Don't take the piss

My Emotions are up and down like a rollercoaster and it doesn't look like it's going to stop any time soon.

After the rather fraught day yesterday and the fact I didn't get offered the job, I managed to sleep slightly better and got up at my usual time of 7:15. I had a missed delivery from Royal Mail last week and didn't really have time to collect it before this morning, so headed over to the Post Office to pick up my parcel before heading to work - The oddest thing has been happening recently and I don't know if I'm just more sensitive to it or not, but it seems like a lot more men are opening doors for me and being generally, well... more nice. 

When I was heading to the Post Office, this bloke got to the door a good 5 seconds before me and rather than going in, he held it open and gestured for me to go before him. I'll say right here and now, I'm a feminist - I believe in equality between men and women and I'm more than capable of opening doors. However, I'm also a human being and as such, didn't want to offend him or be rude, so smiled and said 'Thank you ever so much' and went through - he was trying to be nice, so why say anything else? This seems to be happening more and more recently and I don't know if it's because I've been straightening my hair more and the sight of long, blonde hair is changing peoples actions, or is it because I'm losing weight? It will be interesting to see if it continues to happen...

My parcel was a rather nice black jumper from eBay, so I'm looking forward to wearing that in a months time - It fits perfectly at the moment and is really flattering.  Hopefully it won't be too big at Christmas time  :-) I headed into work with half the box of Bakewell Tart nakd bars that got delivered yesterday as my vegan work friend also really likes them and we agreed to split the box. Rather than just dump them on her desk, I thought I'd make a rather pretty 'heart shape' which she seemed to appreciate when she got into the office.

Work was rather boring until lunch time, then I decided I'd head home and work from home this afternoon as I had a telephone interview at 1:00pm. I grabbed some lunch from Marks and Spencers (my usual pita bread, houmous etc) and as soon as I got home, fired up my laptop and continued to work until 1:00pm. 

I've not worked from home in about 2 months and even though it's perfectly acceptable, I don't want to appear to take the piss. I also thought that as I had a telephone interview, it wasn't fair to go over my lunch hour by much as despite how horrible the company is at the moment, they are paying me to do a job and work for them. Equally, all the job interviews I've had to date - I've taken holiday. I've not 'been ill', I've never lied about where I was or what I was doing and more importantly, I still have my integrity. Work is crap, I hate it and I feel sick every day I have to go in - However I refuse to stoop to a low level of not working when I'm supposed to work as that's just, well... wrong?

The similarities between not taking the piss at work and not taking the piss when healthy eating has been the thought that's been dominating me for the past few hours. You know what's good for you, you know what's bad for you - You know if you eat 5 chocolate bars and crisps in a day, the chances of you losing weight is fairly slim. However, that's absolutely fine - Unless you're moaning to others about 'Why aren't you losing weight?' I've had it with ex work colleagues - They tell me they're on a diet, decide to go on a 'juice cleanse' or a have 10 slim fast shakes lined up on their desk and make a big song and dance about what they're doing. Then an email goes round about 'Birthday Cake in the kitchen' or 'Leftover Pizza to go to a good home' and they're the first ones literally running to grab a large slice. 

I used to be like this to a degree - Not regarding birthday cake at work, but in regards to kidding myself about what I was eating. I'd be dieting all day and then at night I'd eat a big bar of chocolate knowing that it was bad for me, but still stepping on the scales the next day believing there was still a small hope I may have lost weight. Oddly enough, I never did. 

I am not taking the piss when it comes to my work and I'm not taking the piss when it comes to my body - I'm still eating healthy food 3 times a day and it's working. I'm losing weight at a sensible rate. Looking to the future, I want to keep my integrity on both - Hopefully for all of my life. 

... Oh, and I think I aced another telephone interview - He said it would be 'disappointing' if I didn't come and work for him, so I'll wait and see on that one! 

How to overcome failure?

