Soup-er Tuesday

It's been a crazy few days

The weekend just gone was lovely, but a little stressful. My boyfriends parents came down from Northumberland and as they are lovely people, it was lovely to see them. As my Boyfriend and I don't live together, they obviously stayed with him, so I joined them on days out, but was happy to have my own space during the night :-) 

On Saturday, we went to the 'Hamble Food Festival' which was lovely. It wasn't very big, but thankfully the weather was nice and we milled around there for 30 minutes before sitting down in a cafe and watching the sea. Unfortunately, food festivals are not really known for their healthy food, so after eating kippers for breakfast, I didn't grab anything from the food festival as wasn't really feeling the pies, quiches or massive sausages in a bun - not that they didn't look appetising, they looked lovely! Lunch time came really quickly so my Boyfriend suggested we go to the Royal Navy Submarine Museum in Gosport as we were quite close. 

We headed down there and my Boyfriend kindly did a 'pit stop' at a local co-op so I could grab some lunch. I can't say it was the most exciting lunch in the world - a low fat ham and salad sandwich and some low fat 'popped' crisps - especially compared to all the nice things he and his parents were eating at the food festival, but hey... willpower and all that :-)

The Submarine museum was a lot more interesting than I thought it would be and we actually got to go on HMS alliance which was really quite fun. The conditions were pretty cramped and I have to say, I don't think I'd really want to be on a submarine, at the bottom of the sea for days on end without natural sunlight - and the idea of having to evacuate by shooting yourself out the 'escape hatch', sounds terrifying. We spent a good couple of hours there, before having another cup of tea and heading back home.

Saturday night, we went to Loch Fyne - a lovely fish restaurant and this is where it kinda went down hill for me a bit - after being really healthy all day, I did the STUPID thing of weighing myself - I mean, I'm pre menstrual (at least, I hope I am.. I've 5 days late, but have done 2 pregnancy tests and both are currently negative), and I decide to hop on the scales after I've had breakfast and lunch.... 95Kg... so I've put on 4Kg after my 4 weeks of gardening leave and eating utter rubbish. I was actually feeling really positive about myself and how I looked, but seeing that number on the scales ~(as if it matters) made me feel utterly crap.

So I decided to eat 3 courses... Urgh. I had chilli squid tempura.. Sea Food pasta and then a chocolate trio for desert - and 1/3rd of a bottle of red wine. It was lovely, but I was too full and even as I was eating it, I was thinking 'You're doing it to yourself again, you're sabotaging yourself'.

Sunday, I started off OK - We went to the Bourne Mill antiques center and had breakfast. I was going to eat more kippers, but unfortunately after defrosting them, they were off, so instead, I had 2 slices of toast and marmalade, when everyone else had a sausage sandwich or scrambled eggs and smoked salmon.... We walked around the antiques centre for ages and for once, I didn't actually buy anything (unlike my Boyfriends parents who are also into antiques and bought stuff). We then headed to a local farmers market (to find things for the BBQ we had decided to do) and then back home. 

By 2:30pm I was starving and we were at a pub... The pub we went to didn't do sandwiches, so the best I could find was 'chilli chips' which were served in a bowl - Hardly the most healthy things, but I didn't want a massive burger or plate of food as we were going to do a BBQ later.  As the weather was utterly beautiful, my Boyfriend fired up the BBQ and we sat out in his garden, chatting - it was lovely, so was the food and after 2 sausages, 1 venison burger, a few strips of BBQ chicken and 1 lamb chop, I called it a day... I didn't want to stuff myself stupid with food like I had on Saturday night. Unfortunately, his Mother had bought lots of M&S mini chocolate bites and flapjacks, and when she offered them to me, I didn't say no...

So yesterday, I went to work feeling a bit 'blurgh'.. my period was 4 days late, I was panicking, I felt fat after my weekend, even though I'd been feeling really good about myself and the trousers that my friend had given me fitted really well, as opposed to before when I put them on and they were tight....  My food intake yesterday was 'OK', I had some malt loaf for breakfast and for lunch, I had a pretty healthy salad from the canteen - only a medium size and not too much coleslaw, just chicken, one boiled egg, some chickpeas, butterbeans etc... No dressing at all. As I was seeing my lovely vegan friend last night, I had to quickly think of something to get her, so in the end, I bought us some spiced McCain potato wedges, some pita breads and some hummus and chucked the chips in the oven as soon as I got back home.

So yeah, not overly bad at all, really.. but I need to really sort my head out, as I really don't want to go back to where I was a few weeks ago, especially as I've managed to turn things around and get back on the healthy eating wagon with some much 'ooopmh'. I went food shopping this morning and not only bought more pregnancy tests (honestly, I'm freaking out here...) but some Covent Garden Lentil and Bacon soup for lunch and will eat some for lunch, some for dinner with a crusty roll. 

Despite it being nearly 10;00am... I thought I'd blog first, then eat breakfast, so I am now going to grab a cup of tea and some malt loaf and grapes and crack on with work...

A size 14 is for life, not just for Christmas

I know, I know.. it's only August and I said the 'C word'

However it's my goal to wear a pair of size 14 jeans (And that's a size 14 I buy in the shops at the time... not a size 14 that's in my wardrobe that I've stretched when being a size 16...) on Christmas day and despite my 3-4 weeks of unhealthy eating, I'm completely 'back on the wagon' and raring to go with a lot of motivation.... However different shops have a different take on what a size 14 is - So to be perfectly clear.. I'm aiming for a size 14 in Next.. All of my jeans and trousers are from Next and I like the fit. 

