Going on holiday in your first trimester

I am like a yo-yo at the moment

The last two days haven't been too bad - I had a pretty good Monday at work and ate really healthy and today I was at an I.T. conference which I wasn't planning on going to, however my Boss had registered and then told me he was travelling and suggested I go. As I'm new, I could hardly say 'No thanks', however I have to be honest... it was pretty boring.

So... I'm still pregnant, my period still hasn't arrived (I don't know why, but when I go to the toilet, I keep thinking I'll see it soon) and my emotions are everywhere. I'm swinging between 'I can't do this, I just can't cope' to 'There's billions of women who have done it, as long as I get an elective caesarean I'll be OK, I just need to take one day at a time'. One thing that has been worrying me is that I'm off to Mexico on Thursday - I'll be 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant and I'm petrified that something is going to go wrong when I'm abroad. It's not Europe, so you can't exactly just get on a plane and hey presto, in 2 hours you'll be back home. What happens if the pregnancy is ectopic and my tube ruptures? What happens if I start bleeding? What happens if I eat something bad and fall ill?

Technically there's nothing stopping me - apart from fear. We've planned this trip for about 9 months - 5 days in Mexico City and then 4 days in Cancun. We've got loads of tours booked and I was really looking forward to chilling out and spending time with my Boyfriend, now all I have is fear, 'what happens if something goes wrong?' - which I can't get my head around as, well... I don't think I'm 100% decided about what I want to do.

THEN.... I was supposed to be going to my counselling appointment tonight. I've been going to see a counsellor over my needle-phobia for nearly a year and tonight she wasn't there, It really, really threw me. I thought that the buzzer wasn't working as she didn't answer so I buzzed another buzzer and some nice person let me in, however when I walked up the stairs and knocked on her door - she wasn't there. I was actually really thrown by it - first time in a year she wasn't there.. and she hadn't contacted me saying she couldn't see me.... I phoned my boyfriend in absolute floods of tears. I don't feel strong enough to get through the next 7.5 months without her....

HOWEVER - It's not all doom and gloom, at least, not in terms of healthy eating. Yesterday I had a really nice Greek yoghurt with some honey and a small amount of granola for breakfast (It was rather sweet, however as there was a lot of honey). Then for lunch, I just went to the Company canteen as was raining outside and I couldn't be bothered to go anywhere else. I think I chose quite well - lots of chicken, lots of chickpeas, some butter and kidney beans, some hummus and a boiled egg... I didn't fill the pot, but what I did eat (as I finished it), was very nice. I had a banana for a snack mid afternoon which was a good idea as I started feeling slightly queezy - I'm really hoping this isn't morning sickness :-S

And then dinner... The reason I didn't blog last night was because I was staying with two of my sisters in London. I went there straight after work and had a really lovely time catching up over a cup of tea. One of my sisters lives with her boyfriend in their flat, and the other sister moved in with them about a year ago after she split with her boyfriend and wanted to save some money to buy a flat. 

As I was so emotional, I blurted out I was pregnant and they were just so lovely about it. Said they would support whatever decision I made, said there was no right / wrong way to feel and not feeling 'happy' and 'excited' about things doesn't make me an evil person.... They said they were looking forward to trying new things at Christmas like making non-alcoholic mulled wine and it wasn't an issue not eating soft cheese - I am so grateful to have such lovely and supportive sisters... It made me cry even more!

For dinner we went to a lovely Greek restaurant and I decided not to have a starter, but instead have a 'salmon stew' with a side order of spinach. Honestly, it was absolutely lovely, there was loads and loads of salmon and the spinach was amazing. I was really glad I didn't have a starter as I was utterly stuffed by the end of it. After a nice walk back to my sisters flat and more chatting, I slept on the futon in the living room (which was surprisingly comfy) and managed to get a decent nights sleep.

Breakfast this morning was ready made porridge with soy milk (my sister made it for me as she doesn't have normal milk in the house), with lunch being 3 small triangle sandwiches and a handful of crisps (the conference catering wasn't bad, but I didn't really feel like much) - I think I had a cheese and cucumber sandwich, a pastrami one and a chicken one. You know when you get 2 slices of bread and cut it into 4 triangles? Well, that's the size of each one.

