurted out I was pregnant and they were just so lovely about it. Said they would support whatever decision I made, said there was no right / wrong way to feel and not feeling 'happy' and 'excited' about things doesn't make me an evil person.... They said they were looking forward to trying new things at Christmas like making non-alcoholic mulled wine and it wasn't an issue not eating soft cheese - I am so grateful to have such lovely and supportive sisters... It made me cry even more!

For dinner we went to a lovely Greek restaurant and I decided not to have a starter, but instead have a 'salmon stew' with a side order of spinach. Honestly, it was absolutely lovely, there was loads and loads of salmon and the spinach was amazing. I was really glad I didn't have a starter as I was utterly stuffed by the end of it. After a nice walk back to my sisters flat and more chatting, I slept on the futon in the living room (which was surprisingly comfy) and managed to get a decent nights sleep.

Breakfast this morning was ready made porridge with soy milk (my sister made it for me as she doesn't have normal milk in the house), with lunch being 3 small triangle sandwiches and a handful of crisps (the conference catering wasn't bad, but I didn't really feel like much) - I think I had a cheese and cucumber sandwich, a pastrami one and a chicken one. You know when you get 2 slices of bread and cut it into 4 triangles? Well, that's the size of each one.

Then the whole day went wrong... I left early to get a train back home to see my counsellor and she wasn't there, then I got very upset.... My Boyfriend was amazing as usual, suggested he go and get food to cook for us and I ended up crying at him whilst we had a really nice baked sweet potato, small can of beans with a couple of tablespoons of coleslaw - It was delicious.

Tomorrow is the second day of the conference and I should actually get a bit of a lie in which I'm looking forward to - I'm also looking forward to the fact that tomorrow is my last day at 'work' for a while, although I can't say I'm excited about going to Mexico at the moment. More - apprehensive. I think when I'm back and nothing has gone wrong I'll be really chuffed and can look forward to moving in with my boyfriend and hopefully sorting out my head.

So in a nutshell.... My healthy eating is going really well, which I think at the moment is very important for two reasons - one for my own mental health and of course, the other is for 'the thing' inside me at the moment. If I look back at what I was blogging a few months ago, I'd have never thought this would have happened.. however that's life and I know I'm very lucky to have so many supportive people in my life.