Christmas is only my first goal, but I think it's a good one as I don't think I can remember a Christmas where I was 1. A size 14... or 2. Happy with how I looked... Most Christmases, round about the beginning of December, I'm already eating loads of mince pies, drinking lots of mulled wine like it's going out of fashion and copious amounts of cheese - this is all very well and good, but it means that by Christmas day, I've already put on a lot of weight, if not gone up a dress size.... I really don't want this year to be the same.

So, with basically 4 months to go... (that's a THIRD of a year!) I should definitely be able to hit my goal if I stay motivated.. Anyone else feel like a challenge? 

Thing is, it needs to be a life change to be sustainable, right? so I'm trying to tackle the small things first.

Objectives for the next 4 months

1. Eat healthy but not obsess - If I want a bar of chocolate, I'll eat one, but on the whole, choose healthy options. 

2. Continue to blog even if I don't eat healthy - My main aim of this blog was to be honest, warts and all.. I'm not a saint and whilst I do have a lot of willpower, sometimes I will choose something unhealthy. I guess that's normal as I don't think it would be much of a fun life if I constantly deprived myself of chocolate / pizza / wine... Everything in moderation, right? Plus, I should be able to eat unhealthily sometimes.. and STILL lose weight.

3. I'm going to weigh myself once a month, starting with the 30th September - I don't want to weigh myself at the moment as I think I'm heavier than I was when I last weighed myself and don't want to get demotivated. I think by the end of September, I'll have lost that weight and hopefully more and it will help me track my progress for the next few months 

4. Find new and interesting healthy foods and recipes - I think this one is important and it's something I can do in my routine. I think it would be good to find new and healthy things to eat (like the different marinated chicken escalopes I recently found at Marks and Spencers) as eating the same things day in and day out gets really boring, really fast.

Today was certainly a day for new things as I ate yet another different chicken escalope - 'Piri piri' chcken with steamed vegetables and rosemary roasted potatoes. I'll be honest, I didn't think it was as nice as the chicken I ate with my boyfriend last night (coconut and lime leaf), however considering I don't really like spicy things, it wasn't spicy at all and was absolutely fine. Whilst I did buy bananas today when I went food shopping, they're actually too green to eat, so tomorrow's breakfast is malt loaf and prunes... A bit random perhaps, but I like prunes and also like the fact that since eating healthy... everything is just so... *ahem* regular... :-)

As I've said before. I'm nothing special.. I'm very normal (slightly insane, but hey) but I'm determined to become more healthy and the fact I've got 1/3rd of a year to really get into it and wake up on Christmas day actually feeling like I've achieved part of my overall goal would be great.... It's not rocket science and I'll just be taking one day at a time....

Easy healthy eating - Routine is everything

Still motivated.. still eating healthy

As it's Tuesday today, I was working from home and once again, slept really well. It's funny.. but healthy eating seems to affect my life in so many positive ways after only a few days - I sleep better, I feel better, even my 'movements' *ahem* are really regular and fine.... And of course, I'm losing weight (although I will be honest and say I haven't stepped onto the scales for 6 weeks, so don't know exactly what I weigh at the moment). However things are all great...

One thing that struck me is - When I was on garden leave, I was pretty much routine-less... I could go to bed when I wanted, get up when the mood took me - I was always out seeing friends, seeing family. it was great, however there was very little to no routine.. This meant that despite my good intentions, after the first week of my month long garden leave... I was really struggling to eat healthily and when it came to my holiday in Brighton, I decided 'Sod it, I'll eat what I want and restart when I start my new job' which I did - For the last 1.5 weeks, I've been doing so well and it's so easy - Why?

I think it's routine - It's just so easy as you don't need to think about it. Get up, have a shower, go to work.. eat breakfast.. work.. lunch.. work.. home.. dinner... sleep - Then repeat. It's kinda like a lovely computer program, where you do the same thing every day. Of course, you could see friends, rather than just go home.. but I love having structure, I love routine - It might not work for everyone, but it totally works for me. I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner at relatively the same time, I eat the same things for breakfast more often than not.. it's great. If it gets boring, then I'll make a change (Note I'm not eating porridge for breakfast at the moment!).

Breakfast for me today was a banana and some malt loaf, whilst lunch was something different - as I was working from home, I took advantage of the fact I had a working oven, so had a paprika turkey breast in a pita bread with a raw pepper and some hummus - it was absolutely delicious and very filling. After more work, I went to my counselling appointment as normal and today was quite intense - for some reason we spoke about the fact I hate being late for things, I find it really stressful - I feel it's as if you're saying to the person who you keep waiting 'My time is more important than yours' and I find it really rude...... However I worry way too much.. like, not just a little bit, but if I'm 2-3 minutes late, it's a real thing for me.

Another thing for me at the moment is the fact that my boyfriend and I are still not using any protection when we're 'having fun'... it's blowing my mind at the moment as I do want children with him and obviously that's how a baby is going to be made, but it's almost as if it's too scary to do - I'm 33, so hardly 'young', but I still think I am not a grown up, that I couldn't possibly be ready to be a Mother.. that if a test comes back positive, I'm going to totally freak out - however I imagine most women might think like that? Argh. Scary stuff....