Staying positive is so hard at the moment - I feel so exposed

I had a lovely night with my Boyfriend last night. Dinner was mackerel and vegetables sent to me from my weekly Riverford vegetable box - Quite honestly, I can't say I was overly keen on the 'lightly smoked mackerel' from Marks and Spencers as it tasted an awful lot like a kipper and having kippers with vegetables is just, well, weird as they're a breakfast food, surely? I don't think I'll be doing that again, however it was certainly very healthy.  After dinner we went for a quick drink at a local pub - It was lovely sitting out in the sun next to a river and watching all the ducks waddle around, looking for 'stray chips' that people fed them.  We then headed back to mine - He's my rock at the moment as I was telling him how my appraisal went with my Boss and just burst into tears. 

After another restless night, I got up early and headed into London for my interview or more correctly 'interviews' as I had 6 in one day - 4 in the morning and 2 in the afternoon. I arrived in plenty of time and the first two only lasted 30 minutes each. I thought, I was doing OK, that I had answered all the questions well and seemed to have developed a rapport with the people interviewing me. Unfortunately, after the first two, the HR guy came in and politely said that they didn't think I was technical enough so they were not going to continue the process. It was said in a really nice way and at the time I was all smiles and politeness as I shook his hand and headed out to the lift, however as I descended to the ground floor, I started feeling sick and shaky.

It was only 11:00am when I left, so I headed back to the tube and subsequently, the train station and grabbed some sushi for lunch before heading back home on the train. I phoned my boyfriend who was saying all the right things, however I still felt really rejected. I also had this really clear vision in my head of a door slamming shut, a metaphor, I assume, for the fact that I now have less options of how to leave my current company. 

How does one cope with rejection? What are the best coping mechanisms? I guess if I'm honest, I'm not used to failure and it hurts - I've been really successful in academia, and my career to date. At the moment, it feels like I'm hated by everyone at work and thought to be incompetent and can't get another job as noone believes I'm any good. 

On the other hand, I've passed various interviews, my successes at work are still successes and I wouldn't have been able to last 5 years in my current company unless I was good at what I do. I need to keep repeating this to myself and hold on a few more days until the next opportunity (next Wednesday I have a different face to face interview) presents itself to me. 

I need to keep the following things in mind:

• Failure is a natural part of life, - Everyone, EVERYONE in the world fails at some time or another. It's not nice, but it's natural.
• It's my responsibility - That's not me beating myself up for it, but I failed at the interview because I didn't have the right skill set. But I do have a skill set, and a damn good one at that!
• Treat it as a learning experience - I got 3 face to face interviews as experience and I did a technical test (and did better than I thought!) This will hold me in better stead, next time
• This is only temporary - 'This too shall pass'. I'm feeling bad now, but in 1 month, 2 months down the line, I'll have a new job and won't feel upset.

I'm now sat at home, having eaten my lunch, the washing is on.. and I've got over 4 hours until I need to leave the house and see my friend, so I'm going to use the time wisely. I'll do some more job hunting... I'll clean out another cupboard of clothes and put the bins out and I'll write a shopping list for Saturday. I'll also eat one of the many Bakewell Tart nakd bars that were delivered to my house today - My vegan friend got me hooked on them but the Bakewell tart ones are selling out so fast in Sainsburys, the shelf is usually empty - so I decided to bulk buy and we're going to split a whole box of them tomorrow :-) They really taste like bakewell tart but are healthy and not baked (My friend refers to them as 'Vegan crack')

I need to keep going, take one day at a time and believe in myself. I am not a bad person and I don't deserve to be treated like crap at work. 

It's the little things...

Off to sunny London I go....

Today has been productive, if not slightly stressful. I am really feeling the effects of a 5 day week as I've had so much holiday recently, I've not actually been in the office for a full week for about - 7 weeks? so this week has felt incredibly long and stressful. 

I knew I'd be going to London today as I had an afternoon meeting, so I didn't plan for lunch as knew I'd be grabbing some sushi at the Japan Centre before heading over to the office. In an attempt to 'spice up' my breakfast, rather than the traditional blueberries, I bought some raspberries and added some of them to my porridge - It was nice, however raspberries seem to disintegrate quite a lot, so you're left with completely red porridge, which is different at the very least, I guess. 

As it's been getting hotter and hotter, it becomes harder for me to 'hide' my body - At least in the winter I can hide in baggy jumpers, cardigans and coats. In the summer it's harder as it's so hot I have a choice: Be incredibly sweaty, uncomfortable and look slightly odd as I'm dressed for winter or wear a lot less layers, be comfortable in regards to heat, but feel really uncomfortable within myself as I'm more 'exposed'. I chose the latter, so only wore a shirt today, however decided to put a cardigan in my handbag as a comfort blanket - If I felt too exposed, at least I could start to put more layers on again and retreat inside myself. 

