Friday, 5 June 2015

The world doesn't revolve around me

When I made the decision to change my lifestyle, I didn't announce it to anyone

In the past, I've always been honest about what I'm up to in regards to my diets. If people ask, I tell them, if I don't want to eat a specific food, I'd say why, 'I'm on a diet', or 'I'm cutting out carbs / fat / calories' etc. However, as I'm at least 4-5 stone overweight, it's obvious that I've not been able to succeed in losing weight and subsequently, being more healthy and more importantly, I've not been able to keep my weight constant. 

Because I'm now dedicated to changing my lifestyle and this not being a short or even mid-term fix, I've not announced it to anyone. There are no Facebook updates about what I'm eating, no count down tickers on forums that I'm on saying '7 lbs lost, 56 to go!' and my friends don't get a running commentary about my trials and tribulations with the scales, nor a a text message saying 'OMG, just fitted into my size 14 jeans' 

Basically, I'm not doing this for anyone else, but myself and as such. I don't see the need to tell anyone as the world doesn't revolve around me. The only person I've spoken to about my change is my boyfriend and that's only because he's the man I love and who supports me in anything I do.

Why should other people go out of their way to appease or support me? Why should I affect their lives or decisions because I'm trying to eat more healthy? It's my choice, noone elses...

Tonight, I went for a meal to a lovely pub with my boyfriend and his parents. I was happy to go wherever they (or he) wanted to go. I had no preference and I said as such, however my Boyfriend was saying 'Well, anywhere that's healthy' and when his Mother suggested a place and I said that sounded great, he said 'Why don't you check the menu to see if there's something on there you can eat?' I felt really, really uncomfortable - as if I was trying to cause problems when all I said was 'I have no preference and I don't mind wherever we go' 

We got to the pub and it was really nice - Despite there being lots of amazing food on the menu, I had enough willpower to decline the starter, stick to diet coke, rather than drinking alcohol and order the 'baked cod fillet with grilled asparagus and creamed potatoes' which seemed like the most healthy thing on the menu. I felt good about my choice, ate slowly and finished with eating a lot of vegetables.

Everything was going really well until the waitress gave us the pudding menu. On there was a 'chocolate brownie' which sounded amazing, however, as I was genuinely feeling full and I didn't need any more food, I listened to my body and said I was going to pass on desert.

My boyfriends Mother said she fancied a lemon cake with custard, but wasn't sure she could eat the entire thing. My boyfriend then replied 'Well, Imogen will have a bite, calories don't count if they're from someone else's plate' - I literally felt my stomach tighten - I hadn't said anything about healthy eating, nor made any kind of fuss, and it felt as if my Boyfriend was trying to deliberately draw a light on the fact I wasn't eating things. Also, I don't need to be told I'm going to eat other people's food?

Unfortunately, the evening then hit a bit of a downer as I just clammed up (my usual reaction to when I'm upset) partly, as I was actually trying hard not to cry and partly, because I didn't want my boyfriend to say anything else about my healthy eating, or not trying to eat deserts etc... I don't know if his parents noticed, but the next 40 minutes was really hard, as all I wanted to do was ask him 'Why do you feel the need to make these comments and draw attention on my eating habits?' 

After we got back to his parents, we had a chat - he apologised and said he didn't realise I hadn't told anyone. I know he didn't mean it and I know I shouldn't ignore him, however it's a self defence mechanism - I also said I didn't feel comfortable saying something in front of his parents, We never usually fall out, so when we do, it upsets both of us.

I think he (hopefully) understands that I don't want people to know - they knew all the times before and I failed.. The weight came back on and nothing changed. This time is different - It might take longer, it might not be a smooth journey, but I want to make proper life changes, keep the weight off and be more healthy.

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