Dinner was lovely - I made some minced beef wraps with salad and a sprinkling of mozzarella. I'm trying not to eat too much red meat, but I don't want to completely rule it out of my diet - everything in moderation, right? and now I'm sat on my sofa... watching Louis Theroux interview American Doctors regarding critical illness... it's not exactly a happy program, but interesting. It also hammers home the fact that I should be grateful for my health and I shouldn't take things for granted....That every day I eat healthy is basically an 'investment' into my wellbeing and the more weight I lose, the more healthy I will be (within reason.. I don't want to be underweight!).

Roll on Wednesday :-)

I'm not going to quit trying to be healthy

I've been away for a little while...

This last week has been pretty crazy. I finished my month of garden leave and yesterday was the first day of my new job - I now work in London... in 'the City' and going from a 10 minute commute to a 1.5 hour commute on trains and tubes is.. interesting. The last week of my garden leave, I ate and ate and ate... I just went a bit crazy, I guess...

Now I'm back in a routine, I don't want to stop trying to be healthy and need to accept responsibility for putting rubbish in my mouth. The scales probably show a horrific figure, but I'll step on them in my own time - at the moment, I'm going to take each day as it comes and as I'm not seeing friends / family each day, nor staying at home doing whatever I want, it will be easier to plan things.

So.. what did I eat yesterday? Well, as I can't really have porridge for breakfast any more, I grabbed a banana and a mini malt loaf as I could fit both in my handbag. That was kinda it until 5pm! Due to all the inductions and stuff, I just didn't get a chance for lunch and felt really, really faint. I did manage to grab a couple of cups of tea and a bottle of water, but I had a really bad headache when I left work. 

My Boyfriend has been just.. fantastic. As well as getting me a lovely good luck card, he dropped me off and picked me up from the station and cooked for me last night. What did I have? It was lovely - Pan fried cod with rainbow chard (it seems like it's spinach in disguise!), samphire and cabbage. No real carbs and quite light - I loved it, 

Looking back at my last month, I've eaten a lot of stuff.... I don't regret it per se, but now I'm sat here, on my sofa.. I'd love to be in baggy size 16 jeans instead of rather snug ones. But hey, that's life and how can I change that? By changing my eating today.. and tomorrow.. and the next day. I've got just under 1 month until I fly to Mexico and I'd like to eat healthy right up until I leave. I don't know how I'll feel when I'm in Mexico, but I won't think about that now.. I'll just focus on each day as it comes :-)

Today I'm working from home, I think this is one of the great things about this new job - I should be able to work from home 2 days a week (fingers crossed), so I *should* be able to have a good work / life balance and hopefully wear those size 14 jeans for Christmas like I want to.... :-)

I'm an idiot

Only a brief one as I'm off out in a few moments.

Yesterday was pretty dire in regards to the weather. I had planned to go to a nearby National Trust property and walk around all the gardens and lakes - I'd worked out that this would have taken a good hour or so and I'd have done about 3 miles of walking. Due to the rain, I sat on my arse inside and mostly watched TV all day. 

I did do something interesting.. I went out and bought food - However it wasn't healthy food, it was biscuits and potato wedges... Hardly the worst crime of the century, however where has my Mojo gone and why am I reverting back to what I have always done? 

I saw my gastric band friend last night and she had bought over a number of size 16 suits for me to try on - despite her being a lot shorter than me, she hadn't taken any of the suits up in length as 'They were too big for her within weeks', which is amazing for her - she asked if I wanted to try them on, before she sold them on eBay. It was really nice of her and I tried all of them on. Sadly they are all 'skinny' suits and I tend to prefer bootcut or wide leg so they didn't look overly nice on me - equally, a couple of the suits were tight, so I need to stop kidding myself that I'm close to getting my arse into a size 14 - that will happen, but it needs me to stop eating rubbish.

Then we went out - My friend suggested curry and I said 'sure'... I haven't had a curry in ages, but despite trying to choose the healthy options, I completely failed and had a keema naad bread with a lamb korma - I think that's probably THE most unhealthy option you can choose and whilst it was nice... I just feel really frustrated with myself this morning. This isn't helping me reach my goal, this isn't helping me fit back into nice clothes and this is going to mean once again, that I'm playing Russian roulette with my jeans which is something I have no desire to go back to.

I've got another 3 weeks off work - something I know would make a lot of people jealous and I'm sitting on the sofa, eating rubbish.... It's really embarrassing. 

I don't have anything unhealthy in my house, so it's all eating out and I need to try and stop it. I'm worried as I'm staying over another friends house tonight and have no idea if she wants to order Take away... I think it's times like these that are the only times I genuinely do want to hide away from the world and scream 'No, no more food!' however life revolves around it...

I could have updated my Blog yesterday, but I felt really embarrassed - How is someone going to feel reading this if they want to become motivated to eat healthily? I know I'm pretty blunt and lack empathy sometimes.. I think I'd be screaming and wanting to bang my head against the wall 'Just stop eating crap, you idiot!' Well..yeah.. that's it really, isn't it?  I guess by acknowledging that this is a journey and there are bound to be fuck ups along the way helps - the question is, how big a fuck up this is.