I seem to go through an automated process when I wake up. Wake up, get up, have a shower, get dressed, clean teeth, brush hair, put on jewellery and perfume, go to work...  This morning I followed the exact same process, except when I put on my jeans and did up my belt - hang on, why does it appear longer? why is the end flapping around my right hand side? It doesn't usually do that..... It turns out that I'm now on my last hole in my belt, something that's not been the case for a good few months and it's not too tight - Wow, that's pretty awesome. 

After a couple of hours in the office, I was ready to head to London - The train station was eerily quiet at 11;00am and I easily got a seat and headed up to London. I also got an email from a recruiter, asking if I could have a telephone interview tomorrow morning which, whilst short notice, was instantly a 'yes' as I'm still desperate to leave my current company.  Despite it being really hot in London, I wasn't too sweaty for once, even when going on the tube - I go only assume it's because I was wearing a normal amount of clothes for the weather and wasn't hiding in a jumper or a cardigan, I was actually surprised at how much difference it made - not to be burdened with extra layers and also, when I thought about it, I didn't feel too self concious, either. 

Lunch was 6 brown rice inari pockets and 3 salmon nigiri which was absolutely delicious - my meeting with my Boss and external people didn't go too badly either (that's 4 days in a row I've had to see him... Why God, Why?) and after another 45 minute meeting with a colleague, I headed back to the main train station to meet my Management Coach. 

Picture a 'friendly Grandfather', someone who is always jolly, has a really lovely personality and who you really feel you can talk to - Like a surrogate Father, if you will - That's my Management Coach and he's a really intelligent and inciteful man who has helped me through a lot of tough times in my company. I've been totally honest with him about what's been happening within the company and he's been amazing at listening and offering support and advice - the main advice being, 'Get out... get a good job somewhere else', which I've accepted is without a doubt, what I need to do.

So today was 'Interview techniques', we went through a number of different scenarios and I seemed to do OK - he gave me a few pointers, including 'Don't say 'We' too much, say 'I' and ensured I have a lot of examples of my skills, so I can demonstrate what I can do. I felt really good after having a long conversation with him and headed back home, sightly nervous about the telephone interview tomorrow, but also excited as it may be another door starting to open....

Dinner was a very tasty pork katsu don (pork, egg and rice dish) and that's all I had as it was quite large. Now I'm sat on my sofa in my pyjamas, watching another episode of Hannibal. 

I think today has been about the little things that are now happening to me, which hopefully will make up bigger things and become more normal.

• I liked the fact I'm now using the last hole on my belt

• I liked the fact I didn't cover myself up and get too hot and didn't feel too self concious

• I liked the fact I got more interest in my CV and have a telephone interview tomorrow

• I liked the fact I met my Management Coach and he gave me more confidence in myself 

I also like the fact I'm not snacking in the evenings any more. I had my dinner and I'm full - I really hope I can keep this up. If I'm not hungry... I don't need to eat something.

Roll on Friday and definitely roll on the weekend :-)

I didn't expect that.....

Well, there's a to-do...

Having slept very badly last night (waking at 02:11, and 4:31 and not getting back to sleep after 5:45...) due to worrying about my interview today, I got dressed, ate my porridge and got ready whilst the voice in the back of my head kept saying to me 'You could just not go to London, you could watch Game of Thrones all day in your Pyjamas' Even when I was on the train to London and got on the tube, my mind was still saying to me that I was kidding myself, that I wasn't technical, or even good enough to pass the interview and that the last 5 years have been a fluke.

I think my brain works in the same way regarding food: That I can't possibly get slim, I am rubbish at losing weight and I'm just a fat person in general. Why don't I just accept it and eat another large chocolate bar? Why am I kidding myself I can succeed this time? 

I've come to the conclusion that my brain can be a total arse at times.