Then the whole day went wrong... I left early to get a train back home to see my counsellor and she wasn't there, then I got very upset.... My Boyfriend was amazing as usual, suggested he go and get food to cook for us and I ended up crying at him whilst we had a really nice baked sweet potato, small can of beans with a couple of tablespoons of coleslaw - It was delicious.

Tomorrow is the second day of the conference and I should actually get a bit of a lie in which I'm looking forward to - I'm also looking forward to the fact that tomorrow is my last day at 'work' for a while, although I can't say I'm excited about going to Mexico at the moment. More - apprehensive. I think when I'm back and nothing has gone wrong I'll be really chuffed and can look forward to moving in with my boyfriend and hopefully sorting out my head.

So in a nutshell.... My healthy eating is going really well, which I think at the moment is very important for two reasons - one for my own mental health and of course, the other is for 'the thing' inside me at the moment. If I look back at what I was blogging a few months ago, I'd have never thought this would have happened.. however that's life and I know I'm very lucky to have so many supportive people in my life. 

Northumberland - Day 1

Looks like we brought the sunshine with us

Today has been absolutely fantastic so far. We managed to drive to Northumberland in less than 5.5 hours yesterday, so arrived at my partners parents house at 11:30pm. I was actually quite pleased with myself as I managed to drive over 2 hours in his large Audi, which is really different to my little Corsa.  As usual, we were welcomed with opened arms and spent the next hour and a half chatting to his parents in the living room. I'm really lucky as his Mother is absolutely lovely and so friendly - She knows I'm usually trying to eat heathily, therefore rather than buy any kind of 'junk' food, she went out and bought all kinds of fruit which was so thoughtful of her.

After heading to bed at 1:00am, I awoke at 7:00 and wandered next door to cuddle up to my boyfriend for a bit (his parents don't mind us sleeping together, but I'm such a light sleeper, I actually prefer having my own bed!) before we headed downstairs for the days excitement - Breakfast was my usual Porridge and blueberries, if you look at the photos on my last blog post you should see the 4 pots of porridge in my suitcase :-) 

My boyfriends Mother really likes feeding people and as I had brought my breakfast with me for the next 4 days, I think she wanted to make sure we were both completely full, so she made us a massive tupperware box of fruit and handed it to us before we went out the door. It smelt and looked amazing, however in my head I was thinking 'God, that's more fruit than I eat in 3 days, let alone 1' However, politely accepted it, said thank-you and was grateful it was fruit she was giving us and not chocolate or sausage rolls.

Once happily fed and watered, we headed out to Sea Houses to find an available boat tour so we could go to the Farne Islands and take photos of both puffins and seals and enjoy the fact that the sea looked beautiful, blue and most importantly - very calm! 

As we approached Sea Houses, it was clear to see that it was far busier than we've seen it before - I guess that's because it's June and usually, we go to Sea Houses in December or April (Christmas or Easter time) Thankfully we managed to park and went to see if we could buy tickets to go on the boat. Unfortunately, whilst waiting in the queue, I heard the woman telling another person in the queue that all the landing trips had completely sold out for today - there were only 'stay on the boat' trips left. As I really want to take photos of Puffins, this wasn't going to work for us, so we decided to put our names down for the boat trip tomorrow and change our plans as to what to do today.

On our way back, we went past Bamburgh, the beautiful castle to our right hand side on the hill. We had a quick wander on the beach and I suggested my boyfriend take a 'selfie' of us. This is actually quite a monumental moment as I really dislike how I look - I don't think I'm attractive in any way, shape or form so tend to prefer to be behind the camera, rather than in front of it. Oddly enough, I think it turned out really nicely, is this my brain changing how I feel about myself? maybe,.. I'd like to look at photos of us and think back to all the lovely things we've done in the past.