So far, I've just had 2 poached eggs on wholemeal bread... No butter and nothing else. I'm hoping I can find something healthy to eat for lunch with my Boyfriend and we'll have to see about tonight. If I can veto Pizza, Chinese and Indian, I may be able to find something that's moderately OK and come back tomorrow and either go for a massive long walk or even venture to the gym. 

I'm not going to give up, but I am going to try and get through the next 24 hours before trying to be more active and not eating complete rubbish that's bad for my body.

Why would you eat revolting food?

If you're going to eat chocolate, at least eat nice chocolate, right?

Breakfast: Oats so simple Golden Syrup porridge
Lunch: vegetable tempura / Chilli beef with sticky rice
Dinner: Baked paprika turkey breast, roast new potatoes with steamed veg
Snack: Packet of maltesers

Today has been an interesting day – Rather than ‘Cloudy with the chance of meatballs’ (I’ve never seen the film, I just find the title really random) it’s been more, ‘A voyage of self discovery’, although I appreciate that makes me sound like my Drama Friend, so won’t go on and on about it!

After I posted last night, I decided I’d continue to be productive and decided to clean out a lot of rubbish in my car. It’s certainly not dirty, however as I’m the only one who drives it and usually the only person in my car, I’ve got my gym kit in the back seat, a bag with some empty tubs in it, a couple of bottles of water thrown onto the back seat… etc etc. One of the paper bags I grabbed had a couple of unused Birthday cards in it.. I’d bought them for friends, forgotten I’d bought them, bought more cards and used them… As well as the two birthday cards, there was also a bag of ‘Mozart chocolates’ that one of my work friends had brought back from Germany for me – about 4 months ago.

Now, I’ve got very little will power when things are literally in front of me – which is why I’ve not been buying chocolate, crisps or icecream as not having them in the house removes that temptation for me. To be faced with marzipan chocolates is sheer torture as 1. I like marzipan and 2. I like chocolate. When I discovered them, I put them back in the bag and took them into my house to throw them in the bin.. except, I didn’t throw them in the bin as all I wanted was – Marzipan chocolate. It was almost as if I’d gone from not being hungry to being starving and the only thing that could possibly sate my hunger were these chocolates that I’d just discovered in my car…

I sat on the sofa, and ate one – It was quite unpleasant actually. Being in a car for the last 4 months and some of those days being over 30 degrees had meant that the chocolate had blanched. They were also really crumbly and tasted incredibly artificial… I ate another, and another, having to eat them over the actual bag as the chocolate was so damaged, it wasn’t sticking to the marzipan. After the 6th one, I finally came to my senses. Why on earth am I eating something that I’m not enjoying? They’re revolting… they’re actually not nice and considering I’ve not had chocolate for WEEKS, why am I bothering to eat really disgusting chocolate? If I eat chocolate, at least make it nice chocolate for crying out loud…. And that was it, I threw them in the bin.

I then took them out the bin so I could take a photo of them :-) And then threw them back in the bin, which is where they have stayed….

I don’t feel guilty and actually, I’m fine today – I’m not feeling as if I need to punish myself, nor eat a lot of unhealthy food – One thing I was wary of is that my lovely work colleague and I were having lunch today and had decided to go to our favourite Thai restaurant as it’s the last day we will ever work together at the company (I’m working from home tomorrow and she’s on holiday on Friday) I was actually feeling quite anxious about the choices I would make on the menu – What were the healthiest choices? Would I go crazy and pig out as I ate the minging chocolates last night? How can I ensure I stay focused on my healthy eating yet go to a Thai restaurant for lunch?

Well, I think I did OK - not amazing, but not totally badly - My lovely friend and I had 2 courses. For starters, I had vegetable tempura. I was weighing up tempura over chicken satay with peanut sauce, which I know isn't the most healthy thing in the world, but tempura batter is fried? But what if I don't eat the satay sauce? But then the chicken would be dry, surely?

I had no idea, I made an educated guess as to what would be the healthiest and now I'm back at my laptop, I can Google it to see if I was right.

Estimated calories and fat
Vegetable tempura - 320 calories / 18g of fat
Vegetable spring rolls (3) - 167 calories / 6g of fat
Chicken satay (3) - 250 calories / 5g of fat
Prawn tempura - 116 calories / 1g of fat

Different websites say different things, so I'm certainly not going to believe the figures above 100%, however it's safe to say that I think I chose one of the most lardy things on the menu... Hrmm. I honestly didn't think it would be that bad, after all, it's got the word VEGETABLE in it! It's certainly a lesson to me and something I'm happy to learn - So, the next time I go to a Thai restaurant, I'll probably choose the chicken satay or the vegetable spring rolls as opposed to the vegetable tempura.

The main course was Chili beef with vegetables and sticky rice. I usually had a massamum chicken curry, but as it's made with coconut milk, I assumed that it would be rather high in both fat and calories and on this occasion, I was actually more accurate. 

Estimated calories and fat
Massumum curry - 295 calories / 12g fat
Chilli beef with rice - 354 / 4g fat

I know from the above it looks like I was wrong - however the Massumum curry is just that.. the curry, and doesn't incorporate the rice. Stick the calories on from the rice and it's more than the chili beef...

Either way, it's more than I usually eat for lunch and after we'd eaten, we actually took a detour to Marks and Spencers to allow me to grab some vegetables for tonight - I picked up some marinaded turkey breast yesterday so my plan is to have that with some roast baby potatoes and steamed veg for tonight... As well as picking up some vegetables, I decided to pick up some maltesers - I don't even know why I did it, however I think there's something in my head that I'm trying to work through - as if I can eat chocolate 'if I want to', and it's not a bad thing... I'm not a bad person and so what?

