Friday, 26 June 2015

I really, really want chocolate

I don't think I've had such bad cravings for ages

Tonight has been a really nice night. After surviving work, I drove my lovely work colleague round to a mutual friends house and we spent the evening catching up, feeding the donkeys that live in the field next to her house, stroking her cats, eating food and watching 'interesting' things on TV. 

It wasn't as warm as it was during the day, so sadly we couldn't really sit outside, however after a nice cup of tea and hearing how our friends new job was going, we headed outside to say hello to the field of donkeys that live next to our friends house. Our friends house is AMAZING - It's just her and it's the most beautiful 3 bedroomed house in a very 'posh' courtyard with a huge garden that backs onto fields and just has the most amazing views. She rents it, and I think I recall her saying it was about £1,800 a month rent which is a lot more than I pay for a 2 bedroomed house in a slightly different area, however she loves living there and the landlord allows her to have 4 cats, 3 of which I was able to stroke tonight :-)

She put some spicy potato wedges in the oven and opened all the lentil and houmous crisps. I tried my best to eat as slow as I could, however I still think I ate too much - In the grand scheme of things, it's not exactly the crime of the century but even when eating the crisps and spicy wedges, my brain was telling me, 'This isn't good for you'. Thing is, I should be able to eat crisps and wedges every so often and not feel guilty, but I did.... And as such, I don't think I was focussing on my friends and what they were saying as I was getting really worked up over what I was eating.

After eating a LOT of the crisps and wedges, I managed to stop myself from eating more, but it took a lot of willpower - especially as I wasn't stuffed and could have eaten more. It sounds like my friend loves her new job and it was nice hearing about how happy she was - especially as I used to manage her and in January this year, I was told by my Boss I had to dismiss not only her, but another 3 people within my teams as we were 'refocussing on other business areas' (translation: Noone was really monitoring cash flow and the company was in a really bad position and it was getting to the stage we wouldn't be able to pay wages....).

We then watched some interesting programs about bad tattoos and STI's caught by people who had drunken one night stands, before I drove my work friend home. 

I was half way back to my house, when I had a massive urge to drive to Tescos and buy a huge bar of chocolate - I don't know why, it was as if my brain was saying 'You've eaten unhealthy food today, you may as well continue'. I can't explain it, it was so strong and I had what could only be described as an internal argument with my head.

'You should be allowed to eat chocolate if you want, it's not as if you've been eating it for the past few weeks'
'But I am not hungry'
'However you have a desire to eat chocolate and as long as it's not all the time, it's fine'
'If I eat chocolate, I'm not going to lose as much weight and I want to see a lower number when I next step on the scales'
'But one bar of chocolate won't hurt in the long run'
'Maybe I'll buy a small bar'
'Why not just buy a big bar? You don't have to eat it all'
'There's no way I can stop half way through eating a big bar of chocolate'
'Then just buy a big bar'
'No.. as I don't want to feel guilty tomorrow'

And that's how it ended. 

I'm now back at home, with no chocolate, still wanting chocolate but as I've changed into my Pyjamas, I don't think there's any danger about going out and getting any. I have no idea why I currently have such a massive craving for it - I'm half way through my menstrual cycle, according to 'My days' app on my phone, I ovulated yesterday so I don't have PMT or anything like that and I'm not feeling overly emotional. It's almost as if my body just wants something really sweet.

On the one hand, I feel really proud of the fact I've not 'given in', however on the other hand, I'm worried that I'm not being realistic. Eating a small bar of chocolate shouldn't make me feel so guilty or anxious, it should be something I can do and just chill out about. I wouldn't bat an eyelid if someone was eating chocolate, so why can't I do it? Why does it have to be 'all or nothing?'

I'm going to drink my cherry Pepsi Max, watching South Park and head to bed at a reasonable time. I'm also going to reflect on why I feel so anxious and have such inner turmoil about 'bad food'. I shouldn't be looking at food as either 'bad' or 'good' and as I want this to be a lifestyle change, certain foods shouldn't be off limits. 

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