We also made a quick pit-stop for some kippers. I love kippers and the ones you can get from Craster are apparently rather famous, either way, they certainly taste delicious. Not only did I buy some in a packet, I decided to buy a 'kipper in a bun' for lunch. However, rather than just eating the bun, I just ate the kipper and gave my boyfriend the bun - He was only too happy to devour it, along with his 'crab in a bun' as well. I also bought some beef jerky to have for lunch - I appreciate it's hardly the most balanced of meals, however when you're out and about, it's hard to be completely prepared so I jumped at the chance of eating low fat protein, as opposed to opting for a scone, clotted cream and jam, which the cafe next door to the kipper shop was advertising.

As I was in the shop, I noticed a sign - 'Don't look down on others, unless you're trying to help them up', which I thought was really nice and also a good motto to live by. I dislike the fact people judge each other so much and I know I've been guilty of that in the past. 

Having devoured the kipper and jerky, we headed back to base camp to drop off the kippers (and the sausage rolls my boyfriend had bought for his parents) and headed out again to go to Vindolanda, which is a massive roman fort near Newcastle. The weather was still looking good and we made good use of the fact it was only 3:00pm when we arrived. 

The place was a lot bigger than we imagined - there was a really comprehensive museum, an absolutely huge site full of Roman ruins and also a really nice shop and cafe, all hidden in utterly beautiful surroundings. As we went round, I was really happy that I was spending my day with my boyfriend and not at the Hell hole, more commonly referred to as 'work'. 

We spent a good hour walking around and reading about what the different ruins were used for. I feel quite at home when it comes to the Romans as I went to a school that taught us Latin for 5 years, so I actually have a good idea what the Romans got up to and can pretend I'm super smart when translating the odd Latin word :-)

Despite not feeling it, we've done over 6,800 steps today, so the exercise isn't going too badly and I imagine there will be a few more tonight when we go out to an 'All you can eat' sushi restaurant. I know the words 'All you can eat' and 'Healthy eating' don't always go together, so I'm going to try and be very mindful of what, and indeed, how much, I'm eating. 

Road Trip

I love being on holiday

Today marks the first of three days that I'm on holiday and already I'm feeling calmer, happier and more positive.

Not having to set an alarm and waking up naturally was bliss and I managed to sleep for over 8 hours, only finally leaving my comfy and warm bed after 9am. Had a shower, washed my hair (an operation that always needs to be planned as it's so thick and long) and started packing my suitcase, ready to take to Northumberland later on tonight. Before 10:00am, I'd already received 2 phone calls from recruiters which I was quite chuffed about - even if they don't come to fruition, it's nice to get some positive feedback that maybe you're not as useless that you've come to believe.

Breakfast was a lovely cup of jasmine tea and porridge with blueberries, although I actually tried a 'Honey and Vanilla' pot, rather than my usual 'Golden Syrup'. It was OK, however I now know why there's usually a big hole on the supermarket shelf regarding the Golden Syrup pots and everything else is still there - Not sure I'd try it again to be honest.

Sitting on the sofa, I decided to add a couple more recipes to my website and proudly update how much weight I've lost so far. I also did the fun task of paying my gas and electricity bill (I just don't trust them with a Direct Debit so phone them up once every 3 months with my debit card) and watch some South Park episodes that I had on my Sky Planner. 

Lunch was a rather nice pot of butternut squash risotto - I actually forgot I bought it last weekend, so decided to use it up, rather than it go to waste. It's surprisingly filling and very quick to heat up if you're on the move. 

I then went out to 'prep' for the 6 hour journey up North - Usually we'd stop off at a service station, maybe partake in a Burger King or MacDonalds on the way up for dinner.... I'd rather not do that so went to Tescos to find some more healthy food and bring it with me. On my travels, I picked up more blueberries, some pita bread, chicken, salad etc - I'll make a really nice chicken salad sandwich and polish it off with some strawberries for 'pudding' which I think will be a lot healthier and better for me than fast food.

Next stop.... Northumberland!