They're currently still in my bag and I've not stuffed them all in my face.....yet. Tomorrow I'm working from home again, so I'll pick up some really healthy food for lunch and not grab anything unhealthy. 

I think I'm getting nervous as it's just over 2 days until I leave my job and I'm feeling a bit unsure about stuff. It's silly really, I've managed to hold it together for months when I've been having a really awful time at work, so to lose it now and go back to my old habits would be absolutely stupid. 

So tomorrow is game face - Get up, be healthy and get focused.

Really healthy and happy

The weekend is just around the corner and I can't wait

Breakfast: Oats so simple Golden Syrup Pot

Lunch: Raw pepper, handful of tomatoes, cucumber sticks and M&S Moroccan topped houmous

Dinner: Baked BBQ chicken breast with rosemary roasted potatoes and steamed veg

Waking up at 8:30 was fantastic, I haven't slept so long in ages. Unfortunately it wasn't unbroken as I woke up earlier with a rather bad headache and despite being able to get back to sleep, my headache continued when I woke up later. Checking my phone, I saw I had a Facebook message from one of my overseas work colleagues telling me he had heard the news about my resignation - So much for my Boss respecting my wishes to keep it private, huh? Oh well, if that's the case.... So I suggested I give him a ring and let him know why I was leaving. To say he was shocked was a massive understatement, however I don't see why I shouldn't be honest as to why I'm going. I then started getting emails from the overseas office people that I recruited saying they were really sorry I was going - It's a really nice feeling to know that people do appreciate you, even if it's too late to stay.

Unfortunately I forgot to defrost a kipper last night, so breakfast was 'the usual'. Sitting down with a cup of tea, I fired up my work laptop and apart from answering any emails than came in, mostly watched TV in the morning - I decided to give 'Whitechapel' a go, which is an ITV drama series about Jack the Ripper.. Right up my street :-) At 11:00am, I decided to go and grab some lunch as it gets very busy in the shopping centre at midday. I headed to Marks and Spencers as it was the closest place to my house and bought a lot of really healthy things. I think the fact that I had eaten breakfast later meant that I wasn't hungry, therefore wasn't thinking with my stomach, but my head.

Rather than Pita bread for lunch, I decided to have some cucumber strips with my houmous and I also decided I'd try a different brand of Coconut water. I wasn't overly keen on the one I found a few weeks ago, but maybe this one is different? Result: Sadly not, it still tastes like cystitis powder :-(

After suffering with my headache for most of the morning, I finally gave in and took some paracetamol at 11:30 - I am not keen on taking tablets, so do try and see if headaches and other pains go, however I also don't really want to be a martyr and if I'm in pain, I should do something about it. Thankfully my headache went within half an hour :-)

I also worked out what I wanted for dinner tonight and yes, it's got BBQ sauce involved.... I was supposed to be having dinner with my parents and my boyfriend tonight, however my parents are being.... difficult. My Father has been diabetic for 25 years and when booking restaurants, my Mother has never specified this. I suggested a healthy restaurant for tonight and everything looked fine - Then my Mother texted me on Monday 'Have you told the restaurant that your Father is diabetic?' er... why? So I replied 'You don't usually do that, do you?' and she said 'They might offer a sugar free pudding' - OK, fair enough.. Except my Father eats RUBBISH most of the time and I mean true rubbish - He drinks a lot of alcohol, eats chocolate, massive amounts of cheese on its own, packets of pork scratchings.. and is currently about 4-5 stone overweight and does absolutely no exercise at all. So I'm not entirely convinced, why, in 25 years, the need as suddenly arisen to notify restaurants that he's diabetic.

However, to keep the peace, I told the restaurant that my Father was diabetic. Then on Tuesday, I get another text from my Mother 'Your Father wants to know if the restaurant serve lager, if not, he will decline your kind offer x'  - I went mental... I mean, what the Hell?  This has never been an issue before and even if they don't, he can't live without lager for what, 2 hours? I texted back and said 'I don't know, sounds like it will be too much hassle so I'll cancel'. Maybe I should have phoned my Mother there and then and told her that my Father is being an idiot, however I've got real issues about telling my parents how I feel and I tend to just go quiet and ignore them for months at a time.

The rest of the day was pretty productive from a personal perspective - I've booked a dental check up that's been needed (she wants to see me after my Wisdom tooth removal operation in January) and I've also booked my smear test in for a couple of weeks time (Apparently they like to do it mid-cycle and my period is due today). I also phoned my Mum and chatted to her about how I felt annoyed about her text and she actually apologised - I don't know why, but this meant so much to me and also made me think that maybe I also need to change and tell people how I feel as opposed to my default 'shut up and close down' on stuff. We actually had a really, really nice chat on the telephone and I've arranged to see her in a couple of weeks time and spend a day with her - I'm really looking forward to it, as well! 

After lunch I also decided to sit in the garden on a blanket for a while with my laptop, just being outside in the sun is lovely and hearing all the birds tweeting in the trees reminded me that there's more to life than work :-)

I'm feeling so motivated and just so eager to continue my healthy eating. I want to get my life in order (nothing major, just 'stuff') before I start my new job and the next 4 weeks are going to be all about ME - My health, spending time with friends and family in fun ways and exercise. I also want to think of doing something really nice for my boyfriend as he's been so amazingly supportive, however I've not come up with anything awesome yet.....

