Tuesday, 2 June 2015

So unhappy

Today has been really tough so far.

I’m feeling really sidelined and pushed out at work and sitting at my desk, for 9 hours plus a day, pretending everything is OK, is incredibly draining. My Boss cancelled a meeting that all Senior people had once a month. He then recreated the meeting under a different name and invited everyone except me. Seeing everyone else get up, walk towards the meeting room whilst I was trying not to cry was really hard.

It’s so stupid – in the ‘grand scheme of things’ it shouldn’t hurt so much, should it? However seeing meetings happening between others about Departments you’re supposed to manage and not being invited to meetings you were once involved in all builds up in your head and you’re left with a constant sick feeling in your stomach, wondering what’s going to happen to you. If I could sum up everything in one word, I think it’s ‘unsettling’. You don’t expect after 5 years, to be petrified about losing your job in such an underhand way and at the moment it’s as if everyone else is in the ‘cool club’ and I’m sat outside in the cold, wanting to join in but can’t and don’t know why.

In the past, this is the moment I’d turn to food. I’d drive home via Tescos, pick up a massive rack of BBQ ribs, maybe some chips, certainly a large bar of chocolate and I’d sit on my sofa and eat all of it, whilst feeling really, really sorry for myself. I’d then feel guilty about eating all of the food and think ‘Well, I may as well eat more junk as I’ve spoiled my healthy eating’ and rather than re-setting my head the next day, and once again eating porridge and blueberries, I’d go down to the canteen and buy a bacon and sausage roll for breakfast, maybe a high-calorie and fat sandwich at work, packet of crisps and chocolate bar for lunch and then decide to get a takeaway for dinner….

My body wouldn’t be thanking me for it, I’d feel more lethargic, I’m sure my bowels would let me know they weren’t overly happy and my mood will drop further, not only feeling a total failure and social pariah at work, but also feeling like a failure in my personal life as I can’t control my eating. I’d then get fatter, more unhealthy, hate myself and my body more and be back to square one.

I just can’t do this any more – I can’t continue to turn to food even though I have done exactly that hundreds and hundreds of times in the past.

How will eating rubbish help me prepare for the stuff I have to deal with at work?
How will eating rubbish help me prepare for interviews?
How will eating rubbish help me sleep at nights?
How will eating rubbish help me feel positive about myself?

I’m pretty terrible at asking people for help. I find it really hard to contact my
friends, family or even my boyfriend and say ‘I feel unhappy’ – I know they all care for me, but it’s hard, especially when sometimes all I want them to do is listen, but they want to give advice ‘Look, all you need to do is X, Y and Z and then do this.. and then that’

I think that’s another reason for starting this blog – as I can write about how I feel, which will hopefully make me feel better, which will then stop me from turning to food. It’s also non-judgemental and isn’t going to give me advice that at the moment, I don’t want or need – I know what to do: Get a new job… However that’s not done overnight and in the mean time, as I have bills and rent to pay, I’m stuck in a job I have sadly grown to hate, not knowing what I’ll be doing in 2-3 months time. Will I still be here? Will I have resigned? Will I have started an amazing new job?

I’m going to be heading out to lunch in a moment with my work friend and I’m going to try incredibly hard to stay motivated, say focussed and not succumb to eating any rubbish.

It won’t help me. 

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