Keeping the motivation going

A good Channel 5 Documentary always makes me feel better

Sitting here, on my rather achey butt, in my cow onesie (most attractive with udders - one of my friends buys me very random Christmas presents) I'm watching 'Blinging up Baby' open mouthed - Honestly? People pierce their children's ears at such a young age and spend over £600 a month on their wardrobes and buy them designer handbags when they're less than 1 year old? Wow.... Just, wow. I can't say I'd cry if there wasn't any music to my child to walk into her party with.. I'd just be happy my child was having a good time. Maybe I'll be an awful mother? :-)

And as for the ponies with the pink glitter hooves... 

So, now I'm at home and am thinking back over today - It was really quite painful and trying to keep the 'I'm happy' mask at work is really draining - Who wouldn't get upset when they feel deliberately left out? As I'm on holiday for the next 3 days, I don't have to go to work for 5 days so can try and focus on spending time with my boyfriend, giving myself head space and just spending 30 minutes a day job hunting. Who knows? By next week, I should have some more interviews set up!

Despite feeling really vulnerable and unhappy, I'm actually incredibly proud of myself that I didn't turn to food to fill that empty void - not at lunch time, nor at dinner time. Once I got home, I made myself an omelette with 2 eggs and an additional 4 egg whites and added a sprinkle of extra mature cheese with spring onions and a pepper. Served with a rather nice dollop of salad cream.... I didn't snack, nor did I scoff any chocolate which is my usual default action.

Does this mean I've changed my modus operandi? Maybe I'm 'cured' and from now on will only eat healthy things..... 

I very, very much doubt that. I've spent over 18 years of my life comfort eating and I've managed to lose a LOT of weight, before something triggers my emotional response of reaching for the chocolate, so I don't think one day of changing my attitude means I've successfully changed my lifestyle - However, it does mean that I'm trying to and I think that I deserve to be smug that I've successfully done it today. If I don't always manage it, I need to just get back on with healthy eating the next day without beating myself up.

I'm aching a lot after going spinning yesterday so am looking forward to gong to bed and spreading out in my double bed and not setting an alarm for tomorrow.

Not only will I have a new job within 6 months time... I'll be wearing my size 14 jeans whilst thinking 'Why did I worry so much about work? It's just a job'

Productive and positive Tuesday

Today has been bliss so far.

Not having to get up and go to work has vastly improved my mental state, positivity and motivation. After a lie in, listening to the birds,  reading my book with a cup of (green) tea, I changed the sheets, cut the grass, fed the birds, put the washing on, had a shower and had my breakfast which was strawberries and blueberries and was really nice - I would have had raspberries as well, however they seemed to be mouldy, so I threw them away. One of the dangers of fresh fruit, I guess!

I was rather chuffed as I tried on some size 16 jeans which were too tight to wear a month ago and whilst they're still snug, they actually fitted! This really motivated me to continue as I really don't like playing Russian roulette with my jeans - every time I wash them, am I still going to be able to fit into them if I've been eating junk food and rubbish?

After breakfast, I went food shopping to get things for the rest of the week - I've never actually gone food shopping at 11:00am before and it was just really nice - far less people, no queues at the tills, people seemed much less harassed and the whole experience was far, far nicer than at a weekend. I drove back in the sunshine, hung up the washing and started on lunch which was a really nice chicken salad. I appreciate I'm not the worlds most amazing food photographer, however it comprised of beetroot, lettuce, pepper, cherry tomatoes, cucumber, roast chicken and a little bit of crumbled feta cheese with balsamic glaze - utterly delicious and I actually felt really virtuous eating it. 

I've already made dinner which is 'Mediterranean vegetables with lamb' and it's in the slow cooker, cooking. I'm seeing my boyfriend tonight so I thought I'd make the most of the slow cooker, considering I don't have to work and throw something together quite quickly. Fingers crossed it will turn out nicely - if so, I'll share the recipe, if not.. I won't inflict it on anyone else! 

The next couple of hours are going to be spent watching 'The curse of the witching tree' which I have to say, after 15 minutes, I'm not overly impressed, but hey ho... there seem to be a lack of good horror films out at the moment!