Dinner was marinated BBQ chicken with rosemary roast potatoes and steamed veg. The weird red pointy thing you see in the photo is apparently a Healthy baking mat as it helps the fat drip away and allows things to cook more evenly. I've used it a couple of times and it seems to be quite good - It also washes really easily which I like :-) My boyfriend ate the other chicken breast along with some other meat that he bought (as I said before, he's on an Atkins-esque diet at the moment) and after dinner we headed off to a local village to see some scarecrows as apparently there's the annual 'Scarecrow festival' where everyone in the village makes scarecrows and sticks them outside in their garden - It was random, so I enjoyed it.

There were 'Minion' Scarecrows, Mexican scarecrows, Teenage mutant Ninja Scarecrows..... We spent a good 30 minutes driving around the village and as we turned the corner, we kept seeing more and more scarecrows doing crazy things! After that, we headed to a local pub, however I decided against red wine this time - I really don't want to get another 'munchie' attack and eat loads of rubbish.

Tomorrow I'm back in the office which I'm not going to really enjoy as I don't have any work to do. However, I've only got 6 days maximum left, so I'll just take each day as it comes and soon enough, it will be over :-)

How to overcome failure?

Staying positive is so hard at the moment - I feel so exposed

I had a lovely night with my Boyfriend last night. Dinner was mackerel and vegetables sent to me from my weekly Riverford vegetable box - Quite honestly, I can't say I was overly keen on the 'lightly smoked mackerel' from Marks and Spencers as it tasted an awful lot like a kipper and having kippers with vegetables is just, well, weird as they're a breakfast food, surely? I don't think I'll be doing that again, however it was certainly very healthy.  After dinner we went for a quick drink at a local pub - It was lovely sitting out in the sun next to a river and watching all the ducks waddle around, looking for 'stray chips' that people fed them.  We then headed back to mine - He's my rock at the moment as I was telling him how my appraisal went with my Boss and just burst into tears. 

After another restless night, I got up early and headed into London for my interview or more correctly 'interviews' as I had 6 in one day - 4 in the morning and 2 in the afternoon. I arrived in plenty of time and the first two only lasted 30 minutes each. I thought, I was doing OK, that I had answered all the questions well and seemed to have developed a rapport with the people interviewing me. Unfortunately, after the first two, the HR guy came in and politely said that they didn't think I was technical enough so they were not going to continue the process. It was said in a really nice way and at the time I was all smiles and politeness as I shook his hand and headed out to the lift, however as I descended to the ground floor, I started feeling sick and shaky.

It was only 11:00am when I left, so I headed back to the tube and subsequently, the train station and grabbed some sushi for lunch before heading back home on the train. I phoned my boyfriend who was saying all the right things, however I still felt really rejected. I also had this really clear vision in my head of a door slamming shut, a metaphor, I assume, for the fact that I now have less options of how to leave my current company. 

How does one cope with rejection? What are the best coping mechanisms? I guess if I'm honest, I'm not used to failure and it hurts - I've been really successful in academia, and my career to date. At the moment, it feels like I'm hated by everyone at work and thought to be incompetent and can't get another job as noone believes I'm any good. 

On the other hand, I've passed various interviews, my successes at work are still successes and I wouldn't have been able to last 5 years in my current company unless I was good at what I do. I need to keep repeating this to myself and hold on a few more days until the next opportunity (next Wednesday I have a different face to face interview) presents itself to me. 

I need to keep the following things in mind:

• Failure is a natural part of life, - Everyone, EVERYONE in the world fails at some time or another. It's not nice, but it's natural.
• It's my responsibility - That's not me beating myself up for it, but I failed at the interview because I didn't have the right skill set. But I do have a skill set, and a damn good one at that!
• Treat it as a learning experience - I got 3 face to face interviews as experience and I did a technical test (and did better than I thought!) This will hold me in better stead, next time
• This is only temporary - 'This too shall pass'. I'm feeling bad now, but in 1 month, 2 months down the line, I'll have a new job and won't feel upset.

I'm now sat at home, having eaten my lunch, the washing is on.. and I've got over 4 hours until I need to leave the house and see my friend, so I'm going to use the time wisely. I'll do some more job hunting... I'll clean out another cupboard of clothes and put the bins out and I'll write a shopping list for Saturday. I'll also eat one of the many Bakewell Tart nakd bars that were delivered to my house today - My vegan friend got me hooked on them but the Bakewell tart ones are selling out so fast in Sainsburys, the shelf is usually empty - so I decided to bulk buy and we're going to split a whole box of them tomorrow :-) They really taste like bakewell tart but are healthy and not baked (My friend refers to them as 'Vegan crack')

I need to keep going, take one day at a time and believe in myself. I am not a bad person and I don't deserve to be treated like crap at work. 

Remembering bad times

When you feel like you're stuck and can't see a way out?

Today has been a little better than yesterday and I’m wondering if it’s my hormones? My period had just finished and considering I’m usually pretty happy when the sun is out combined with the fact I’m eating much healthier than usual, it was odd that I felt, well, ‘odd’ yesterday.

