Tuesday, 23 June 2015

I stepped on the scales again

At least my headache seems to be going

After a really nice night with my work friend where we made Vegan sushi, watched the last episode of Geordie Shore and the first 3 episodes of ‘Judge Geordie’ – where Viki Patterson (from Geordie Shore) goes around the UK, helping people by ‘judging’ their relationship problems (We loved it), I headed up to bed and tried to sleep. Unfortunately I slept really badly and kept waking, worrying about the fact I had my annual appraisal today with my Boss at lunch time.

I think I got about 2 hours sleep last night and when I finally managed to get to sleep – my alarm woke me up. Getting up, I had this massive sense of panic and felt completely useless about everything – my life, my job, my healthy eating… I even started worrying that my boyfriend was going to leave me. It’s not a normal feeling, but it felt so intense. I felt like I needed to prove to myself that I wasn’t useless and decided to step onto the scales and see if my continued healthy eating had paid off.

The figure was lower and I felt a massive sense of relief – I’m not useless, I can do things right. However I then felt cross with myself as I’m depending on a plastic and metal calculator with batteries to provide some of my self worth. After putting my jeans on, I noticed I had to pull them up more, they appeared looser and when looking at myself in the mirror, I definitely think I’ve lost some of my ‘fat rolls’ around my waist. Wow. 93.9Kg. That’s 6Kg or 13.2 lbs – that’s so close to a stone and I’ve still got another week to go to achieve my desire weight loss target.

Getting into work, I did my normal routine – Porridge with blueberries with a nice cup of tea, job hunting online and replying to any emails that any of the overseas offices had sent overnight. The morning went quite slowly, although I was constantly aware of the time. It reached 12:00 and I started to feel sick, at 12:30, my Boss said ‘Right, appraisal time?’ and so it started….

Considering how I’d imagined it in my head for months, it wasn’t as bad as I had thought, however it wasn’t good. My 2 major failures are within 2 departments and whilst I can do good things, do exceptional work, support other areas – my failures outshadow any good things. One of my departments will be taken away from me so I can focus on the others (I have lots… I don’t think this is a good thing, more a curse) and my Boss needs to see results quickly. He wasn’t as horrible as he was a few months ago, when he sat me down on the 31st March and said ‘I needed to reconsider my position at the company’, but he wasn’t happy with my performance….

Outcome: I’m not sacked.
Outcome: I feel really demotivated

I didn’t leave the meeting until after 1:30pm, so was really hungry for lunch. I headed into town straight away to clear my head and managed to effectively ‘sleep walk’ to Marks and Spencers to pick some things up. I actually think it’s a really positive thing that my default lunch options are healthy choices, even if they are a bit boring day after day.

Back in the office, I had more recruiter calls and I’ve now got another face to face interview set up for next Wednesday. I’ve also got another telephone interview so things seem to be moving in the right direction. Unlike things for my ‘Drama’ friend who sent me messages and screenshots of her conversation with one of the men off OK Cupid, berating the fact they were replying to her with one word answers… STEP AWAY FROM THE PHONE, DRAMA FRIEND!

Tonight, I’ve got my counselling session and then I’m seeing my boyfriend and cooking myself a really nice dinner of ‘lightly smoked mackerel’, new potatoes and steamed vegetables. I don’t think I’ve ever done mackerel before, however it was reduced to £2 in Marks and Spencers so I thought I’d try it and also use up some of the vegetables that were delivered in my vegetable box last Friday. I’m then going to ‘prep’ for my SIX INTERVIEWS tomorrow in London – They start at 09:30 and finish at 16:00. I think I’m going to be knackered!

Mantra: I’m not sacked, I can still pay the bills and I WILL be leaving the company soon…. 

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