After getting to the companies address, I was met by a really lovely and friendly HR person. Despite the recruiter screwing up the date / time, they still accommodated me and I did the 90 minute technical test.....Oddly, I thought I did OK. Even more oddly, so did they and whilst other people were thanked for their time and told that they wouldn't be progressing their application further, I was interviewed by a very friendly, technical person who decided to grill me on various I.T. architectures.. For some reason, I didn't panic, nor freak out at any point and it seemed to go rather well. 

They thought so as well, as apparently they are suggesting I come back for the 'second round' of interviews as I left at 1:30pm...

I feel elated and really proud of myself - Suddenly the burden on my shoulders over my horrible workplace seems a little less, almost as if a door has partially opened and given me a genuine exit strategy. It's a really nice feeling - So is the fact that I may not be as useless as I think I am.

I hadn't eaten when I left the Company, so I decided to go the my favourite place in London - The Japan Centre, and buy a LOT of sushi. As I was hungry by the time I go there, I went into my usual overdrive and bought way too much. I was thinking 'I did well this morning, I deserve a chocolate pancake', however actually managed to stop myself before putting it in the basket as I shouldn't be rewarding myself with treats (plus, if you remember, I managed to find out how many calories and fat a chocolate pancake was.. and it was a lot!).

Despite buying way too much sushi, on the train, I listened to my body and only ate 6 pieces of sushi, stopping after each one and a custard pancake, which I assumed would be more healthy than the chocolate one. Hrm... Looking it up on my fitness pal suggests it's 325 calories and 6g of fat. That's an awful lot of calories for a pancake - Why are so many tasty things so high in calories? :-(

As for the fate of the rest of the sushi, I'm going to eat it tonight and tomorrow for lunch, meaning that I'm not going to waste it, nor am I going to overeat tonight. I'm back in the office tomorrow and tonight, I'll be watching random TV and feeling chuffed about my success today :-)

Interview tomorrow

I've not been to an interview for over 5 years

Taken them, yes - hundred of telephone and face to face interviews for various roles in my company, however I've not actually been the recipient for a very long time. I wasn't sure if this was a good job for me, however the more I've researched the company and the role, it actually sounds quite interesting and if I'm going to go to an interview, I'd much rather revise / prepare and research the company as much as I can, otherwise what's the point unless you give it your all?

I don't know if I'll pass the test (yes, there's a 90 minute test first) let alone the interview stage afterwards, but I'm trying to remain positive, not allow my nerves to take over and am currently ignoring the voice in my head that says 'You're not good enough'. 

Work was fine, especially considering my lovely colleague is on Holiday so I'm picking up all of her responsibilities as well. I also survived the weekly meeting with my Boss - I still believe he's hiding something, but either way, it's another week of surviving. 

I am not ignoring my body, however - I think as time goes on, I'm genuinely feeling less hungry between meals. I don't know if it's because my body doesn't expect crisps / chocolate every few hours or because my stomach has shrunk, maybe it's a combination of the two? Either way, after I walked into town to get some houmous, tomatoes, pepper and some calamari (thought it made a change from the pita breads!) I happily munched my lunch at 1:00pm and am just about to eat my dinner 6 hours later.....  

I didn't eat all of the tomatoes (maybe a quarter of the pack?) and also only ate half of the houmous. I did however, eat all of the calamari and the pepper :-)

Dinner was as I planned, a really healthy KFC wrap which is one of those dishes where it shouldn't taste as good as it does, as it's quite low in fat? Tomorrow will be more difficult as I'm in London for the interview so I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do about lunch. I think I might buy a big bottle of water, take one of my nakd bars with me so if I don't get chance to have lunch, I won't be as ravenous as I could be, afterwards. When I'm really, really hungry, my willpower decreases, so I want to give myself a fighting chance to avoid that.

I'm still really pleased with the figure the scales showed this morning, however I shouldn't become complacent, nor should I assume things will continue at the same pace, especially as my period is due in 3 days and that always plays havoc with my body and weight. So I'll stay away from the scales for another week at least -In some ways, I actually think that staying away from the scales is harder than not eating junk food... It's as if I need the positive reinforcement from something as without it, I don't know if I'd be able to keep motivated.

Tonight I'm going to take care of myself - I'm going to revise a little bit more and then I'm going to have a bath, make sure I know what I'm wearing tomorrow and get an early night.

.. Wish me luck! :-)