Talking to my counsellor yesterday, we touched on my last job and how unhappy I was as an I.T. Consultant, living and working away from home for 5 days a week (Sunday to Thursday). This was when I was at my heaviest – 19 stone and a size 22/24. I remember it well and also remember driving home , buying 1 -2 bottles of wine a night and some incredibly unhealthy food including BBQ racks of ribs, massive bars of chocolate, chips, pizza, full fat chocolate milkshakes, before eating it all on my own and feeling so unhappy and alone. It was a really dark time for me and I just couldn’t see any way to end the cycle.

1. I was unhappy, so I’d turn to food for comfort.
2. After eating so much I felt sick, I’d feel guilty for eating so much
3. I’d wake up in the morning (usually with a headache after drinking so much wine) and feel really lethargic and unhappy, so would have a croissant or a bacon sandwich for breakfast to cheer myself up.
4. I’d feel unhappy at work as I wasn’t really recognised for my achievements and felt so self conscious as everyone else was a ‘normal size’
5. I’d leave work feeling unhappy and…  Repeat first step.

My boyfriend tried to help me, however I didn’t tell him how I was genuinely feeling and ended up pushing him out completely. I think he was frustrated at the lack of communication but also because he couldn’t ‘fix’ my unhappiness (not that I’d have let him, I was, and still am, incredibly stubborn!). So after driving 3 hours to see me during the week for over 2 years (he worked shifts so had 4 days off at a time) and then 3 hours back the next morning, he realised he couldn’t cope, so ended it with me….

… We got back together a year later after a year of total no contact and even today I don’t blame him for that. Looking back, I was in a total, total pit of despair and an incredibly self destructive cycle – I utterly hated how I looked, I hated my job and didn’t tell my friends, nor my family, nor my boyfriend how unhappy I felt. Food was a comfort to me, it didn’t judge me and I felt good when eating it….

Despite the fact that my work at the moment is a lot worse than it was 7 years ago, I’m determined not to allow the same cycle to happen again. I am a lot more open with my friends and family and I’ve received nothing but support and kindness – from one of my lovely friends bringing me flowers, to another sending me a random postcard through the post, to others sending more frequent emails… and even my lovely sisters making time to text / email and phone me. I’ve also tried to be much more open with my boyfriend, which is hard sometimes as he really does love ‘fixing’ stuff and with me being so headstrong, I don’t want to be given advice on how to ‘fix’ things, just for him to listen and give me cuddles (which he does in abundance and also tells me I’m awesome, which is really nice and welcome).

So how have I managed to stop myself from getting into the same self-destructive cycle? Why am I not on a crash course to 19 stone again, filled with BBQ ribs and copious amounts of chocolate?

      That’s not what my body needs at the moment – I’m going through a massively tough time at work and my body and brain need to be in the best working condition that they can be. Filling my body with rubbish is not going to help me in any way, shape or form.

• It wasn’t a solution – What does eating loads of unhealthy food get me? How does that help me with my current battles in life?

• I’m not alone – I’ve been much more open with my friends, family and boyfriend about my feelings and they’ve been really supportive. I’m human and it’s usually me who supports people. Learning to ask for help has been incredibly tough, but saying ‘I’m upset, can you talk / email / meet me for a coffee?’ has been met with lots of ‘Yes! Of course’.

• I want to be able to love my body – I’ve (hopefully) got another 60+ years on this earth and I don’t want to spend all of that time hating myself or being unhappy when I look in the mirror. I want to change my body image and eating unhealthy things is not going to help that

• I’m trying to not feel guilty when I eat unhealthy things – This is a massive one and I’m still working on it. There’s been so much guilt and judgement around eating food my entire life and I know I’m not there yet, however if I do make an unhealthy choice, I’m trying to not beat myself up about it – after all, tomorrow is another day.

This morning, I had a lovely pot of porridge for breakfast and lunch was the same as yesterday – houmous, pepper, tomatoes and pita bread. My friend and I walked into town just to get out the office and despite it not being as sunny as yesterday, it was still a lovely day. Despite my Boss being in the office AGAIN, I’m coping quite well and am looking forward to going to the cinema tonight and not thinking about work :-) Not sure what I’ll eat – I might grab some sushi from somewhere, but will try and ensure it’s heathy, whatever it is.

Hungover :-(

Dear God I feel rough this morning

After cooking with the red wine, I decided to have a small glass of it, then another small glass and then another small glass. Before I realised, I'd drank 3/4 of the bottle :-S This in itself isn't a problem as I rarely drink and this is probably the first alcohol I've had for over a week (I had one small glass of wine on holiday at a restaurant) however as I don't usually drink, I have little tolerance and as such, feel rather pants.

One of the reasons I don't want to drink much at the moment is because when I drink, I get the munchies and my self control goes out the window. Last night, after I'd had 3/4 of the bottle and was watching the Oscar-worthy film 'Kevin and Perry go large' on TV, I decided I was hungry so ate:

• 1 packet of M&S 'Moroccan spiced chickpea shells'
• 1 Bakewell tart nakd bar
• 3 meatballs left over from dinner with salad cream

After the meatballs, I was stuffed and started to feel the inevitable guilt that comes with eating food I don't need. Thankfully, I didn't have any chocolate in the house, nor any fat-laden food stuffs I could stick into my mouth quickly, hence why even my 'binge' (if you could call it that) wasn't as fatty or as calorie laden as they normally are. However even whilst feeling guilty and being quite tipsy, my brain was trying to reason with the fact that it's OK - This happens, it's life, best to laugh about it, not do it too often and wake up tomorrow and eat some nice porridge with blueberries. 

