Now I know....

So that's what's been going on behind my back at work.....

I’ve spent most of today in a very anxious state as I had my scheduled meeting with my Boss today. After sleeping quite well, I woke at 5:45 and found it virtually impossible to get back to sleep as I was running through work related things in my head and working out how many hours I had until I had to be in a room with him. Despite my head being full of worry, I managed to remember my breakfast (porridge and blueberries) and my lunch, which was the last portion of my healthy moussaka, hiding in my fridge.

Work was quite busy in the morning and kept my brain focussed on other things – As my lovely work colleague had arranged lunch with someone else, I decided I’d stay in the office and work through my lunch break, eating at my desk. I don’t really like doing this on a normal basis, however for some reason felt quite vulnerable and didn’t want to walk to town on my own. This was compounded by the fact that the weather was pretty dire and whilst I had an umbrella, I used the torrential downpour as an excuse to stay indoors.

My meeting happened at 1:00, as per usual and after 30 minutes of discussing updates, my Boss said ‘As it’s your appraisal tomorrow, I thought we could discuss what’s going to happen with the company and where you want to go with your role’…… You know when you’ve gone over and over and over something in your head and feared the worst? I honestly think I’ve gone over the scenario so many times, I was totally calm. Long story short – There are a lot of structural changes happening in the company and people are getting promoted and things are changing. This means that my role doesn’t really ‘fit’ in anywhere… and due to people ‘losing a lot of confidence in me’ apparently, it will be ‘doubly hard’, to sort things out…..

The conclusion? There isn’t one at the moment – My Boss wants to know if I’m ‘up for the challenge’ which, of course, I have to say I am (as I don’t have another job offer on the table yet), however it was quite upsetting to hear critical feedback when he wasn’t able to give me examples. Oddly though, I’m not as upset as I thought I would be as 1. I don’t believe he’s conducted himself in a very good manner (all the meetings with my teams, not inviting me etc…) and 2. If you’re not able to give examples, how can you be expected to actually believe the feedback is true?

Additionally, if this is ‘all’ that’s going to happen – e.g. someone else get promoted and the structure change, it also means that I don’t have to get a job offer straight away as I can coast for a few weeks until I get a firm one, that I won’t be sacked and that I will be able to pay the bills. I guess we’ll see tomorrow if anything else happens at my appraisal, however as I’ve got a final interview on Wednesday, and hopefully one on Thursday, I’m really hoping I can resign by the end of this week (Wow.. that’s kinda cool, really).

Another thing that’s on my mind at the moment is that today marks the 3 year anniversary of my cat being put to sleep. He was a rescue Persian who I adopted when he was 5. Sadly he was incredibly mistreated and the rescue center were appalling. When I adopted him, he had fleas, ear mites, a perforated ear drum, an eye ulcer, chronic cystitis and ringworm. The Rescue center refused to help with the bills and despite me being a student, I paid everything – which over the first 18 months of his life cost me £4,000. The next 8 years of my life were filled with a cat who was incredibly ‘screwed up’, who would urinate everywhere (even on you) and who sadly, never was able to get rid of his ringworm, despite being shaved and washed multiple times.

Despite him being the worlds most evil cat who honestly nearly drove me to distraction and cost me thousands, I loved him to bits and don’t regret a second of it. Unfortunately he got thinner and thinner and thinner and I realised he wasn’t happy so made the decision to have him put to sleep (based on the vets opinion that he looked like he was getting to the point of kidney failure). I still can’t write about what happened on the last day as it still brings tears to my eyes, but I can honestly say it was the hardest decision and most upsetting day of my life to date – not even my relatives dying has come close to the pain I felt. I was very lucky that my Boyfriend was there to support me and I know that he loved him too, even though he didn’t know him for as long. Three years today – I still miss you Bailey.

In the next hour, I’m going to be heading home with my lovely work friend, where we will make vegan sushi and watch the last episode of ‘Geordie Shore’ before launching into a marathon of the new series of ‘Love Island’, which I’m told is absolute tripe and really bad – Perfect for us :-) I’m looking forward to getting out of the office and hopefully getting rid of my headache that’s been dogging me for the past few hours. I’ll continue to healthy eat tonight, but am feeling quite vulnerable and really like the idea of just getting a hug from my boyfriend who I’m sadly not seeing until tomorrow.