Coming to terms with things?

Today has been a lot easier than the last few days

It's been different but quite nice 'living' at my Boyfriends house for the last couple of days. I stayed over his house last night and as he's lovely... He gave up his bed for me (I find it really hard sleeping with anyone in the same bed) However, as his bed is very different to mine - He suggested we just 'take' my memory foam mattress topper and all of the bed linen, and just roll it into a sausage and take it to his and stick it on top of his mattress on his bed..... So we did! It looked like we were carrying a body out of my house and into his :-)

We cuddled and talked until midnight - The fact I'm still petrified... I don't want my life to change beyond all recognition... The idea of sleep deprivation terrifies me. Apparently people think having a baby is 'Hell' and then all parents say 'It's so much worse than your worse Hell imagined'.. And that's it.. I just don't think I'd cope with lack of sleep very well, then I'd get annoyed, upset, not bond with the baby... I was also saying to my Boyfriend that if it wasn't to happen (e.g. I miscarried) I think I'd feel an awful sense of just, well, relief - that my life won't change, that I won't have to go through pain and 9 months of pregnancy.... and then more pain to get the baby out.. and then sleepless nights. However that makes me feel so guilty, like I'm such an evil person for saying that.

But, if someone had 2 termination pills in front of me right now - and gave them to me without any judgement, I just don't know if I'd be able to take them. I honestly don't - there's something stopping me, but I don't know what that is. I said to him that I just can't see any positives about having kids, none at all, just 18+ years of crap. How can I have changed my mind so much in such a short space of time? I wanted this, and now it's actually happening, I'm just focussing on all of the negatives. 

Thankfully my Boyfriend just listened - said he would support me in whatever decision I made, that he thought I worried too much and that I'd be a fantastic Mother, however it was up to me and he wouldn't want to influence me either way....

After saying goodnight to my Boyfriend, I actually slept really well. It was kind of like being in my bed, but in a different setting and I managed to sleep from 12:00 midnight to 5:00am and then after going to the loo, slept until 7:30am... That's the best night sleep I've had in a week. After more cuddles in bed (seriously, this isn't usually like me, I'm like the Ice Queen and I've turned really clingy) we decided to head down to Winchester Farmers Market to get some meat for our stew, make the stew and then go Alpaca trekking! Despite getting to the Farmers Market by 10:30, it was already quite busy and after a quick orange juice in Costa (I already had 1 cup of tea in bed this morning and I'm trying to cut down to 2 cups of tea a day), we grabbed some Mexico Guidebooks in Waterstones and then wandered around the Market.

As well as getting some Buffalo meat for the stew, we also got a fishcake each and some 'bubble and squeak' which was effectively brunch as it was getting to 11:30 and I hadn't eaten breakfast. The fishcake was lovely (not too spicy or smoky) and the bubble and squeak wasn't bad, although by the end of eating it, I was rather full. I *also* went into Phase 8 and actually found a really nice dress which I tried on. Unfortunately, despite the fact I'm currently wearing a size 14 Phase 8 top as I type this, the size 16 dress was too tight across my chest, so I bought the size 18. I'm not planning on wearing it as a dress, but I thought with black jeans or trousers for work, I could wear it more like a tunic... Also, the material expands, so in a few months..... Yeah well, let's just wait and see what happens....

We got back to my Boyfriends house and started on the stew - 8 hours on 'low' in the slow cooker - GO! And then we went to do some 'Alpaca Trekking' which we'd both been looking forward to. We wandered around fields with Alpacas on leads a few months ago when we visited the Hensting Alpacas and had an absolutely amazing time. I found the deal on Groupon and for £25, you could stroke, learn about and walk around with the Alpacas. The people running it were lovely and you could tell they loved their Alpacas a lot and cared for them  loads as well - so it wasn't just about 'the money', but educating people. When I saw a very similar deal on Groupon again for a different Alpaca farm, I thought 'Why not?' so today we went and visited the Penny Bridge Alpacas.

The whole set up was slightly different and they had a lot more Alpacas than at Hensting - however their alpacas didn't seem as well trained (one of them kicked and grazed my Boyfriends leg) and they didn't seem very happy walking around on leads. It was lovely to see them wandering around the fields and they look absolutely cute and cuddly, however they had all been sheared a couple of months ago, so they weren't as fluffy as they had been in the Hensting place. If you've never been Alpaca trekking and fancied doing something different, I'd certainly recommend it - Despite it not being as fun as last time, it was still nice to get out of the house and by the end of the 2 hours, I realised I'd done 8,500 steps, just by going to the Farmers Market and walking around with the Alpacas, so not bad exercise, either ;-)

I also felt more - calm today, a lot more accepting about what was happening and a lot less worried. I even managed to look at baby bottles in Boots when my boyfriend was looking at sunglasses, which is a massive thing for me as I didn't cry and was actually 'interested' in the things.... Don't get me wrong, I'm still petrified and if someone offered to put the clock back 6 weeks without any repercussions, I'd do it in an instant.... However that's not how life works, so yeah.. I guess you can only moved forward.

By the time the Alpaca fun was over, it was 4pm and I was starving after only eating a fishcake and a small amount of bubble and squeak. The slow cooked stew wouldn't be ready for another few hours so I suggested to my Boyfriend we grab something light and we settled for 'beans on toast' - classy. We stopped off at a local shop to get some bread and whilst in the queue, I noticed a new chocolate bar out from Galaxy - 'Duet'... My boyfriend grabbed one of each and when we got home, we tried them. I was quite impressed with my willpower as I only had 2 squares of each one. Oddly, I don't have a massive craving for chocolate at the moment, so 4 squares in total was more than enough.  I also only had one slice of bread with a small can of beans and now feel totally fine. I can easily wait another 2 hours for dinner :-)

The slow cooked stew consists of a 'slow cooked stew mix', with potatoes, carrots, swede, tomato purée and buffalo meat - No added salt or sugar, so shouldn't be too bad for me. I'm quite looking forward to it as it's smells lovely! 

Tomorrow night I'm at my sisters house in London - I'm really looking forward to seeing my younger sisters (the youngest one is staying with the second youngest one and her boyfriend as she's saving to buy her own place in London). I think we're going to an Italian restaurant after work and I'm keen to continue my healthy eating so will hopefully be able to forgo a started and just find something really yummy for my main.

It would be nice to think that this sense of 'calm' continues - the last few days have been so unhappy and sad for me - swinging between 'If a woman of half my age can do this, so can I', to 'Dear God, Dear God, what have I done? I can't do this and need to terminate'.... However all that matters, right here, right now is that I am trying to nourish my body with healthy food so that I can reach the best decision for myself and my boyfriend, whatever that may be.