So here I am - eating porridge with blueberries, having a cup of tea and waiting for my boyfriend to pick me up as today is BBC Good Food Show day! I'm not going to beat myself up about last night, nor punish myself. It's not a regular occurrence and I'm not going to put all the weight back on that I've lost over-eating, just like I'm not going to lose all the weight by starving myself for one day :-)

Keeping the motivation going

A good Channel 5 Documentary always makes me feel better

Sitting here, on my rather achey butt, in my cow onesie (most attractive with udders - one of my friends buys me very random Christmas presents) I'm watching 'Blinging up Baby' open mouthed - Honestly? People pierce their children's ears at such a young age and spend over £600 a month on their wardrobes and buy them designer handbags when they're less than 1 year old? Wow.... Just, wow. I can't say I'd cry if there wasn't any music to my child to walk into her party with.. I'd just be happy my child was having a good time. Maybe I'll be an awful mother? :-)

And as for the ponies with the pink glitter hooves... 

So, now I'm at home and am thinking back over today - It was really quite painful and trying to keep the 'I'm happy' mask at work is really draining - Who wouldn't get upset when they feel deliberately left out? As I'm on holiday for the next 3 days, I don't have to go to work for 5 days so can try and focus on spending time with my boyfriend, giving myself head space and just spending 30 minutes a day job hunting. Who knows? By next week, I should have some more interviews set up!

Despite feeling really vulnerable and unhappy, I'm actually incredibly proud of myself that I didn't turn to food to fill that empty void - not at lunch time, nor at dinner time. Once I got home, I made myself an omelette with 2 eggs and an additional 4 egg whites and added a sprinkle of extra mature cheese with spring onions and a pepper. Served with a rather nice dollop of salad cream.... I didn't snack, nor did I scoff any chocolate which is my usual default action.

Does this mean I've changed my modus operandi? Maybe I'm 'cured' and from now on will only eat healthy things..... 

I very, very much doubt that. I've spent over 18 years of my life comfort eating and I've managed to lose a LOT of weight, before something triggers my emotional response of reaching for the chocolate, so I don't think one day of changing my attitude means I've successfully changed my lifestyle - However, it does mean that I'm trying to and I think that I deserve to be smug that I've successfully done it today. If I don't always manage it, I need to just get back on with healthy eating the next day without beating myself up.

I'm aching a lot after going spinning yesterday so am looking forward to gong to bed and spreading out in my double bed and not setting an alarm for tomorrow.

Not only will I have a new job within 6 months time... I'll be wearing my size 14 jeans whilst thinking 'Why did I worry so much about work? It's just a job'

End of May

Wow. End of the month already.

I can't believe it's 3 weeks and 6 days since I started my healthy eating. It feels as if it's been a few days if that. Honestly, it's not actually been that hard - the more time I've healthy eaten, the less I've had to think about it and the more it's become 'normal' and I'm really proud of what I've done so far.

I think it's really important to physically write down the fact I'm proud of myself, I never really say I'm proud of myself for anything - I stepped on the scales yesterday morning and since the 9th of May I've gone from 99.9Kg to 96.7Kg. If I lose the same again next month, then I'll have lost 6.4Kg and will take another photo of myself in the mirror and see if I can see the change. (I took a photo at the start of the month.. so I know what I looked like when I started my healthy eating).

It's not just the lesser number on the scales, although I am proud of that, it's also:

1. My jeans feel loser. I can wear a pair of jeans I couldn't fit into at the start of this month.

2. I feel so much happier, my moods are more positive

3. I haven't felt bloated or uncomfortable as I've eaten too much

4. I have slept so much better - usually I wake up at least twice a night, I've been sleeping through or waking up a lot less often, at the very least.

5. Even though work is really, really stressful at the moment, I've NOT reached for food, I've NOT done my usual 'comfort eating' and I HAVE made healthier choices.
6. My bowels *ahem* are much more regular and I don't suffer from flatulence at all (I know... TMI!)

I can't say I see any change in my appearance. When I look in the mirror I still see my large stomach and huge thighs and I'm not happy about the figure staring back at me - However, this can only be changed if I continue my healthy eating and I need to remember: This is not a quick fix, this is a lifestyle change so it will take time to change my body.

Eating badly for one day will not change things - nor will eating healthy for one

day... I need to be sensible and make sensible choices in what I put in my body.

This month I've focussed 100% on food - I've not gone crazy with exercise as I don't think I would have been able to maintain it due to work stress. In June, I'm going to make myself 2 promises.

1. I'm going to go to the gym once a week for a spin class.

2. I'm going to look more closely at the processed food I eat and try and reduce it in various ways.

I don't think it's a good idea to change everything at once - I think I'd feel overwhelmed and not stick to them. I'm going to try and not weigh myself more than once every two weeks, but we'll see what happens.... Either way, I'll be honest about what I weigh and when I succumb to the lure of the scales.

I'm also kinda chuffed that I've had over 1,100 views on my Blog. I don't know if that's real people / bots on the net, or magic pixies, but whoever / whatever it is, I'd like to think that there are people out there who can identify with what I'm saying and maybe I can motivate others to eat more healthy and they can also motivate me :-)

Looking forward to a healthy, positive and motivated June!